Tuesday’s Trench Lesson

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks for stopping by for Tuesday’s Trench Lesson with Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power! Grab your coffee, your Strand of Faith, and your journal too. The last couple of weeks have been full of lots of opportunities for me to put into practice what I am teaching in the trenches. Let’s go jump in the trench to talk about a very important relational issue that is sure to bring you more peace while rising above the conflict.

How many of us can say we’ve NEVER been hurt? All of us have been hurt at one time or another. It’s what we do when we are hurt that differentiates us from victim or victor. Do we strike back like a snake loaded with venom, or do we step back and take a look at all of the signals flashing on the emotional dashboard?  When the “check engine” light comes on in your car’s dashboard, what do you do? I hope you check it out or at least have it looked at. I’ve been known to ignore my dashboard lights, only to run into problems later that could have been avoided. The exact same principle applies emotionally: When we don’t pay attention to the emotional dashboard, we will have a crash, cause a crash or both!

I’m learning all the time about myself through the gift of others. I know in my gut, down to my toes and back up, that’s His intention for relationships, to teach us about us.

Let’s get back to my other question about what is it we do when we are hurt. Well, I’ve had a LOT of practice in this area, and as a matter of fact, very recently. When the initial “hurting” happened, I spent some time journaling about it. I was desperately trying to reason in my heart and mind the how and why of it all, and then I began to pray.  Of course I prayed that my heart wouldn’t become bitter, that I would share my hurt in a loving way…yada, yada, yada, all that stuff we should do instead of striking back. But the pain wouldn’t go away; I needed answers.

So I asked Him, and He spoke to me in a way that I would understand, using the exact same words I ask my Transformers: “What is it you are feeling?’

Two words came gushing out of me, without any brakes: “LEFT OUT”!

He asked me another question: “Have you ever felt left out as a child?”

Suddenly the past was colliding with the present moment, mixing with all the questions from the emotional pain of it all. Jesus was asking me to look my pain in the face!

“Of course I have! Not only yes, but heck yes.”  Memories of my years in a foster home came tumbling forth: memories of not being good enough to be adopted by foster parents who kept dangling that carrot in front of me, saying if you’re good enough, we’ll adopt you, and them excluding me out of activities they did with their biological kids, and on and on. I don’t intend on glorifying the enemy in any way shape or form, but oh my goodness did that bring clarity!  Let me explain what I mean:

Many times in our pain, something from the past is colliding with the present…and putting the pain on steroids!

When we make the time to take the time to really examine our pain, stare it in the face and ask those two questions, we rise above the conflict and are able to maneuver through it without becoming part of the problem while adding to the solution! See, pain can be one of the greatest Professors to ever speak into our lives!  And I do not mean this in any sort of sadistic way at all.

Oh, and as far as the incident that sent me to my knees crying out for understanding, God heard my cry, honored my willingness to let the pain be a teacher, and I can honestly say, He continues to be my pain reliever, working things out for my good, their good and His glory!

Who or what is your pain reliever when someone causes you pain?

Join me tomorrow for the conclusion to 7 Differences between Guilt and Shame…

Love,

Evinda

Jenn’s Journey

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Good morning friends and happy Monday!:) I hope your weekend was a beautiful one.

The other day I was talking with a friend who I've known since elementary school. We were discussing how wonderful it is to have friends we've known since childhood. The conversation turned to wondering what so and so is up to nowadays, and trading stories. From there, we talked about some of our own choices and where those have led our lives. Both of us expressed how we wished some of those choices had been different!

It's nice to have friends I can be transparent with. I am so blessed. (This is one more thing to add to the thankful list this season.) This particular friend and I have been reminding each other to keep our requests before God and allow Him to lead in our lives, as well as to watch for the signs that He is listening. I reminded her that He thinks we are His masterpieces. Her response was, "Well, I am a mosaic for sure." What great insight!

I got to thinking about that so I looked it up. Here is one definition of a mosaic: "At the most simple definition, mosaic is ‘a picture or other design constructed from smaller pieces.’ As well as the subject and style of the design, it is the choice of materials, plus the skill in creating and placing the pieces that contribute to the personal, artistic and practical value of the mosaic. A special feature is that the pieces are normally solid and durable."

If you've ever seen a mosaic, you know that they are usually very beautiful. Even the ones that don't make up a particular picture are incredibly pretty.

“Broken pieces made into something beautiful.” I love this visual.  It's what God promises in Romans 8:28: "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose."

It may take a while to see the good He's working out. Maybe others will see the beauty before we do. The good news is we won't be disappointed with the end result.

Until next week, be blessed.

Jenn

Croley’s Corner @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Hear my prayer, O Lord, Give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, and in Your righteousness. Psalm 143:1

Welcome back this week to our Coffee Hour. I’m certainly glad you could join me today. Grab you things and let’s see what He has in store for us today!

How many can honestly say that when you’ve prayed you felt your prayers just hit the ceiling and you get no answers? No matter how hard you try, they just don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Do you begin to think He doesn’t hear you? Do you believe He seems uninterested and He doesn’t care? Sometimes we have to ask ourselves some hard questions; for example, are we asking with the wrong motives? 

Are we praying self-centered prayers?  In my 40-plus years of ministry, I have come across times when I’ve had people come to me wanting to know why God hasn’t answered their prayers. They’ve heard what God has done in my life and in my marriage and they want the same for theirs as well; who could blame them? There have been times I’ve heard people say: I go to church. I pray. I cry out to God. Why isn’t He answering? Why doesn’t He care?

I must reiterate this truth: He does hear, and He does care.  Psalm 18:6 says “In my distress I called upon the Lord; and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry came before Him, even to His ears.”  

Could it be that we want a program to follow to get God to do what we want Him to do? Trying to side-step God’s plan in the process by rushing the purpose can be dangerous. God is not a genie where you can rub the magic lamp and ask for whatever your wish is and expect it to be His command!

Please don’t get me wrong or think I’m uncaring…if anything, I may be more so! Our heavenly Father is a loving Father who sometimes says “yes” and sometimes says “no” or even “wait,” just as any earthly parent would say when asked by their children for certain needs. Matthew 7:11  

We can rob God of His full glory when we imply that He uses magic to accomplish spectacular feats. Now think of all the prayers on a universal scale. How can God answer them all? One is asking for it “to rain” and at the same time another asks for it “not to rain.” Then there’s the two teams both praying to win. We look at our requests and forget that everyone else in the world is praying to Him, too.  Boy, am I glad I’m not God! Yet, most of the time, we can fall into a trap and treat God as a genie. We tend to treat our prayers as wishes far too often and when our prayers go unanswered it is hard. Maybe we have to wait longer. Maybe it is just not good for us at the time. Maybe we need to endure a specific trial in order to become more like Christ. Whatever the reason is we can rest in the knowledge that God answers our good requests.

Many times we ask from the knowledge of our heads and not necessarily from our hearts and with God it is always a heart thing. He is God and though we don’t always understand His reasons or His ways, they are always for our benefit. We cannot live how we want, outside of God’s ways and will, and expect Him to simply answer our prayers.

So the next time you enter into His presence, enter with thanksgiving in your heart and pray “not my will but yours” and then approach Him with your requests. God wants to know that you want Him to be a part of your life, not just a wish granter.  Matthew 6:33 reminds us “Instead, desire first and foremost God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

 He is a good God and when we ask and it’s not answered right away, we must simply trust that He knows what He’s doing; that He is working on our behalf for our own good. He is a good God! Till next week; can’t wait to hear some of your long awaited answered prayers! And, remember, keep Him close to your heart!

Love, Deb

Paws for Coffee Hour

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Oh, my goodness! Do you have a four-legged friend? You’ve got to join us today; this is gonna be a good one! Grab your coffee…and your strand of faith and come check out how Jenn ties in yet another spiritual principle learned from her four-legged furry friends!

Temptation

If you have ever had a puppy then you know the look of temptation: That sly upward glance that says I know you are watching me but I can’t help myself. :-)  My puppy Logan gives me that look often.  Sometimes he avoids eye contact, as if he thinks that if he can’t see me, I can’t see him.  It is adorable but I know that I must make corrective action; otherwise, something of ours will be eaten, ripped up or played with.

As I watched him in action and I gave him a stern “No, Logan”, I thought …. Do I do that to God?  Are there little things (or large) temptations in my life that I give into?  Of course I know the answer to that question, large or small these things can derail us from our walk, kind of make us look the other way, take our eyes off of Jesus.

I began to study temptation and this is what I found. 

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

While I know that I can overcome in all things through Christ, I have to examine why I am giving in (or contemplating) whatever is tempting me.  The truth is that temptation uncovers what we really want.  Often we believe that we can prove our convictions through facing a temptation but the very fact that we are facing it reveals our true character and convictions.  Where our heart is = where our treasure is.  If you feel a pull to something, then it is responding in your heart on some level.  What we love the most shapes us, good or bad.

For clarification….temptations can be anything from food, to stealing, stress, temptation to worry, too much T.V., other addictions… anything that leads us off of the God-designed path for us.

The bad part is that these temptations end up replacing truth with lies as we try to appear not to be tempted.  Many of us put on the mask of truth so others won’t see our weaknesses.  Our authenticity is covered up and instead of loving God, we love ourselves.

Daily we need to make the choice of “What do I love the most?”  Every action has a reaction whether we cover it up or not.  Take comfort in knowing that EVERYONE has to make these choices each day.  No matter how “arrived” they may seem in their faith, no one has fully arrived until they get before Him.  The difference with those who are more successful with thwarting the temptation is that they have discovered who they are, made adjustments to align with their convictions and walk tall in the presence of Jesus. 

What does temptation say about you?  What would you like to change?  See it nailed to the cross.  Christ offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from our rebellious ways.  He did it for me; He did it for you.

Learning from the gift of four-legged friends,

Jennifer

Trench Lesson, Cont.

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks so much for stopping by for Coffee Hour! Grab your coffee and your Strand of Faith and let’s go talk about a subject that needs some clarification, and will certainly give us a better direction to take when it comes to our relationships.

As I continue to work with others in the trenches, meaning we get to the root of their issues, I am learning…all the time. God’s funny that way, using others to teach us about us. Anyway, there have been several relational situations that have come up that are speaking to me, and quite profoundly. Why? Because they are all entwined with the same theme: finger pointing! One person does or says something, and the first reaction is to heap and hurl accusations without even stopping to properly process what it is they are feeling and needing.

When we can separate what we are feeling/needing from the other person, we are more likely to achieve relationship success and avoid the horrific side effects of shame. It’s so tragic to watch what shame does to a relationship. Being a shame-maker is a relationship-breaker! It is because of this common theme which keeps rising to the surface of our trenches that I thought I’d do this mini-series on the 7 Differences between Guilt and Shame.

The first one is: Guilt addresses what I did wrong; shame screams, “I am wrong!” Do you see the difference? See, guilt separates the sin from the sinner and shame works in the opposite direction, pointing the finger at the committer. If guilt addresses an act, then shame is an attitude which then becomes part of our belief system!

2. Guilt can lead to positive change; shame steers us away from change! Remember, guilt is a result of doing something we know to be wrong and therefore, can work like a warning light on the dashboard of our minds/conscience, a steering wheel in the journey of life helping us to veer away from that same wrong, harmful and/or offensive act. Guilt leads to grace and grace brings change!

Let me leave you with one more:

3. Guilt can lead to accountability and connection, while shame leads to disconnection! How can guilt lead to accountability? Well, confessing our guilt from a mistake to others requires vulnerability; vulnerability increases connection and communication, all of which aid in changed behavior. Shame, on the other hand, encourages silence and hinders ability to confess or share our mistakes. Shame then becomes a condition…an inability to be transparent!

We’ll pick up with more of the seven next week.

From my heart to yours…

Evi

Tuesday’s Trench Lesson

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks for stopping by for Tuesday’s Trench Lesson @ Coffee Hour. Grab your pumpkin spiced latte – oh, that sounds good; Coffee Bean makes the best :-)  – or your coffee, and come on in. Oh, I almost forgot, grab your strand of faith, too, because hopefully you will be able to tie a knot or two in it as it relates to your own journey and our trench lesson. Imagine that strand full of knots, analogous to your faith. Can you see it? How unlikely is it to become unraveled? NOT! As it should be with our faith when circumstances and situations come upon us, threatening to knock us down!

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been invited into several people’s cars, aka, their lives as well as their relational issues. It’s almost uncanny that three completely unrelated couples had a common thread, one that can actually become like a rope and choke out any chance of healthy love. It’s also incredibly ironic that this same thread ties in with our current roots that we are doing both in Transform I and II: the Root of Guilt/Shame and the Root of Impaired Identity. So do you want to know what the common thread is?  Attacking someone’s character instead of addressing our need!  In other words, do we tend to shame someone if they tick us off? We weren’t called to be shame-makers, but bondage-breakers!

Let me give you a real simple example, using myself and my current situation, which is definitely stretching and growing my spiritual muscles: My husband is unemployed and has been for almost eleven months. Now, the old me would have gotten all over him like white on rice and insisted that he be out there pounding the pavement looking for a job, accusing him of all kinds of shortcomings, which would then lead to all sorts of fighting, low self-esteem in him, a perpetual cycle that would eventually end in divorce. That’s called shaming, attacking his character instead of addressing my need. I don’t want to be a shame-maker; I want to be a bondage breaker!

See, my need is to feel secure, financially secure as well as emotionally secure. Well guess what? He can’t meet that right now so what am I to do? Do I stomp my feet, shake my fists, act like a two-year-old who needs her diaper changed? No – but trust me, there’s times I feel like doing that and getting on my broom – I take my need to Him who is able to do exceedingly more than I could ever hope and imagine (Ephesians 3:20), who will meet our needs according to His riches in heaven (Philippians 4:19), including giving me the love and encouragement I need to pass on to my husband during this incredibly tough time in his life…if I ask!

Don’t get me wrong; I’m no angel, and some days are easier than others, but I have learned through relationships that being a shame-maker is a relationship breaker! So before you point the finger and begin to hurl accusations, stop and pay attention to what it is you are in need of because every emotion going through you at that moment is need driven! Pay attention to your emotional dashboard to avoid becoming a shame-maker!

Join me tomorrow for the Seven Differences between Guilt and Shame that I pray will take the gavel out of your hand and place it back in the Father’s!

 Evinda

Jenn’s Journey

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy Monday and happy November! This month kicks off the holiday season, and I admit that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. For me, it tops them all. This year I've been trying to focus on thankfulness all year round and I believe it has helped make a difference in my attitude. This morning, I want to share with you one thing I am grateful for.

Last week was a field trip for my daughter's first- grade class. I was unable to join them for the entire day since I had to see a few patients at work. The night before, my daughter cried buckets of tears because I would not be going. Some of her tears were genuine, and some were crocodile, designed to make a mom feel guilty. :) She ranted on about how could I do this to her, how could I think work was so important, and how sad she was that I would not be there. I did my best to comfort her, to listen to all the feelings without 'fixing' them. No small feat since it's very hard for me to sit with someone's feelings. I said a prayer with her and finally we were able to get some rest.

In the morning, she was calm. She cheerfully told me that she was still sad that I would not be with her, but that it was ok. She understood. I was both amazed, once again, and encouraged by this. I've noticed this type of thing before when I have validated and comforted her feelings, something sort of magical happens: she moves on to accepting a situation much quicker than had I tried to stifle what she felt!

Last night, I spent a great deal of my evening in tears. I have my own sadness and disappointments to deal with. I've had many, many nights like this, as I am sure some of you can relate to. I rant and rave to myself, to God, to a long suffering friend or two. This week I've seen friends lose a son suddenly, at age 16. It's senseless that these things happen. I've come face to face with some less than pretty parts of myself that I need to give to God…and I am feeling very sad about how I've hurt someone I love. You might say I had my own tantrum of sorts. I talked with a friend for a bit, one who listened and gave encouragement, and I was able to lay down for some rest.

I woke up this morning to write my blog. I was unsure of what to share today with my heart being this full. A verse came to mind almost immediately when I first became conscious." It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

This is my thankfulness; that because of Him, I am not consumed. I can 'Cast my anxiety on Him because He cares for me" 1 Peter 5:7 

Until next week, be blessed

Jen