Tuesday’s Trench Lessons 4 Life

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy Tuesday, my friends. Grab your favorite beverage, and possibly something to nibble on while you join me today. As my sweet friend Kim-Evinda says, I am going to try to be transparent today.

My mom wanted me to watch a movie with her called The Holiday. There is a story line where a woman from England is on vacation in LA to get away from a man she is “in love with,” that got engaged to another woman. You with me so far? Well, this woman meets an old movie writer on the street. He tells her that in the movies, their encounter would be called a meet cute. Actually, he explains that since they aren't romantically involved, it “isn't so cute.” He compares a lot of actual life to stage directions and scenarios in the movies. Later in the movie, when she is telling the writer about this man that she is in love with (who has just been taking advantage of her throughout their whole “relationship”), he tells her this:  “In the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.” She then replies: “You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!”

When I first heard that line, I immediately thought of my life; who wouldn't, right? I thought about the times when I have allowed others to make me feel small and insignificant. I thought about my first marriage, when my husband cheated on me, made me feel like I was inadequate sexually, and then told me the divorce was my fault because I couldn't communicate properly. I allowed this man to just run me down! I acted like the best friend in this situation. Next, I thought of my second significant relationship. The father of my third child was someone whom I had barely known, but who I quickly fell in love with, or so I thought. After I was pregnant with our son, I discovered he was married!!!! I realize that there was a lot of naiveté on my part in that situation. Nevertheless, this older man proceeded not only to run me down, but to pulverize me! I remember feeling like just a scrap of a person. Total best friend behavior!

Then, I recalled the early part of my second marriage. My husband had cheated on me, but I recall that I didn't really allow myself to react; after all, this is how all relationships went, right? I certainly didn't feel good about myself, and I definitely did not feel like the leading lady! Through lots of prayer and healing, my husband and I got passed the infidelity, and grew to be a strong family. I feel as though my husband has been the leading man in his life, and helped me to act like His leading lady because of HIS (Christ’s) love for me! You heard me right; yes, I said his leading lady. I have married this man, and we are sealed for all time and eternity, so I have no problem saying I belong to him, and he belongs to me. That was a foreign concept coming from a single parent home, but I have embraced it!

Now, there is a whole other side to the spectrum, my friends! It is bad to have best friend behavior when you should be the leading lady, but what about leading lady behavior when you should be the best friend? I tend to be just a tad bit on the controlling side *cough, cough. I like things how I like them, and I prefer to be in the lead. This is not always the most popular attributes to have 24/7. Sometimes I need to let others lead. Sometimes, I need to accept that I cannot have it my way. I always need to accept that it is not always going to be like I envisioned. I need to allow myself to take the back seat, or at least the passenger seat (baby steps!) We read in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future with hope .”  The Lord has planned greatness and blessings for us. The only people that can get in the way of that are ourselves! I struggle daily with giving my life to the Lord, but it is something I strive for. May we all work at turning over our wheels this week and learn when to be that best friend and when to be the leading lady in the movie of our lives!

God Bless you all

Lea

Wednesday’s Word from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and to our Wednesday’s Word. Grab your coffee and come on in.

Humility longs to be my companion, showing up in all that I am learning on the road to recovery from co-dependency. I realize that the more I learn, the less I know. This realization is what works humility into the canvass of my life, into my DNA.

I am experiencing this truth: He uses marriage as one of His biggest tools to take out what needs to go; and He uses it as one of the primary effervescent colors to add in what it takes to paint me more Christ-like. Sometimes the cutting and painting process has been so excruciating and overwhelming, wrought with emotional pain too difficult to describe with words. But then, oh, what a feeling: Indescribably freeing!

One of the most deceptive and quiet ways of co-dependency is focusing on others faults and shortcomings, especially our spouse’s. What I am learning through Steve and our time on Blog Talk Radio is priceless. Both are working like a small but powerful flashlight, exposing the deepest of my co-dependent tendencies, and now that this truth has become unveiled to me, exposed to my mind and illuminated in my heart, it must change; I must change. What a process!

That is where this power thought comes from and if it does for you even a fraction of what it’s done for me, you will experience the joy that comes after the change.

Respect Jesus style is letting someone be who they are!

Oh, to let others be who they are and love them right where they are!

Evinda

Wednesday’s Word from Coffee Hour @Chicklit Power

Welcome to our Wednesday’s Word, our midweek series. Grab your coffee and come on in for a quick break.

This power thought definitely stems from my process of breaking free from the viral infection of codependency, which has been like a tree with countless branches. Have you ever seen a tree so large that when you looked up into it, you couldn’t see the sky for all its branches? Well, that’s kind of like what breaking free from this infection that destroys relationships is like.

I’ve been working steadily at it since November of last year, and our Blog Talk Radio show that we do every Monday at 1:00 Pacific time is keeping me accountable in the process.

I am thrilled about the freedom I am experiencing as I stay in the process, treating one symptom at a time and eventually chopping a branch down, and then another and another. Intermittently I can see and the sky is beautiful and so are the stars. I get glimpses through breakthroughs, but they wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t stay in the moments.

We can only experience breakthroughs if we are actively staying in the moments!

May you experience many moments that bring powerful life-changing breakthroughs.

Evinda

Power Friday @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to our Power Friday at Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in.

When I think about my own recovery from co-dependency, more times than I care to admit, I groan within, wondering if I will ever get it right, ever be free from it. But then He does something in His own sovereign way: splashes me with perspective as I read His Word, or maybe He will use another one of His own to send me a message of encouragement or sometimes, He just gives me a one-liner that catches my attention. That one-liner will run around in my head for a few, travel down to my mouth where I will chew on it a bit, and by the time it reaches my heart to go on down to be digested, I am encouraged and reminded that He who began a new work will be faithful to complete it until the time of Christ Jesus.

See even when I am filled with doubt, He’s still got the brush in His hand, painting on the canvass of my life but I get this picture that He has to splash a different color on what He’s painting to represent that present doubt, but then suddenly mid-stroke, He swooshes and revives my faith and the color changes. It has to because just as the light sends the dark scurrying off, active faith chases doubt away.

Yes, as long as I am showing up, He will continue the painting of my life, one brushstroke at a time, adding more of the color of faith than doubt because as long as I am alive, I will continue to seek Him for true recovery to break free from the chains of do-dependency until I am co-dependent no more – except on Him.

Breaking free,

Evinda

Power Friday!

Thanks for joining me for a little coffee break and another Power Friday at Chicklit Power! Grab your coffee and come on in.

Incidentally we will have our monthly WOW for February on Monday! Where in the heck did January go?

I am still overwhelmed, and sometimes discouraged, at how much of this viral infection of codependency still resides in me! It’s His love and grace that keeps me going, and then knowing there is you to share the lessons with also acts like a heart on your foot at my behind to keep me walking towards freedom from this disease!

Last week, my infection spread on Facebook. Talk about viral! Ugh! So a friend of mine posted a comment about a reminder that very few people are trustworthy, and as soon as I saw that, a few faces came to mind and without thinking, pausing, praying, I put “Can I get an AMEN!” The next morning, I received a few notifications regarding this post and apparently, there was a little Facebook bonfire happening around that post! I had no idea that it had turned into a bit of a combative commentary. There staring me bold in the face was a comment that I KNEW was directed to me from someone who obviously not only took issue with what I said but has issues with me as well.

Conviction began to dance in my mind and did the two-step down to my heart! That’s where this power thought comes from:

You’ve got to own it before you disown it.

I knew that the attitude that I posted that comment “Can I get an Amen?” was not Christ-like so I owned it, asked for forgiveness from Abba and then did a private message to the person I had offended. I didn’t make excuses for my behavior; I just owned it so I could disown it! I think this power thought could actually be a series!

See before we can change our behavior, we have to own it, come to recognize it so the next time we have a better chance to change it.

Make it a great weekend

Evinda

Power Friday at Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me for our Power Friday at Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in.

This week’s power thought comes from a real-life situation and as my husband and I listened to the details, I think both our hearts squeezed with sorrow. At first we were hopeful hearing that our friend had received a confession and thereby some sort of validation. I held my breath as our friend relayed the details of what had transpired leading up to the confession and then what happened after. It’s what happened right after the so-called confession that hope went out the window. It became very apparent that the reason for the confession was really for the sake of the one confessing. This is definitely another co-dependent trait, symptom, whatever you want to call it!

Don’t get me wrong; none of us have a camera into this person’s heart, but the person receiving this confession didn’t feel the relief and hope that often a confession can bring.

It really made me stop and think: Why do we confess when we do? Is it because we are genuinely sorry for the wrong/hurt it caused, or because we need to get it off our shoulders so we can feel better? That’s where this power thought comes from.

“A confession coming from Godly sorrow has the power to heal both the offended and the offender, but a self-seeking confession doubles the wound.”

Thoughtfully,

Evinda

Power Friday From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to our first Power Thought Friday for 2013! Thanks so much for taking the time to stop what you’re doing for a few minutes and have coffee with me. I hope you enjoy the power thought today and feel free to take it with you! Grab your coffee and come on in.

This is a new year but we are going to be sticking with power thoughts that help us break free from co-dependency, at least for a few more weeks. Co-dependency is such a viral infection infecting everyone we come in contact with and communicate with; therefore it is so very important that we recognize these symptoms and steer clear of them and/or break free from them.

Co-dependency is a silent addiction that screams the loudest in our actions!

And just like any addiction, the first step in recovery is admitting there’s a problem.
Join Steve and me on Monday for our Blog Talk Radio show, Destination? Joyful! ™ for our continuing conversation on this very subject.

Breaking free,

Evinda

Power Friday-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me for Power Friday! Grab your coffee and come on in.

I was refreshing my memory with some things about co-dependency in my Co-dependency for Dummies book and I saw something that has answered a question I’ve kept in my heart since we started our Blog Talk Radio series on this very viral infection that is running rampant in our society.

The question that lay buried was about the very definition of co-dependency and how it relates to my/our relationship with Christ. My question or thought has been, Can’t I just transfer my co-dependent tendencies to Christ and if so, then it’s okay to be co-dependent on Him, right?

Finally, I have my answer so today’s power thought will hopefully give you some new insight as well. I found my answer in the definition for this viral infection which states: “Co-dependents are by definition ‘dependent’ on something or someone outside of themselves”!

Bingo; there’s the answer in that one little word, outside! See, when we accept Christ as our Savior, He comes into our heart and begins our breaking free process so therefore, He is not someone or something outside of ourselves; however, emotionally and spiritually speaking, it’s absolutely necessary to be dependent on Him for our well-being!

Hope that was clearer than mud!

Have an awesome weekend. It’s the last one of the year!

Evinda

Power Friday From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me today for Power Friday at Chicklit Power. Can you believe it; it’s almost Christmas and within days, another year will be gone, the memories of it remaining in my heart! Whew, grab your coffee and come on in.

Today’s power thought is still in the same vein of breaking free from co-dependency and I pray it resonates in your mind and travels down into your soul to root and thereafter blossom in your life as it is beginning to in mine!

A true sign of breaking free from co-dependency is when we no longer use someone else’s perceived mistake as a permission slip to repay, get even or teach them a lesson!

Have an emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy weekend!

Evinda

Power Friday From Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me for Power Friday @ Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in.

I was listening to a song called Undone by Mercy Me the other day and the words drew me in so deeply, I had to press replay twice! It starts out: “No apologies for whom I meant to be. The only thing that matters is I am meant to be free. When I am overwhelmed, holding pieces of my heart, when I feel my world start to fall apart, to the Cross I run, holding high my chains undone. Now I am finally free, free to be what I’ve become, undone!”

See, I’m realizing that the more undone from co-dependency I become, the more the walls of conflict seem to rise before me, and one by one, I must take the Father’s hand and allow Him to lead me to them and either through them or up and over them. In the meantime, the chaos that freedom seems to be causing can be incredibly overwhelming, threatening to take my peace but I must press on, ultimately co-dependent with no one but my Heavenly Father, the one who has freed me from the tangled traps that the ropes of co-dependency tie.

Join me in celebrating becoming “Undone.”

Free to be what I’ve become,

Evinda

Power Friday-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks for stopping by for Power Friday, especially on Black Friday! Hey, I saw something the other day about a country artist trying to make this Pink Friday! Hmm. Grab your coffee and come on in for a few. I won’t keep you long. I know you may want to go out there and join that crazy frenzy of Black Friday shopping.

So just a bit of an accountability session here regarding last Friday’s power thought, “Don’t turn your back; turn the other cheek”: I am learning to do this much better with my husband; however, I still need the prescription of practice, practice, practice when it comes to others in my life. Oh the desire of my heart is to be assertive and not aggressive with all whom I interact with!

Now for today’s power thought which is helpful with becoming assertive versus aggressive in all relationships and has to do with the definition for boundary integrity, which is: keeping the same boundaries no matter whom I am dealing with or whom I am with!

I hope this thought permeates in your mind and dissipates in your heart as you interact with others today, tomorrow and the tomorrow after that.

Assertively

Evinda

P.S. Happy, happy birthday to my son, Jeff. I thank God for the gift of you, how your testimony has strengthened me, my faith and my desire for our Father. I pray that this year will be a year of consistent forwards and new beginnings that inspire you, strengthen you and encourage you as you continue to become all that He’s called you to be. I love you, Son

Power Friday From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me today for another Power Friday, and another power thought. Grab your coffee and come on in.

This power thought actually came like a whisper of grace after a storm of anger. I don’t even remember now what I was so mad at my husband about, and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the thought that materialized from this fit that I avoided falling into and I have to admit, it was like HE whispered this to me the morning after:

Don’t turn your back; turn the other cheek!

Now that’s assertive and in no way aggressive!

Have a great weekend,

Evinda

Power Friday at Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me for Power Friday at Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and let’s go talk a minute about the difference between aggressive and assertive.

It’s a mind-boggling thing to even think about and as I think about the two, I am able to see many, many – too many – instances even in the recent past wherein I used aggression versus assertion. But then again, I didn’t realize it and I can certainly say it wasn’t on purpose. But now that I understand the difference, wow, is this ever helping me in any and all of my relationships as well as in ministry-related communications and circumstances.

This week’s power thought, and probably a couple more after, comes from revelations given to me in real-time situations as the choice to be aggressive or assertive rises to the occasion:

Aggression is agenda-driven; assertion is information-driven

Make it a aggressive-free weekend!

Evinda

Power Friday @ Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for stopping by for our Power Friday thought at Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in.

If you’re joining us for the first time, these Power Friday thoughts are actually inspired by revelations, realizations, and life experienced as a result of our Blog Talk Radio show wherein we are talking about co-dependency, what it is and learning how to break free from this viral epidemic!

Last week I shared that co-dependency seems to be a viral infection and I need some turbo-strong antibiotics to cure me. Well, an important one to have on hand for many issues and it is P3, Practice, Practice, Practice! If at first you don’t succeed, do it again until you are free! You WILL make mistakes!,

See, I’ve got to keep practicing to erase these tendencies within me. The encouraging truth is even when I mess up His grace picks me up so I can try again. So I’ve been practicing a different way of communicating based on the principles we’ve been learning as they relate to keeping my stuff with my stuff, having an undivided heart, and this week, it’s been consciously choosing assertion over aggression.

We’ll talk more about that in next week’s Power Friday! Have an awesome weekend.

Assertively,

Evinda

Power Friday @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Power Friday @ Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in for just a few minutes.

Since starting our co-dependency segment on Blog Talk Radio, I have to admit that there have been many days that I’ve been more discouraged than encouraged. The reason why is I had no idea I was so infected with so many of these tendencies. I’m getting good and mad at this stinking viral disease, though and that’s where this power thought comes from, from my frustration with myself:

They say co-dependency is an addiction; I say it’s a viral infection.

Will somebody please tell me where I can get the strongest antibiotics ever prescribed so I can get this junk out of my blood!

Join me next Friday for a few antibiotic prescriptions!

Breaking free,
Evinda

Power Friday @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me for Power Friday at Chicklit Power! Grab your coffee and come on in.
This power thought really goes along with last week’s power thought, which was “Oneness is not sameness!” The truth of that has taken root in my heart and therefore has set me free from some of the lies I once believed, lies that were rooted in my childhood and thereafter fed by society’s deceptions about sameness in marriage. These lies about sameness can really tend to feed a co-dependent the wrong food, food to grow stronger in co-dependency tendencies versus food to break them. So, here is another truth which piggy-backs last week’s Power Thought:

You can’t get to ONE without TWO!

I pray this profound mind-boggling concept will root in your heart and transform you first so it can transform your relationships.
Love and Joy,
Evinda