January's WOW continues....

I Can’t But He Can!

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. “

Philippians 4:13

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy Tuesday to you! Thanks for joining me for more of our WOW woven ever so beautifully into my medical melodrama! Grab your coffee and let’s get back to where we were: inside my tomb – oops, I mean inside the tube! Remember our WOW as I relive my greatest phobia, and put your fear or phobia in place of mine so that you will know that you know that He cares about everything that concerns you and desires to strengthen you to do all things in and through Him!

I don’t think I could have squeezed my eyes shut any tighter. My left hand was clenched in a fist, triggered unclenched and clenched by the noise that sounded like shots being fired all around me. Finally I heard his voice. “Okay, deep breath in . . . and hold it!”

I concentrated on holding my breath, and holding, and holding. Finally he gave me permission to let it out. Seconds passed; the sound of guns my only voice, and then the tech spoke again. “Okay, take a deep breath in . . . and hold it!”

I did as I was told, and this time, when he told me to let it out, I started to panic a little bit, dwelling inside that ever-so-small space, in the tube and in my head. And then, almost as if His hand literally reached in and redirected my thoughts, He took me to the needs of others, and I left the small confined place I was in for moments at a time, talking with Him about those needs, praying for those He brought to mind. It was truly an out-of-body experience, and as long as I stayed with Him, the peace that filled that tube was beyond my comprehension!

And in the background, I was being asked to take a deep breath, and hold it in. I think it was like the sixth or seventh one that my mind wandered back to my confined situation and I was in the midst of holding yet another breath, only this one went on for twice as long as the others. I began to panic when I realized it was taking much longer, and this time I allowed my mind to cry out for help and it was during this first really long, and what felt like impossible, breath that the worship song “I can’t but He can” came rushing into the tube to comfort me. It wasn’t as loud as the gunshots being fired, but it over-sang that noise, and peace comforted me once again. Finally, the tech said, “Okay, let it out.”

I nearly blew myself right out of there. :)

And right away, I was being asked to take a deep breath in . . . and hold it. This cycle went on for what seemed like forever. I went back and forth between panic and praise, panic and prayer, panic and a memory of a praiseworthy moment, such as my wedding. Ah, those were where I lingered longest: the trip out to sea, the waiting to come up the stairs and walk down the little aisle toward him. And then, the moments afterwards, standing together at the bow of the boat, his arms locked around me as we looked out into the water, marveling at the moon casting a light on the now shimmering water, lost in love. And then the sound of shots firing would bring me back.

It was the longest, loudest and most concentrated battle in the battlefield of my mind to avoid the despair of staying in the pit of panic. As long as I stay focused in a different place, the background music no longer sounded like gunshots firing, but the worship song "I can’t but He can" filled my heart and spilled over into my mind and out into the confined space of the tube.

I remember about the fourteenth time of this endless exercise coming to the ledge of panic and thinking surely this is almost over, but it wasn’t until seven breaths later that the tech’s voice echoed through the tube, “You’re doing great,” with no word of the end in sight, that is until seven breaths later I heard the glorious words, “You’re almost done. You’re doing great.”

I let my body relax just a little, thanking God for being with me, for getting me through this, thinking the end of this tunnel was just around the corner. I mentally stepped back from the ledge of panic. When another long -- and I do mean long -- breath was being held, and I nearly exploded, the ledge came up to greet me, and this time, I could feel tears in my eyes, failure swirling all around me, threatening to suck me in.

He filled me with determination and I pulled my thumb away from the panic button. There was no way I was going to let the enemy win and push that darned thing only to be pulled out and have to start the whole getting-back-in process over!

After the near jump into the pool of panic, these words pushed me back: “Okay, we have just seven more to go and you’ll be all done.”

"Father, I don’t know if I have seven more breaths in me.”

“You can’t but I can” echoed back, giving me the strength I needed to complete the test, finish the race.

Join me tomorrow for the results.

Exhausted but rejoicing,

Evinda