Jenn’s Journey

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Good morning fabulous friends. It's Monday, it's fall, and it's time for a coffee break. Thanks for stopping in!

 I am reading a book by Stasi Eldredge called "Becoming Myself; Embracing God's Dream For You." It's a fantastic book and I recommend it. I read something in it this morning that has me thinking: "In cases of suffering, you can have understanding, or you can have Jesus. If you insist on understanding, you usually lose both."

I've shared for a few weeks now about my journey of marriage to, and divorce from, a personality disordered person with many narcissistic traits. I've spent many years struggling to understand, first of all, what in the world happened? How did I get fooled into that relationship? How did he become this way? What could I have done differently? Did I cause it? What is wrong with me? Oh the list of whys could go on forever. I do believe that questioning why is a good thing. Questioning, for a season, can lead to answers and a deeper understanding. In cases such as a failed relationship, questions keep me from making a similar mistake.

Ideally, questions and understanding facilitate healing.  It's easy to become bogged down in the whys, to stay entrenched in the pain, bitterness, anger or depression that come from painful situations. I fight this constantly because now I share custody with this person and what makes that incredibly difficult is I feel he uses my child as a pawn. Mama bear doesn't do so well with understanding why her child's story has to have this dark side to it!

 I have to understand that I might never understand. I don't like this. I want to rail against this fact. Somehow I think that if I can just figure it out, I'll have 'the' answer. This is where choice comes in. I have to choose Jesus. I've had to choose to give the dark, ugly side of our story to Him.

I saw a comment that went something like "Instead of asking why, ask what next?"

This comment resonated with me because I am beginning to really want whatever IS next. The cool thing is I get to choose! I get to build the kind of life I want for my daughter and me. It is up to me. Do I struggle still? Absolutely. Is the pain and suffering gone? Not completely, and it may never be. I do know this: I do not want to be stuck in the pit of anger, depression and why me forever; I want to thrive in life, not just survive.

I am full of quotes today, so I end with another of my favorites: "I don't know what my future holds but I know WHO holds my future."

Until next week, be blessed,

Jenn