Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to Faith Filled Friday! 

This last year I have felt an incredible sadness. I supposed I have always had issues with sadness and depression, which is why I came back to Trench Class again. I wanted to do it for myself and no one else. Some answers are found along the way but much like the exploration of our deep oceans or vastness of space, more questions are found than answers discovered. Putting it together is a daunting task and I certainly feel like blocking it out. Don't we all? 

My heartbreak comes from relationships in which I have given all of me, something I’m learning is never healthy! It’s not enough to put one foot in front of the other physically, but to move forward each and every day emotionally as well.

How do we do that? 

Sometimes I will just sit down on my fire tablet and just look for beautiful pictures. Sometimes I stay out longer after work ends not only to catch the sun rise into a new day, but to listen to the birds wake from their slumber and start to sing. I often ask myself, what might I hear that I have not heard before? It's nice to close my eyes and just tune my ears to the radio waves of God's creation. I even picked up a weed that had seen much better days. I have seen a weed like this so many times but never picked it up and looked at it closely…until the other day, and what I saw really amazed me. It looked like there were small finish nails that had been lightly hammered into it. As I looked at it I noticed a bug I had not noticed when I had picked it up. Hmmm, a chance encounter perhaps? I got lost watching this bug take its steps through the maze of "finish nails." Just observing a life other than mine took my focus to a different place.

I began to wonder what God's purpose was for this lil' bug. I can get lost in wondering what sensory items in its little body it might have. I wondered how hard it was for it to find a mate, to find a meal. I was so lost in the moment.

But the sadness and depression seem to be looming around the corner. No matter how much I pray or try and be positive it comes my way so frequently. It's just like the pain I live with; it's always there, a bit better at times, yet still there. But that bug has been in my head for several days now. I wonder if something is leading the bug, like some magnetic northern wave of energy or the wind at its back. Something drives it forward. And then it hit me: Sometimes that is the only step we need to take, to insure the next one after it. I am not sure where I am going in life, not sure if I will ever love again, but I have taken that step of forgiving which free me to step in between the nails myself. Step by step, nail by nail, perhaps I am following the Holy Spirit as it leads me to a better place. I really am not quite sure. I just have to keep doing my part. 

Pretty incredible to think how a bug helped out a human being, thousands of times its size. I just can't help but wonder if God gets a kick out of the things I find and appreciate. I know it is all part of the healing, all part of appreciating and loving life. 

I'd love to hear sometime about the things all of you might come across, things so small that they are missed more than found. What joy or emotion you might find in appreciating God's creations.

Well time for work. Have a good day everyone and as usual... MUCH LOVE!

John

Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to Faith Filled Friday my friends! 

I have given a lot of thought recently to the grief I tend to carry for so much of the things that have happened in my life. I always hear people say things like: "You just have to will yourself through this; you're depressed; this is not healthy for you." 

These quips lend themselves to helping me feel that people don’t understand that sometimes the pain of grief itself is not always something that one day is gone for people like me. I can't just un-see, un-feel, de-skin it. The scars run too deep and I carry these scars day in, day out. I run the gamut as I learn to live with them. They will never go away. 

And yet, I have come to learn that I can surely navigate and transform our ways in which we handle this grief, depression and sadness. We all can. We can grow from them. It's not that we are ever victorious over these things; it's that we learn how to grow the seeds that survive the storm, the flooding, the winds of trials and troubles... to harvest, feed and share with others through their storms. 

I can't tell you how many times I have seen people trade their pain for some kind of temporary relief. Call it the bottom of a bottle, the needle to a vein, the cutting, and even sexual escapades. Why can't we live in harmony by feeling our way through this pain, to learn from it, be at utter peace with it? It is not for others to paint it on our canvas like it's something to be ashamed of. It's not that I can control it that makes me a better person... but that I can ultimately live with it and because I do, I can learn from it. 

I refuse to just ignore it. Doing so only means I will repeat my own patterns and live by the destructive traits started in early childhood. God's love means that we can do more than survive, that we can learn to thrive and step up to help others. Getting accustomed to a different mindset is most difficult, but we can start by telling ourselves it is ok to feel pain, but to not be shackled by it. We must not only love ourselves simply, but diversify our way of healing. 

Horrific pain doesn't have to be an anchor, but more a set of wings we can share with others in their time of grief by leaping from our own nest.

Much love everyone... God bless

John Tam

Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to our Faith-Filled Friday. Hope everyone was able to put a great week behind them.

This week I was lucky enough to volunteer to help a young boy do his homework. He calls me Uncle John. I watched him struggle to keep his mind on the task of his homework. Every little thing around him would distract him. Like most children, he'd rather laugh and have fun than dedicate his time to homework. I could see so much of myself in Jacob Anything could distract me, too. In fact, to this day, I can struggle concentrating on the task at hand before my mind jumps elsewhere. Anyway, I kept hearing his parents get on him and as the time ticked by, I noticed we all were getting more and more tired, so I decided to try something different, to jump in there and start tackling it with him. There I was reaching out to help this young man. He had a lot more homework than I assumed he did, and the harder it got the more he resisted…at first. But we jumped on it and page by page the finish line came closer and closer until we were there. 

I could not help but feel a sense of accomplishing it with him. For a moment I relished the thought that it would be so neat to be a father, helping my child enrich his mind and to try and center one's self to accomplish the goal. 

I told Jacob about how good it feels to accomplish things and that getting in a great habit of taking the initiative to complete his homework will bring a sense of accomplishment in other areas of his life. So I challenged him to try next time and told him if he needs help, we can do it over the phone or I would be willing to come by.

The thing I find funny is that when I told him this, I had a flashback to my childhood. It was like I could see more clearly the mistakes I had made as a young boy, a teenager, and even as a man. It is so true that sometimes we must connect with our deep past to just get a better inkling of who we are. It really made stop and think about how the traits we get from childhood can stick with us and forge a road before us without us even realizing that those things are already out there for us, waiting for us to make the same mistakes over and over again. 

Guiding little Jacob for just that night really opened my own eyes to a couple of things that perhaps I have been overlooking. Could God inspire us in such a way? Could He be helping us to not only enrich the mind of a child but to also fulfill a sense of the fatherhood I have felt I would never have? Could He be guiding me toward looking at things in different ways to and help me concentrate more? 

The thing I love about God is that the possibilities are endless and most magical in their own ways. I came home completely exhausted, and yes, a 3rd grader’s homework he was behind on wore out this 40-something- year-old guy. But I still managed to get home and take the time to write this blog and now from here go to work. It will be a hard night ahead for sure, but I am anxious to get to it. Although Jacob won't see me write this blog or even getting through work tonight, I can't help but have a sense of wanting to lead by example. Talk about a multi-tasking God! 

This week, I challenge you and myself to let youthful individuals bring a sense of who we are and where we came from all while packing a lesson, not only for them, but also for us. 

Much love and God bless everyone.

John Tam

Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back, Troopers, to another Faith Filled Friday! 

This last week was found much like the one before, and the one before that, a constant echo. Do we not appreciate a cold glass of ice water a lot more on a hot summer’s day? Might I appreciate a conversation more perhaps because I feel so alone? Maybe because I didn't have all the toys other kids had, I have more imagination. Because I have not had a relationship that's stood the test of time, despite working so hard for it, I appreciate it more when it was present and accounted for. The things we long for in life are often the things that could keep us humble. Being humble is a gift all to itself, yet, too easily lost. 

Humility is about reminding ourselves daily to be grateful for what we have, but also maybe what we don't have. I recently thought about moments of my childhood where I wanted a popular toy and I was never able to get it; we were just too poor. I never had a lot of toys, but I was humbled by that, and I likely will be for my entire lifetime too. Where and what I was lacking as a kid, I made up for with a growing imagination. My mind could turn anything into spaceship. I wasn't only the regular super hero... I invented new ones. Any stick I picked up could be a firearm and would make me a trooper. 

Although I have had moments of day dreaming and spacing out, I can't recall too many times in my lifetime where I was bored. Yet I hear people say that all the time, even children. God instilled this gift in me and I am entirely content with feeling such precious life through the same wind that not only fills our lungs... but graces my face.... Can't help but feel that sometimes I might just have more than others in that sense.

You see I find myself appreciating the fact that despite all the things I have wanted and not attained, that it has all formed this part and piece of me that loves, appreciates and feels things deeply. Sometimes that can feel like a curse. But for the most part being able to see God's grace and love in things almost everywhere I look is such a huge gift. So I am thankful to the power of the universe, my mother and God himself, for not always providing and giving in to my wants. It's amazing to me that how bad we can want and never have the joy of getting it, could bring happiness and joy on different levels. Sometimes our Father knows best! 

Still it hurts to be so alone... often with the silence as a friend, but also an adversary. But this void perhaps isn't an empty space as more it might be a cavern to feel from. I just know I love and appreciate music, laughter, joy, and yes even the tears that much more. I will never take for granted the time, the love, the joy and laughter of a friend or especially a mate that wants to stick around and believe in me. 

Love is and always will be a best roommate. I know for me it is.

Much love and till next time, try and appreciate something you had to go without because of its end effect. God surely works in mysterious ways.

John

Fatih Filled Friday's

Welcome back to Faith Filled Friday's!

Do you ever feel like there needs to be five of you to get it all done because things are just too crazy? Well that is how I have felt for quite some time; however, this week has been an extremely challenging one for me: between emergency dental visits, an extension deadline fast approaching for my taxes and missing that deadline due to a bug in the IRS’s system, there were also VA issues. Oh, and let’s not forget car breakdowns, printer breakdowns, business issues... Well let's say I am grasping for any extra seconds or bits of calm and peace that I can get.

Well, all of this really became too much and I grabbed my head and let out a scream. I felt trapped, my anxiety coming on so strong sending me into a full-on panic attack. I prayed for God to help me through it as I don't like having to reach for medication to help settle me down. But in this moment, I absolutely had to reach for them, fighting feelings of guilt, feeling like half a man because I can't deal with it all without assistance from a pill. All these thoughts were swirling with all the other stuff as I reached into the cabinet for what I knew would quiet it all. 

Just as I was reaching into the cupboard, the doorbell rang. It was a friend showing up and I realized right away that she was totally God sent. She was able to help me calm down enough to get the priority stuff done and then talk me through an emotional breakdown. I fell to tears and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop. I was so overwhelmed with the reality that though I felt so all alone, God heard my silent screams of panic. I don't always have people show up like that and in fact I am alone most of the time. But in my dark moment, God showed up in the form of a friend. I felt…loved, cared for.

So I just wanted to portray my thanks to God and to my friend by sharing this with you. See, sometimes we just need to hold on a few seconds later... help is on the way. Once again I find myself in tears but this time it's because I feel blessed. I needed exactly what came my way tonight. I surely hope this blesses you wherever you are in heart, mind and spirit.

Until next week.. Much love & God Bless,

~John Tam

Fatih Filled Friday

Oh, friends, if you’re a pet lover, you’re really going to relate with this blog today. I too believe that God uses four-legged friends for many, many things in our faith journey…one of them being learning to be vulnerable! Grab your favorite beverage and join us for a sweet time!

Welcome back everyone to another Faith Filled Friday! 

So I thought I'd share some pretty exciting news here: After going two years since I lost my best friend Bella (my dog), I have decided to take on a kitten. This is a big step for me. I am not the kind of person to fill the painful loss and void with just another. I loved my dog Bella with every part of me. She was the most loyal friend and she was always there for me, even eager to warm my cold feet. I think for many of us in the world when we have troubles connecting with people we confide in our four-legged family members quite a bit. Animals have a unique way of filling in the voids that come our way in the world. I was incredibly blessed that God brought that dog into my life. I miss her dearly but I feel that the time has come to bring a family member into this home. I have actually been quite excited and found myself even surfing through the pages of Amazon and heading to a pet store to get a few things. The anticipation is building and I still have a month and a half of waiting before I bring the lil' guy home. I just couldn't help myself. 

I have always wanted to be good to any pet I have had because I want to bond with them. This leads me to read up extensively, so that I may fully understand what I am getting into, but mostly to gather the knowledge and figure out how I am going to put it together to create the best and overall experience for the both of us. 

This really got me to thinking about God and how in creating our world, all of the thought and love that He put into understanding that mankind would fair very well with companions like four-legged pets. Someone once asked me: "Where do you see God the most when you look at the world?" I remember thinking how blessed I was to have that dog named Bella. She brought me so much love and joy. I feel she really got me and I got her. I can't explain what it was like to know that I had a living thing that never wanted to leave me, especially considering all of my abandonment issues rooted in my childhood. The concept of something, someone by my side from the starting line to the finish line in life is something so energizing and fulfilling for me. 

So now once again I am opening up and laying out the welcome mat to a new family member. A little nervous but mostly excited for a new bonding experience with a new friend. Pray for me folks, if you don't mind because in opening up this time round, I realize the risk because it's hard to love when you still feel the loss of one you’ve loved. 

Can't wait to share some pictures with all of you and write about some funny new experiences that come with my new four-legged family member.

Much love everyone... till next week…and remember, love and laugh as much you can.

John

P.S. And since I think the Big Man upstairs might read my blog post, I'd like to thank Him for helping me heal enough to open up my heart once again. ;) Let me leave you with this question: In what way do you need to become vulnerable again?

Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to another Faith Filled Friday. 

How many of us fear the automobile breakdown, especially one that happens in the middle of the night, far from any help and out of range from any cell phone towers or even other drivers? I drive for a living through areas like this in the middle of the night and on occasion it happens. This is one of my bigger prayers; that God watch over me and help me to get through the night of work and back home regardless of what happens…and it happened!

There I was, miles from nowhere and my car’s lights went super dim. I pulled over right away, popped the hood and the serpentine belt was still good. I instantly suspected the alternator and or battery. Knowing I needed to make it back to cell phone range, or even better, home, I started driving back towards help. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. As I started to drive I asked God to please give me enough juice in the battery to get me there. Shortly after my prayer the lights went completely out and my car died. It was so strange to pray one second and then the very next break down. So there I was, a man with a flashlight... a new bright one I might add, thinking how can I get help? For a mere moment I felt completely stranded and helpless.

That thought only resided in me for a moment and I remembered an old battery jumper I keep for emergencies. But this was different. If the alternator isn't charging the battery once it starts it would do me no good. But then it came to me: Why not hook up the clamps to the battery and let the battery jumper be my primary power for the car, and instead of using the headlights (which drain a car battery very quickly while the car is running) use the new bright flashlight I had just purchased the week before when my other one broke? It was worth a try! 

Imagine this: There I was in the darkness pulling a Macgyver. Got it hooked up and braced so it wouldn't move around while driving back.

 As I got back in and pulled the seatbelt over me and clicked in. I knew I had to pray again...and so I did. I sat there for a moment and went through the checks in my head: Power for battery, check; flashlight, check; prayer for safety, check. Without hesitation I turned the key and it started! I flipped the flashlight on holding it out the window and I was off. There I was driving down the road getting closer and closer to help and as I did, I felt a confidence in me. I really got to thinking about all the things that had unfolded to get me going again.

You see I think when I first prayed when I was breaking down I thought God had answered back instantly by letting me break down that moment right after my prayer. But now while scooting back down the road, I had a different thought: What if God was looking out for me long before I prayed that night? What if a week earlier when my other flashlight broke that was not very bright had worked for another week? Without the new bright flashlight I could not have driven like that. Where did I think to use a jumper far beyond what it was meant for? It occurred to me that through life I have been in these really bad spots, while as a child, in the military, and now many times as a civilian. Somehow I have made it through all of them. I realized that this confidence in me that night was not solely mine; it was the feeling of strength that once again God was helping me get through something. 

One of my struggles in life is abandonment. It has built traits in me that I deal with frequently. I can't put in words how good it felt to break down and strategically think my way out of a hard predicament. But that isn't my goal here. My goal here is to inspire you friends while reminding me that at any moment, that even something breaking down such as a flashlight might just be God cleverly intervening. 

What I ended up with by breaking down that night is something I have really been lacking in my life... confidence. God gave me the basic necessities, and let me use my own mind, my own knowledge to get back. As I wrote this I started crying…tears of joy. Amazing the man who struggles and breaks down, only to come away from it feeling empowered and backed by God. How lucky we are to be loved by such a higher power. 

So did I make it back? Yes I did... and more. Soon as I got back into town I turned on the headlights and thought I'd see just how far I'd get to home. As I turned the corner for home, the lights went super dim and although I didn't break down again, it was really close. I spent the rest of that day ripping apart my vehicle to fix the alternator. All I can say is ... GOD IS GOOD!

Much love everyone... Till next time, feel God in your sails...

John

Faith Filled Friday

Welcome back to another Faith Filled Friday everyone! Hope you've had a brilliant week. :)

This last week I felt a need to drive somewhere, head off anywhere so as to not stay perched between the walls of my home. As I took off I had an idea that I would not pick my destination, but instead if I saw a bird go flying by, I'd turn and go in the same direction. I didn't know where the birds would lead me, but my eyes were certainly open to this new adventure. The thought that I'd let free birds take the steering wheel was just fun to me. 

So there I was driving and a bird would cross the horizon and I'd then turn to follow its lead, and several times I found myself on dead-end country roads; it happened over and over again. Although I was enjoying the ride I wanted to end up somewhere other than where I was. It was a little frustrating for a while. After several times over several hours I was once again coming to a dead-end road. This time I needed to stop and get out so I could stretch my legs. After walking for a bit I sat down on a patch of grass beside the road and a thought came over me. Why had I been so frustrated ending up on several dead-end roads? Was I frustrated with the birds? 

As I sat there pondering these questions, I noticed a cool breeze came up and I could hear it blowing through the leaves of a nearby tree. It dawned on me in that moment that peace was everywhere around me. There was no politics in the background, no sounds of anything man made. I felt so incredibly free. The sun was nearing its setting when I saw a hawk gliding in the wind above. It was an incredible sight to see but also to feel. Enough wind for the hawk to not have to hardly flap his wings...he just soared, and soared and as he did I had this feeling of emotion come over me and it made so much sense.

In life we can drive toward goals, love, events, adventures, only to arise at the end of a road. But maybe that's not such a bad thing? Maybe it's God answering a prayer? Maybe He's trying to show us something? Maybe He's just trying to quiet the white noise of the world because we needed it more than we realized. But after that little adventure, I have come to realize it just might be a way He inspires so we can talk with Him. 

For me, that hawk had enough wind beneath his wings to lift us both, and I felt blessed for I breathe this same air into my lungs and ride the wind of life. I know I need to try harder to let God in my life like that more often. Just trusting in the Creator of the free birds, taking their lead... to have faith like the wind beneath their wings and perhaps even the peace once can discover at the end of a dead end road...

Much love everyone... God bless

John Tam

Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to Faith Filled Fridays everyone! Grab your favorite beverage and come on in for a few moments.

Some different thoughts came my way earlier in the day. Ernest Hemingway once said: "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down to a typewriter and bleed." 

Many a time, I have sat down and let my fingers bleed out what the heart can no longer keep inside. My mindset has been this since I was encouraged to write feelings out as a young teen in the foster system of California. At first it was incredibly difficult for I could not find the words to portray the emotion and feelings I seemed to almost be trapped in. Trying to explain fear, sadness, depression... how could a young man put words to these? 

I remember wanting to arrange my words in a way that people could not only understand but ultimately feel inside. At that time of my life (and, yes, even now sometimes) I felt no one listened to me about the things that had happened to me, and how they affected me. So I remember pondering that maybe this is the way to explain what I can't express and if I find just the right words and/or analogies that maybe someone would hear me.

All these years later...I have bled so much, but tonight when I remembered that quote from Mr. Hemingway a thought jumped in my head: What if I could type to heal instead of bleed? Surely there is as much oomph in a word on the opposite side of the spectrum. I admit this really made me feel good to think about the possibilities in writing.

We can climb to a summit, or we can fall to dive into refreshing water. Oh yes, we can surely write for a better tomorrow, my friends. So where is God in all this? Tonight I came to realize that God is the typewriter, the keyboard, the pen and even the brush. So what of us? We are the paper and the canvas. We can bleed and heal so much onto that paper that things can become hard to decipher.

Our prayers surely encourage the Holy Spirit to provide us with more canvases, more paper for a cycle that I not only repeat in writing this midnight blog, but more importantly start fresh. Writing is not always a way for others to hear us, but even more importantly, for us to hear ourselves.

Much love & God bless you through till next week... 

Your fellow trencher & friend,

~John Tam

Faith Filled Friday

It Could Happen!

Hello everyone! Hope everyone has had a good week. I found myself thinking a lot this week about how healing takes shape from heartbreak. I was caught up in thinking about just how it all comes together. It brought on a ton of thoughts and even a little bit of pain but writing this blog for me is ultimately a part of my own healing. So grab your favorite beverage and join me.

I have come up short so many times in love. It's hard to not give up on the possibility that someone is out there for me; though I must admit I have grown quite weary and tired from heartbreak. It's hard to recover when it strips my emotions to the bone. Not even an enemy can hurt us as bad as those we love!  Mere hateful words from a loved one can last longer than an insult from a stranger. 

Long ago I realized I can only be "All In" and nothing else in a relationship. It doesn't mean I get to have everything my way. It means I am willing to work extremely hard at something worthwhile. The ability to compromise is one of love's greatest tools. Compromise starts by sometimes closing the mouth and listening. Ears are another set of brilliant tools God gave us to love with. 

To love partially; is that really love, then? Love is meant for so much more than just only in the good times. I believe that love has its adversities and challenges naturally, but how else can we grow?  Down deep in our subconscious we benefit in knowing despite arguing with the ones we love, that they won't leave us behind. God knows I long for that in a partner, a life-long partner.

We don't always get back what we put into love... nor should we expect to. We surely cannot keep scores or stats on this tie that binds us. Nor can you judge them by it. I have loved people who want to love entirely, to trust it unconsciously but simply can't because the fear of being vulnerable is too much to handle or take on. Oh, the feeling of loving someone enough to look past the fear, to be all in...I wish we could all love and be loved that way

Vulnerability feeds the emotional freedom you feel while “IN” love. I want to be a better man day by day... to learn to trust again, to be brave enough to take the risk and I realize that because I’ve been beaten down with heartbreak... again and again and yet over again, prayer will be my companion. It is in and through prayer that hope will rise and with it comes not only the possibility to love and be loved... but also healing. God surely made us to love and respect one another. I’m learning that part of the healing is surrendering it to God... that in HIS time IT COULD HAPPEN! :)

May we all be blessed by the love & respect we give and share with others. :)

~John Tam

Faith Filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to another Faith Filled Friday!

This week I thought I was set to write about one thing but at the last second decided to change it up. So here goes. Please bear with me as I know it might be a little long but it is worth the read. :)

For many years of my young adulthood I did not even know about credit and what it did as I was in the military and I just used cash and never applied for any loans or needed the use of a credit score. After getting out of the military I quickly learned what credit was for and started working hard to create a good credit history. I learned what each scoring bracket range was and wanted to work hard to get over 800. This was in part because I wanted to one day purchase my own home which I have always dreamed about since being very young. 

I was along this journey for better credit when I was in an accident on my motorcycle. I had gone over the side of a cliff on my motorcycle and had to be airlifted to immediate help and later hospitalized. I was told that the VA refused to pay for it because they did not receive notice of the hospitalization within 14 days. 

Now a little background: My shoulder was previously injured in the military and it went out while riding that day. In going over a cliff I thought my life was over but thank God I had just purchased new riding gear. In fact it was the first time paying for all the gear I had. It was truly the body armor that saved my life that day. However, it didn't save me from the terrible debt I had now gone into. 

After paying down some of that debt I started feeling better even though my credit took somewhat of a hit. So I got back to damage repair on the credit and in 2007 was in another accident where I was broadsided. In this accident I suffered a back injury that I have lived with for so many years and to this day still suffer from. Once again the VA would not be paying for my hospitalization or any of my medical bills. This time I would be sued and so I quickly decided to take the credit I had and get into a home so that I could flip it after 2 years of sweat equity and pay off the medical debt as this would keep me from bankruptcy. 

While I found a home and signed a contract and had it in escrow I learned that I was levied, which means that they took everything I had in the bank and they left me with no way for my checks to clear for any of the bills I had just paid. The home I had in escrow fell out and I almost was sued for that. 

Since then I have struggled so bad. My back had gotten worse. I gained weight... It was the perfect storm and my credit fell to the 500's. 

I also fell into depression and just gave up for years. One day I decided to start trying again. For years I read articles online and did things to bring up my credit score bit by bit. It's a frustrating process because at times I felt like it was one step forward two steps back. But still I stuck with it.

For the last two years I have actually had a good credit score rising to the 700's. I've still always wanted to get into the 800's but I had reached a point where I accepted 770 would probably be as good as it would ever get. It just seemed to be the best I could get... 

So then yesterday came along. I checked my score and I was so shocked that I signed out and signed back in... I was so excited and felt like I needed to call someone; instead, I opted to write about it. You see that score represents a lot of hard brutal work. I felt that God saw me through to this... because although I had not given up on a good credit score I admit I had given up ever seeing the 800's. Despite home prices being too high for me to afford, even with a good 805 score, it still feels great. I prayed for that so long ago... and I made it. 

I am not going to be sad that I can't purchase my home for now... This makes me realize that the possibilities are still there, even when we might not realize it because we have a loving God that hears prayers and gets around to them, in His time and our partnering with Him. 

I am trying to heal and work on many things in my life... all of which I prayed for. I have worked hard toward these things like anger and abandonment... and here we have a class starting very soon to put me back in the driving seat toward a better life and a more consistent level of happiness. Will my score of problems and pain be gone at the end of this Trench class? Surely not, but the tools I learn will put me above the 700s in the score of healing! I have no doubt about it. I am aiming for that 805 score of living, healing, loving... That is just something I have to keep giving to God. I have to keep giving myself the oxygen to see it through. One day I will own my very own home, a place where I can have my own dogs without worrying about landlords, or seeing homelessness like I have in the past. I just can't thank the Lord enough... 

Much love & God bless everyone... Till next time,

~John

Faith Filled Friday

Welcome to Faith Filled Fridays! Have you ever had to talk yourself into an attitude of gratitude? Oh I know I have! Grab your beverage and join John as he shares a time such as this!

Day of Thx...

Despite the pain that takes so many away from me, I am learning that I can still have a great day. For example, after working, here’s what I thought: Nothing like going to work for an honest day's wage. Thereafter, going for a small walk I was grateful for many things, a time to clear my head and think upon those things I need to be grateful for. 

Then, when I came home I was given an opportunity to help a friend fix her son's car, which also gave us a chance to visit and catch up on our friendship. I just really love being with other people. 

Afterwards, when I walked home, I took in the beauty of yet another sunset. Wow, breathtaking, a moment that literally took my breath away, and how grateful I am that He gives me the ability to capture it with a camera!

I took the time to read an old National Geographic I previously overlooked and then it was time to get to bed for a few hours rest. Despite not having the things in life I dream of having... a family of my own to include four- legged family member as well, I felt…content. Another thing I felt was hope. All these things my heart desires, because of Who my hope is in, I know they could happen.

For now I thank God above for a good day. 

Have a great day everyone. Just think, we're alive and taking our fair share of the O2!

John

Faith Filled Friday

Welcome to Faith-Filled Fridays and John’s blog, from his heart to yours, here it is:

So tonight I had some pretty bad writers block. I searched far and wide for something that would spark thoughts to inspire something you'd all like to read. Hours I sat here listening to music, reading previous thoughts I had jumbled onto paper... still nothing came to me. So I closed these eyes of mine and asked God to step in and give me a hand; another hour went by. Then I came across the most beautiful quote: 

"Perhaps someday I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty of sorrow." ~ Sylvia Plath

I loved it so much and thought for sure it had cracked my block open enough to get through it to the words but it just didn't seem to flow. I decided to share the quote on my FB wall. Shortly after I did, a friend I hardly know commented and the following short conversation unfolded: 

Julie Cass: Hey John... 

John Tam: Hey Julie 

Julie Cass: Listening to Keith Urban and John Mayer makes me a happy camper tonight.. Cheers!! 

John Tam: Right on! That was totally random and I love that you shared it with me. Really glad you feel the height of happiness. :) 

Julie Cass: It's more joy, but truly happiness too. Keep on keeping on my Man. 

John Tam: Always in the fight for healing, joy and inner peace. You really helped me with something tonight and you didn't even know it. Thanks for that. Sometimes we help people in ways by just saying something to them... even when random. How sweet it is this thing called life and the breaths of air that come with it. Good night, Julie :)

When I realized that at that moment God worked through someone to help me with my writer’s block, well it just felt fabulous. It really opened me up into thinking about all the things that shaped my evening and how thankful I was for the music, the friends that shared some music back at me after I had shared some myself. To stumble upon a quote that I absolutely love... all to come to a head with someone's completely random sharing of their joy and happiness, which led to this writing, this happiness that I didn't have to force upon myself by just being happy finding words. Instead this left me feeling like God had me covered tonight in a rather different way... a puzzle that just seems to keep coming together. 

I can't help but wonder just how many things out there are happening all around us that we never put together because we are so pre-occupied by stress, a to-do list, and the world and its many problems. I know I love it when things drift into place. It's like waking up with the light bulb above one's head just as it illuminates. I wonder the things I might have missed, but even more I look to what I have yet to find. 

Much love everyone... God Bless every piece of the puzzle...

John

Faith Filled Friday

Welcome to Coffeehour @ Chickllit Power and Trench Classes United. Come on in for a short heart-felt story.

Today I caught myself thinking about seasons. How magical they are and what they might represent for people and how they correspond to one more than another. We are forever bonded to seasons by things that happened as children: Building a snow man, skiing for the first time, running and leaping into the leaves that gracefully fell upon the ground before us so we as gleeful children would leap with blind faith into them. Perhaps it was a season of growth where the next offspring of leaves grow and weave their way back into branches all while bringing the gift of shade on a hot summer's day. Any way you choose to see, feel, touch and absorb them, aren't they just amazing? 

Many years ago I remember living with my grandparents in North Carolina. When fall came around I remember loving seeing all the colorful leaves falling to the ground. One day my Grandfather walked up to me with a rake and some yard waste bags. He told me to rake up all the leaves in the front yard and to stuff the leaves into the yard waste bags. I looked at the yard and remember thinking... Wow... this is going to take a long time. I was discouraged by the very thought of it. I'd rather been out skateboarding... But I got myself into the thick of it. I raked for hours and was getting the most of them into a huge pile. As this pile grew, I notice I felt more and more overwhelmed. But still, I kept at it... until my grandmother brought out some ice cold water and told me to take a break. I remember just letting myself fall back into that pile…and my grandmother followed suit and youthfully did the same! 

I remember loving that she did that with me. It made me feel good and that she was sharing something fun with me. In that moment my Grandmother opened up and shared some youthful memories of her own childhood, diving into piles of leaves as a young girl without a care in the world. I loved laying there and listening to her talking, but I won't lie... I especially enjoyed laying amongst the leaves because it was a lot easier to do than raking them into a pile. So as good things come to an end too... 

My Grandfather came out and told me to get back to it, but first he came over he sat down in the leaves with us and suggested that I rake them into many smaller piles instead of one big one. All I felt was blah... I didn't want to get back to it. Reluctantly, I got up and back to the grind of rakin' leaves I went... In front of me all I saw was a big towering pile but still I wanted to pile it higher and higher... it somehow amused me to do so. So I raked and raked. I soon began to figure out that I was raking so much more than I had too. But part of really wanted to leap harder, higher, farther, faster into them. So still I raked and raked. When I finished and got them into that pile I leaped my biggest leap into them... and it was so much fun but because I was so exhausted... my leap was probably smaller than my first one earlier that day.

Things dawned on me in that moment as I realized my many mistakes. What I had not done was pace myself and pay attention to the overall job. I just saw the reward and not the effort I would have to apply. When my grandfather came back out he told me I needed to have the leaves into bags before sundown. I remember thinking: "How am I going to get all these in these bags before sundown?" I gazed at the pile and felt a stress growing and growing. That overwhelming feeling began again. It ended up taking me past dark... but I finally finished. 

I remember feeling completely exhausted. That is just how big that yard was. But I also remember my grandmother's moment with me earlier... 

I wasn't happy with my grandfather that day so long ago. But as time goes by we begin to think in different ways and realize that sometimes love works in many different ways. You see my Grandfather could have told me from the beginning to sort into different piles... But no he let me do my thing... he let me create that huge pile of leaves to jump in with my grandmother. Only then did he come out and offer his advice to make things easier on me. It was the first time I had learned to work smarter not harder in life. As hard as that day was on me, I love that my grandfather was patient with me even when he saw me struggling. He let me struggle with all the extra effort. 

I have come to believe that in life we surely need the struggle; we need advice; we need to share a good time while we accomplish something and even sometimes accomplish nothing. That was a hard day of effort and yet it was one of my most unforgettable moments I shared with my much missed Grandmother and Grandfather. 

The following day, I was asked to rake the back yard. So let me ask you all... which way do you think I raked their back yard? Yes, of course I took my grandpa's advice and did it his way! But being me, I also opted to rake three piles together that were close to one another. It took me half the time it had the day before and yet I still got to take a huge leap! Sometimes we need to listen to those that love us for they might just know a little more than we do. Maybe God is telling us something? Maybe a loved one is trying to share something with us whether a story or a lesson... it's all bathed in love. Remembering this has cast a light of understanding that love is so much more dynamic and brighter when we don't just do things OUR OWN WAY. Even the falling leaves of a season can light our way.

What might be the memory that brings the feeling of your favorite season? What might have you found in thinking back upon it? Dare yourself to be a little vulnerable; trust those leaves and leap into your very own season! 

Much love everyone,

John