Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

It’s a great day! At least I hope it is for you. You just made mine better by stopping by to have Coffee Hour with me! Grab your coffee, and your red Strand of Faith and let’s get back to this gift/sacrifice of communication and where I left off, which was without a planned talk, no notes, no nada, just an idea still trying to form as I made my way up front to talk to ladies who appeared eager to hear what I had to say! Talk about conflicted emotions!
What happened next was nothing short of an out-of-body experience as I began to share transparently about relationships, our biggest gift, and sometimes our biggest thorn. Somehow the subject wound its way right to conflict as a character developer and before you know it, I was inviting these moms to share some recent conflicts, giving them the four ways to work through any conflict. Sheesh, as I’m sitting here writing from my heart to yours, I can’t remember the order of them! :)
Okay; so we have talked about one: make a deposit before you make a withdrawal, and be sure not to join the deposit and withdrawal with a “but”! But actually the first step to allowing conflict to develop character is to check your motive, aka, your integrity. Are you exposing the conflict to work through it or to rub their noses in their “bad” ways? Is your motive to help them or hurt them? When you have done a heart-check and can proceed forward, then you begin by making that deposit before making a withdrawal.
Another great conflict character builder, one that is completely and utterly non-negotiable is integrity; use integrity! Recently I had conversations with a husband who was completely outraged by something his wife did and he wanted the world to know it. As I assimilated all the pieces of the puzzle he gave me, as well as the ones he didn’t, I had to ask him: Why is it you want these people told about this? Is it for restoration? Is it with the hope to reconcile? Or are you trying to hurt her because she hurt you? Of course, he didn’t have an answer! Many times we want to go to the person who hurt/offended us and prove our case; rub their noses in it, per say, or simply be understood. These are all conflict enhancers, not conflict erasers!
So step number two to resolving conflict while developing Christ-like character is to ask: What is my motive for trying to resolve the conflict? If you have a divided heart of any size, then you must wait until there is no division and love is the motive, restoration.
Step number three to allowing conflict to build your character is to get your facts straight. Well, since it is virtually impossible to know the other person’s heart, the only facts you can really bank on are those that involve you, your feelings, the way their actions made you feel. See, things are never as they seem, and we may think we have all the pieces to the puzzle of the conflict, but we more than likely do not. And even if we do, we don’t compound a wrong with a wrong. How we approach a wrong could make the whole thing right! Remember, there are always two sides of the story! Proverbs 18:13 tells us that he/she who answers a matter -- in other words, tries to solve a conflict -- before he hears it – which means to get both sides – it is folly to him/her!
Oh, how many times have I given a what-for and a how-could-you only to have a huge piece of humble pie smashed in my face!
And finally, speak words that lift up, not tear down; in other words validate so you can negotiate … through the painful, muddy waters of conflict. Jesus never condemned the sinner … only the sin!


Oh, and by the way, that situation that I got notified of before speaking, well, all four of these steps were brought to life and not only was my character developed, a bit stretched, but my heart was actually filled up with love for the one involved! These steps really work in resolving conflict while developing character!
Well, that’s a wrap on our character-building through conflict segment of this Sacrifice of Communication … a subject we could probably spend hours on, but we should wrap it up next week with some Good News about the Helper who was sent to help us with healthy communication.
Thanking Him for you,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy day to you and thanks so much for stopping by for what apparently is my longest series ever … The Seven Sacrifices to Joy. We are still on the Sacrifice of Communication, and we probably will be for a few more Coffee Hours, but hey, what’s the rush, right? We have so much to learn in this area of communication! Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith, and let’s get to it.
You know, I often wonder why I get so much practice in this conflict-resolving character-building gift of communication! Why do I have to have so much stock in Spandex … in the department of communication? Can I get an Amen … from anyone?
Oh, that’s right; I was going to tell you about something that happened to me that’s never, ever happened to me before and as it turns out, it was all about conflict!
Last week I was invited to the Loma Linda Seventh Day Adventist MOPS group to speak. It was my second invitation back and I was looking forward to seeing some familiar faces, especially my friend who had set it all up who happens to be on my LIT (Leaders in Training) group for the ministry.
I had spent a couple of hours preparing what I thought He wanted me to speak about, “Our brokenness from His Perspective,” and printed it all out, got my car all packed with my books, and my notes, and was about to head out the door when I got a phone call from someone who is like a mentor to me, someone that I respect very much. While I was surprised to hear from this person, I was in no way prepared for what was shared with me. The news rocked my emotional balance and the tears began to fall after I hung up. And while it served as confirmation and an answer to a decision I had been praying over, I was livid and saddened all at the same time!
I knew who I needed to call especially considering what this involved so I made the call as soon as I got in my car. We talked all the way to Loma Linda – rather I vented; she listened, offered some sound advice, and then prayed for/with me after I assured her I wouldn’t close my eyes since I was driving! What a mess that would have been!
Anyway, by the time I made it to the church, I was definitely calmer, and I tucked the unexpected news away for later. After all, it wasn’t going to go anywhere until I dealt with it and I was there that day for who knows who, but I knew I had to not let what I had just learned interfere with my assignment for that morning.
We set up my book table and I got myself situated, and then went around to offer a “hello” to a few of the familiar faces, and Jenn introduced me to the ones that weren’t familiar. As the meeting got started, and the leader introduced the ice breaker, I felt this sort of ice breaker go down my spine as I heard Him tell me “You won’t be talking about what you prepared!”
I looked around me almost hoping to see someone smiling at me and ready to say, “Just kidding.” But that didn’t happen. As the leader finished her instructions for the ice breaker, He confirmed once again that I would not be talking about what I had prepared.
That ice breaker feeling turned into a hot flash that slowly dripped down my back, drip, drop, drip, drop and I sat up nice and straight hoping it would just drop! I listened to each lady participate in the ice breaker, which was to share what she felt was her love language – aka, the way we receive love -- and if she was married, the love language of her spouse. When it came my turn, I shared my love language, and I shared a funny story about how I learned my husband’s.
I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking okay; I’m supposed to talk about relationships. I can do this! He echoed, “We can do this.” I began to relax, just a little, trying to steer my mind away from when they would call me up there and I would have to go … WITHOUT MY NOTES!
Before I knew it, Jenn was getting up to introduce me and my insides began to feel like someone was in there twisting and turning them as if they were made of Gumby-like material while giant-sized moths were flying all around the twisted mess. A familiar voice, though not a constant familiar, let me know that what I was going to be talking about would prepare me for the conflict that was waiting for me when I was finished there that day; that the person that really needed to hear what I was about to say was ME!
Join me tomorrow for more of this story all about a sacrifice of communication!

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Welcome to Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power … and me! I’m so delighted you could make the time to take the time to stop by for more of this series. Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith and let’s go tie some knots in our strand of faith about communication and learn how to handle conflict instead of run from it!
Let’s face it; whenever we hear the word conflict, most of us run for cover … or just ignore it, or even make it worse by adding to it. What if I told you that God desires to use conflict as a character builder? Seriously! There are so many scriptures to back this up, directives to tell us how, and many promises that confirm the reward! All we need to do is to consciously choose to practice a few practical steps when faced with a conflict. You know what would happen? We would be changed! The conflict may still remain, but its power over us lessens its negative effect in us and over us, no longer able to suck the joy out of us, let alone precious life. Practicing these steps will build our Christ-like character. Let’s talk about as many as we can today.
My favorite one is incredibly effective, and it’s the one I try the most: make a deposit before you make a withdrawal! In other words, find something good to affirm before proceeding to the core of the conflict. And for heaven’s sake, don’t make that deposit and then erase it with a “but”!
Granted, it’s much easier to resolve conflict with like-minded people than with someone who just insists on being unlovable; however, that unlovable only became unlovable when they began to feel unloved!
See, Ephesians 4:26 says that God knows we’re going to get angry; it’s what we do in our anger that separates us from this world! Making a deposit before making a withdrawal is seasoning the speech with salt as Colossians 4:6 tells us to do. Now, what does this look like? Well, I think the most generic one could go something like this: “I really value you as a ____________ (you fill in the blank: friend/husband/sibling) and I need to share something with you that sort of stepped on my emotional foot. I know you didn’t do it on purpose; I just wanted to bring it to your attention and let you know why it hurt because if I don’t, it will happen again and I don’t want anything to interfere with my relationship with you.”
See, that’s not too hard, is it? Now, here’s the deal, though: You won’t be able to control their response or how they receive it, but you can pray before you make that deposit and before you take that withdrawal!
The other day, a friend was sharing a story on Facebook of how he just got sick and tired of being given the runaround and being talked to in such a way that even a dog would cringe. Well, it pushed his button and he let them have it, and while he may have felt momentarily better after the explosion, he was completely exasperated and exhausted after the dust settled! See, that’s not how we’re supposed to feel in and through a conflict. There can be victory when we draw that line. He had a right to draw his line, as many of us feel we do when we reach that point. The difference is: how we draw our boundary line in times of conflict should give us a sense of victory, wrapped up with peace, not an exasperated exhaustion.
Well, practice makes perfect, and while I don’t wish you any conflict today, I do pray that you will be able to put into practice this first conflict solver in the gift/sacrifice of communication!
Join me tomorrow for an experience that has never happened to me before, but I lived through it to tell it, so I’m going to!
Love,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thank you for sharing this Coffee Hour with me as I write from my heart to yours about this subject of communication that literally thousands of books have been written about! Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith and let’s go tie the final knots in this relevant subject.
Proverbs 15:2 says that the tongue of the wise uses knowledge, in other words, we step back emotionally and mentally before jumping forward with a reaction. This is the difference between responding vs. reacting. In fact, we are supposed to take this time to step back and sort of season our talk with some salt … salt ads flavor, the flavor of kindness, gentleness, peace, patience … and self-control! The ESV of the Bible translates Colossians 4:6 this way: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
Well, this tells us that each person, each situation, each disagreement needs a different response, but no matter what the response, we’ve got to step back before we jump forward. See this is the biggest challenge when someone has challenged us, right? How can we pour salt on our words so as to not inflict wounds or add to an already-existing wound? The first and only thing that comes to mind is to do a heart check! I remember an angry husband coming to me one time, sharing all kinds of ugly stuff about his wife. He demanded that I talk with the Pastor of our church and the Associate Pastor, and fill them both in on all her dirty laundry. He demanded a whole host of other things, but … anyway, after reading through his email twice, and some time in prayer, I responded with a question: What’s your motive? If your motive is for restoration, to help in the healing process, that’s great; but if your motive is to bring her harm, to hurt her because she’s hurt you, then you will have to take that up with God because I cannot participate in that. So check your heart, your motive.”
He didn’t respond!
In times of conflict, sometimes we must say nothing at all but let our actions speak for us. In 1^st Peter 3:1, Peter tells us that many can be won over not by our words but by our conduct. This isn’t for just the spouse married to an unbeliever, although it’s a great piece of wisdom for those in that situation. There’s no point in climbing the mountain of change, getting to the top or peak of a change and shouting, “I’ve changed; can’t you see I’ve changed?” We must allow our lives to be the voice.
Can you think of someone who has influenced you with their lives, not just their words? Paul is gifted in this area of communication and points out this truth: how would we even have faith without the knowledge imparted through good communication? We take that leap of faith because someone communicates to us in a way that grabs at our heart and squeezes it and causes us to recognize the necessity of the reality of Christ. Do you see what I mean?
Have you ever been listening to a message from a pastor, or someone on the radio, or even someone face to face and wondered, how in the world did they get such a clear picture of my dirty laundry? Do they have a camera or X-ray vision that goes straight to my mind and down to my heart?
So who or what communicated to you your need for a Savior?
That’s almost a wrap on this sacrifice! Next week, we will cover the final part in this sacrifice of communication, because without it, we would most certainly continuously fail in this area of communication and in this sacrificial journey!
Love,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks so much for joining me for Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and more of this third sacrifice in the Seven Sacrifices to Joy! Communication is what makes or breaks a bridge! Grab your coffee and your strand of faith and let’s go tie some more knots in our ongoing conversation about communication!
How is it that we can hold our tongues, be slower to speech, step back before we jump forward with our words? There is a truth that I know has been very helpful to me in this constant trial of speaking words that build up instead of tear down: Out of the abundance of the heart, a man/woman speaks! (Luke 6:45b) See, what is in our heart will come out of our mouths.
Oh, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that something has escaped from my mouth like a robber quickly taking off with his sought-after loot only to be hit in the face with a picture of my heart!
Then I am left with the gentle conviction as my words are left exposed, as if engraved in the sand after the tide rolls away. They are there for me to stare at, their tone not hidden in the grains of sand, rather echoing back over the sound of the wave, convicting me, moving me to seek forgiveness from Him first, and then go to the one who is still stunned by the stink that my words have left in their being.
I know there is no condemnation for I am His, and yet I struggle with this question, and maybe you do too: Why does this seem to be an ongoing struggle? I mean when I started blogging four and a half years ago, one of my first blogs I wrote was about mouthing off to my husband! Does this mean I haven’t grown in this area? Ugh! Can you hear me groan?
The answer I keep hearing is: keep the heart clean. See, the heart is like the closet of the house; everything gets stored in there, but little gets cleaned out of there! If there is even a tiny bit of dust in the heart with somebody’s name on it, then out of the mouth will come that dirt. The cleaner the heart, the cleaner our words!
Whenever there is a tiny hint of resentment, any little piece of unresolved conflict, it will be the aroma that comes out with any form of communication creating more tension, and a wall inhibiting integrity. When someone steps on our emotional toe, why is it that we can’t say ouch out loud …without trying to hurt the one who hurt us? When will we realize that a hurt + a hurt = a double-hurt? Oh, don’t we need this consistent reminder? I know I do! The good news: there is forgiveness and with a truly repentant heart comes change, and grace, like a wave coming back in to wash the shadow of the pain caused by the hurtful words until we can feel the sting no more.
But how about those who don’t know how to say ouch, so they keep it in for fear of how the other will take it? In other words, they anticipate the response, assume how they will respond and so the hammer comes down again, sealing in bitterness and resentment.
Again, I hear the clean heart analogy. If we say “ouch” with a motive to hurt and tear down, or to repay evil for evil, more likely than not, the fire will grow higher and higher and the wound deeper, but if our motive is to restore, repair, then the rest is up to the other person, whom you cannot control! We must not hold back an apology based on what we think they might say, or even because we feel they wronged us first. Remember, when we get there, He’s going to talk to us about how we responded to the step on the emotional foot. Others’ hurtful behavior isn’t a free pass to misbehave.
See, God knew we’d have conflict; that’s why He spoke through Paul in Romans 12:18, for as much as is possible with you, live peaceably with others. You do your part; He’ll take care of them. Go ahead and put your name in that verse: for as much as is possible with _________, live peaceably with __________. Who do you need help communicating with today? Claim this verse over U for without the U, there is no “Us”!
Oh, that I would be so slow to speak, that my words would lift up and not tear down …
Until tomorrow,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks for taking the time to make the time to have Coffee Hour with me! Today we are returning to the Seven Sacrifices to Joy, and we are still on the third sacrifice of communication. Oh, what a gift … and a curse communication can be! Grab your coffee and your SOF (Strand of Faith) and let’s go tie some knots in our faith.
There are only 14 references to communicate/communication in the Bible, and its major translation means fellowship, but in many of those references unity is mentioned and so is conflict. I could feel you bristle as you read that word “conflict,” but we’ll talk about that in a minute. :) Unity is as a result of good and effective communication while conflict is as a result of not-so-good communication. Could this be why we are instructed in James 1:19 to be slow to speak? And look at all the instructions in Proverbs about holding our tongues, watching our words, etcetera. Did you get any sort of visual for either of those? Because I did and it was pretty funny!
For James 1:19 I get this visual of an extremely fast-paced runner of life being held back ever so firmly to do everything in slooooooooooow motion! Oh, what a great reminder, especially when it comes to handling conflict, or confronting someone when their words are speaking differently than their actions. See, for the sake of the greater good, in an effort to not kick the bird out of the nest, so to speak, we must be contemplative in our approach, not as though we are sneaking up on them and trying to scare them so they fall out of the nest, or the church, but gentle and thoughtful and in love expose what has been revealed that they may be restored to abiding in the Bride of Christ.
How about the visual of holding your tongue? Go ahead, grab your tongue and look at yourself! Sorry, but that’s worth a giggle or two and definitely brought back a memory or two, which I’ll share in a moment.
Proverbs 12:18 says that reckless words pierce like a sword! Ouch! I know that that thing in me called a tongue has caused more damage than any other weapon known to man! Oh, how many times have I wished that I would have held my tongue before letting some incredibly ugly words come out of my mouth! Have you ever regretted something you said almost as soon as you said it? Isn’t the feeling horrible, like a lead anchor in your heart pushing you down!
I can remember the aftermath of an argument with my second husband – third time’s a charm! We were sitting on the floor, calmly talking through an argument and discovering exactly where it had derailed into an all-out ugly fire! I was really listening to him … that didn’t happen often; trust me, and all of a sudden he said, “Give me your tongue.”
I looked at him, dumbfounded, shook my head to see if anything rattled differently and would echo a different statement and all I could say was, “What?”
He repeated himself.
I stuck my tongue out and he gently grabbed it between his thumb and index finger and the words he said etched in my heart and have remained there: “Of all the hurtful things you do, this hurts the worst.”
All I could do was burst into tears. He wasn’t trying to shame me; he was simply letting me know that every time I opened my mouth to hurl swords of insult, words that cut him down, that hurt more than anything else I had done.
Can you think of a time when words seared painfully into someone’s soul?
Yes, conflict can be a character builder, building up both the offended and the offender … but only if we are slow to communicate, step back before we jump forward.
Join me tomorrow for more on this huge subject of communication.

Evinda

Power Friday From Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me for Power Friday @ Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in.

I was listening to a song called Undone by Mercy Me the other day and the words drew me in so deeply, I had to press replay twice! It starts out: “No apologies for whom I meant to be. The only thing that matters is I am meant to be free. When I am overwhelmed, holding pieces of my heart, when I feel my world start to fall apart, to the Cross I run, holding high my chains undone. Now I am finally free, free to be what I’ve become, undone!”

See, I’m realizing that the more undone from co-dependency I become, the more the walls of conflict seem to rise before me, and one by one, I must take the Father’s hand and allow Him to lead me to them and either through them or up and over them. In the meantime, the chaos that freedom seems to be causing can be incredibly overwhelming, threatening to take my peace but I must press on, ultimately co-dependent with no one but my Heavenly Father, the one who has freed me from the tangled traps that the ropes of co-dependency tie.

Join me in celebrating becoming “Undone.”

Free to be what I’ve become,

Evinda