Faith filled Friday

Hello and welcome back to Faith Filled Friday.

When I share something through my blog writings I always try and show the light at the end of the tunnel, a wakening and maybe even an epiphany that came to me. But this post is a little different. It's about transparency of a different kind, maybe?

So have any of you ever done something incredibly & unintelligently stupid?  When you have so much going on that the decisions you make are done by auto pilot?

As I shared last week, my father, whom I have never met, is going to pass away soon. I have been through the passing of my foster parents, my step-father, and now my bloodline father is dying and he's now to the point where I was told he isn't even waking up. I have wanted to meet and talk with my father for my entire lifetime. Never getting to meet him is becoming a reality that I am having a difficult time accepting. I feel this huge loss and it's been consuming me. 

The situation has only gotten worse with family on his side that seems to feel that for some reason I am to blame for my father never being in my life and they have even said as much. They seem not able to comprehend why I ask how my father is doing every day but I just want some form of update as to how he is. Despite how much they have hurt me I have reached hard and deep into prayer as one source of coping through this painful situation, but also into my transform classes to try and make sense of all this.

Sometimes you learn things in life, yet it's not always about learning a specific thing. It's really the fact that sometimes strength isn't ultimately in knowing or discovering any one thing at all; that in actuality, it might be more the fact that instead of discovering something -- an answer or a new understanding -- you in essence create something within. It’s the voice that says "It hurts so badly and despite all this pain, I'll be alright."

It all ties into the abandonment I have felt not only with my father, but also my mother and many other family members and loved ones. To be honest here I am not even quite sure where my blog post is going other than to say I am grateful for the fact I took these classes as they have helped me maybe not with understanding but maybe more in granting myself the time and understanding that I just might have to be ok with never understanding. Wow! Just typing 'Never' made me burst out in tears.

Please pray for my father and the rest of my family I have never met. I am just trying to find and feel the peace in knowing that this time around I won't have that awakening or that epiphany in this passing of my father. I will never know quite why my father chose to not have me in his life. I have to be ok with that in some capacity. 

Much love to each and every one of you,

John