Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

It’s a great day to spend more time in this thought-provoking series, The Seven Sacrifices to Joy! I still am humbly amazed, twitter-pated about how much trouble He went through to teach us about joy! Grab your coffee and let’s get back to where we left off in our last Coffee Hour!

As I concluded our coffee hour yesterday, I kept hearing a question echo in my head, and it settled in my heart, not allowing me to move on until I could answer it, and I can’t help but wonder if you’ve ever asked this or wondered this: So why do we need to go to church to experience that fellowship/communication if we have His Spirit/Helper within us?

I think the first place I go when that question is asked is to another question: why do we not want to have that fellowship with others? Iron sharpens iron … [Proverbs 27:17] oh, but for some of you that answer still does not fill the void that question creates, so let me stick with the original question: Fellowship with other believers stirs up that Holy Spirit within us. I was going to say but we need to be in fellowship with Him first, but as I thought about it, I had to confess, that it was through communication/fellowship with a couple of other people who represented Christ incredibly well, namely my therapist at the time and my adopted mom, that I actually felt I could have that fellowship with our Abba Father! Does that make any sense to you at all? Oh, how He uses all things and others!

In our Transform I class, we have a couple transformers who still question the whole God thing, the reality of Him, and it is so exciting, like incomprehensibly exciting to watch as a light goes on when they are sharing and they realize that God’s Spirit did something for them, directly related to them so it lands inside them!

How many of us have asked as well as heard someone else ask, “Why do we need to go to church to believe in God?” When we understand the true meaning of communication/fellowship, and we do our homework and research His instructions on this issue, we discover that it is His will that we fellowship/communicate within a church; that’s one of the reasons He released His Helper; to form the church!

In Hebrews 10:25 we are told let us not quit getting together as some have gotten in the habit of doing but let us keep on keeping on for the sake of encouraging one another. Now, that’s incredibly paraphrased, but that is a Holy Spirit inspired instruction!

As I researched this subject, including those who say that you don’t have to go to church to be a Christian, or to believe in God, or to grow in God, they all had a common denominator: PRIDE! Yup, there were money issues, hurt feeling issues, leadership issues, and the list goes on but what’s the air in those balloons? Pride! And what’s in the middle of pride? I, I, I, I, I!!!!!

He never meant for us to do it without the encouragement, wisdom, discernment and/or gifting of other members of the body of Christ. Yes, He is in you, but how many times do you ignore His nudge, or a conviction, or an instruction? I don’t know how you answered that, but I know I’ve got both arms and feet up in the air and I’m saying: “Teacher, teacher, my answer is ‘too many times’!” I have sought others’ counsel/guidance/fellowship in the church for many things. Why? Not because of a lack of faith, but my flesh sometimes desires to have someone in the flesh to confirm that nudge, or that instruction, that question, that issue of where do I go from here, especially when I’m completely baffled! And oh, how freeing it is when His Spirit speaks through the one you sought out in the flesh!

What about you; have you ever felt His Spirit stir within you through a member of the Body of Christ, aka, a church? We could spend so much more time on the subject/benefits of the Helper within us Who is for us, but I’m happy to say we made it to the fourth sacrifice in The Seven Sacrifices to Joy! Join me tomorrow for Faith Filled Fridays at Croley’s Corner of Chicklit Power!

In His Love,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks so much for stopping by for our Coffee Hour and more of our Seven Sacrifices to Joy series. I know we’ve been sitting in the communication sacrifice for a loooong time now, but I’m hoping to wrap it up today, and in fact, my goal is to wrap up the whole series by next week, because we have a real fun series starting at Coffee Hour when this one is done. We are going to lighten it up a bit and I can’t wait J so bear with me; grab your coffee and your Red Strand of Faith and let’s go tie some knots in the final point of Sacrifice of Communication made sweeter and better by the Spirit!

Let me share one final thought on the Helper: I was reading from my Not a Fan book by Kyle Idleman and it’s like he reached right in my brain and grabbed a couple of my thoughts as it relates to the Holy Spirit. How many of us have ever wondered what it would be like to walk with Jesus back in the day, to be one of His disciples and have eaten with Him, been taught by Him in the flesh? Have you ever wished you could be Moses on the mountain in the presence of God, or Abraham, or Joseph or Elisha? Well, I’ll be the first to raise my hand, and my other hand and my feet, too! :-) I have been known to wonder aloud those very things, and to be sort of envious of these guys. But not anymore! Oh, how I have been guilty of treating the Spirit as a second string on a football team, not really utilizing its strength or power unless I really have to!

Oh, but God pierced my heart but good through Kyle but that wouldn’t have been possible without HIS Holy Spirit! See, there’s something powerful we need to be cognizant of, at all times. Back in the Old Testament, God was with many …. And in the New Testament, Jesus walked with many, but Jesus Himself in John 16:7 said it’s going to be best that I go for I’m sending you the “Counselor” to be IN you!

Do you get it? What is more powerful; knowing something is beside you or in you?

Oh but that gives me goose bumps. Never again will I minimize the importance of the Holy Spirit or wish to be someone I’m not in a time I wasn’t to be. See His Spirit in us happens when we confess with our mouths and believe in our hearts that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. That’s when the communication/fellowship begins.

Now to just allow His Spirit in me to maximize the good and minimize the not-so-good and to walk and talk differently knowing greater is He that is IN me than he that is in the world!

Excited,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks for joining me today for our Coffee Hour! Grab your coffee and your Red SOF and let’s go tie some more knots in this delicate subject of conflict resolution in the Sacrifice of Communication!

So far we’ve been able to come up with a few diamonds in our digging through some scriptures about communication, which actually translates to fellowship. We’ve learned much from one of the most prolific communicators in the Word of God, Paul.  Come with me to discover another huge benefit of fellowship/communication and how we can best utilize it as a sacrifice in our daily walk with our Keynote Speaker.

God knew we would have difficulty in this area of communication and fellowship that brings unity, so He sent us a Helper, his Holy Spirit. He longs for us to communicate with Him; that’s without a doubt!  But He doesn’t leave us without help and that humbles me, knowing He loves us enough to not let us figure this stuff out on our own. What a loving God we have!

We are told in Romans 8:26 that when we do not know what to do or what to say, the Spirit will intercede for us! That goes for anything, anytime, anyhow, anywhere! And that’s not just for His benefit, but for ours. It’s to help us stay in fellowship with Him, first and foremost, and then when we step outside of our personal relationship with Christ, and seek that fellowship with like-minded followers of Christ, we are told in 2^nd Corinthians 13:14 that we also share together a fellowship with the Holy Spirit!

The Holy Spirit is the Super Glue for unity in the church. If we relied more on His Spirit to guide us in our interactions, there would be more unity among the diversity creating harmony that is ever so pleasing to His ears. Whew was that ever a mouthful but let’s sit here in unity for a bit!

Paul tells us in Philippians 2:1-4 that without the Helper, aka the Spirit, unity in the church would not be possible! Now, I don’t know about you, but I like that name, “Helper,” because that’s exactly what He is for us, to us and why He was sent for us, to help us! We are to lean on the Helper and not our own understanding, for all things, and this includes in the area of communication.

I don’t know about you, but I used to lean on the side of forgetfulness when someone hurt or offended me, especially when it was done by someone in the church. It used to be so disillusioning to run into conflict in a place I thought was for perfect people. Obviously I’ve learned that the church is not a place for perfect people – I couldn’t go if it was – but a hospital, if you will, for all of us to go for our sicknesses and symptoms, our deficits and diseases.

What about you; do you let your flesh speak before consulting our Helper when someone pushes your “ouch” button? It is a natural thing to do and consulting the Helper goes against the flesh. Oh, to dare to be different! I think if more of us relied on the Helper in times of conflict we would have more unity within the Bride of Christ, which would be a really good thing for the Groom is waiting and watching!

Until tomorrow …

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

It’s a great day! At least I hope it is for you. You just made mine better by stopping by to have Coffee Hour with me! Grab your coffee, and your red Strand of Faith and let’s get back to this gift/sacrifice of communication and where I left off, which was without a planned talk, no notes, no nada, just an idea still trying to form as I made my way up front to talk to ladies who appeared eager to hear what I had to say! Talk about conflicted emotions!
What happened next was nothing short of an out-of-body experience as I began to share transparently about relationships, our biggest gift, and sometimes our biggest thorn. Somehow the subject wound its way right to conflict as a character developer and before you know it, I was inviting these moms to share some recent conflicts, giving them the four ways to work through any conflict. Sheesh, as I’m sitting here writing from my heart to yours, I can’t remember the order of them! :)
Okay; so we have talked about one: make a deposit before you make a withdrawal, and be sure not to join the deposit and withdrawal with a “but”! But actually the first step to allowing conflict to develop character is to check your motive, aka, your integrity. Are you exposing the conflict to work through it or to rub their noses in their “bad” ways? Is your motive to help them or hurt them? When you have done a heart-check and can proceed forward, then you begin by making that deposit before making a withdrawal.
Another great conflict character builder, one that is completely and utterly non-negotiable is integrity; use integrity! Recently I had conversations with a husband who was completely outraged by something his wife did and he wanted the world to know it. As I assimilated all the pieces of the puzzle he gave me, as well as the ones he didn’t, I had to ask him: Why is it you want these people told about this? Is it for restoration? Is it with the hope to reconcile? Or are you trying to hurt her because she hurt you? Of course, he didn’t have an answer! Many times we want to go to the person who hurt/offended us and prove our case; rub their noses in it, per say, or simply be understood. These are all conflict enhancers, not conflict erasers!
So step number two to resolving conflict while developing Christ-like character is to ask: What is my motive for trying to resolve the conflict? If you have a divided heart of any size, then you must wait until there is no division and love is the motive, restoration.
Step number three to allowing conflict to build your character is to get your facts straight. Well, since it is virtually impossible to know the other person’s heart, the only facts you can really bank on are those that involve you, your feelings, the way their actions made you feel. See, things are never as they seem, and we may think we have all the pieces to the puzzle of the conflict, but we more than likely do not. And even if we do, we don’t compound a wrong with a wrong. How we approach a wrong could make the whole thing right! Remember, there are always two sides of the story! Proverbs 18:13 tells us that he/she who answers a matter -- in other words, tries to solve a conflict -- before he hears it – which means to get both sides – it is folly to him/her!
Oh, how many times have I given a what-for and a how-could-you only to have a huge piece of humble pie smashed in my face!
And finally, speak words that lift up, not tear down; in other words validate so you can negotiate … through the painful, muddy waters of conflict. Jesus never condemned the sinner … only the sin!


Oh, and by the way, that situation that I got notified of before speaking, well, all four of these steps were brought to life and not only was my character developed, a bit stretched, but my heart was actually filled up with love for the one involved! These steps really work in resolving conflict while developing character!
Well, that’s a wrap on our character-building through conflict segment of this Sacrifice of Communication … a subject we could probably spend hours on, but we should wrap it up next week with some Good News about the Helper who was sent to help us with healthy communication.
Thanking Him for you,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy day to you and thanks so much for stopping by for what apparently is my longest series ever … The Seven Sacrifices to Joy. We are still on the Sacrifice of Communication, and we probably will be for a few more Coffee Hours, but hey, what’s the rush, right? We have so much to learn in this area of communication! Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith, and let’s get to it.
You know, I often wonder why I get so much practice in this conflict-resolving character-building gift of communication! Why do I have to have so much stock in Spandex … in the department of communication? Can I get an Amen … from anyone?
Oh, that’s right; I was going to tell you about something that happened to me that’s never, ever happened to me before and as it turns out, it was all about conflict!
Last week I was invited to the Loma Linda Seventh Day Adventist MOPS group to speak. It was my second invitation back and I was looking forward to seeing some familiar faces, especially my friend who had set it all up who happens to be on my LIT (Leaders in Training) group for the ministry.
I had spent a couple of hours preparing what I thought He wanted me to speak about, “Our brokenness from His Perspective,” and printed it all out, got my car all packed with my books, and my notes, and was about to head out the door when I got a phone call from someone who is like a mentor to me, someone that I respect very much. While I was surprised to hear from this person, I was in no way prepared for what was shared with me. The news rocked my emotional balance and the tears began to fall after I hung up. And while it served as confirmation and an answer to a decision I had been praying over, I was livid and saddened all at the same time!
I knew who I needed to call especially considering what this involved so I made the call as soon as I got in my car. We talked all the way to Loma Linda – rather I vented; she listened, offered some sound advice, and then prayed for/with me after I assured her I wouldn’t close my eyes since I was driving! What a mess that would have been!
Anyway, by the time I made it to the church, I was definitely calmer, and I tucked the unexpected news away for later. After all, it wasn’t going to go anywhere until I dealt with it and I was there that day for who knows who, but I knew I had to not let what I had just learned interfere with my assignment for that morning.
We set up my book table and I got myself situated, and then went around to offer a “hello” to a few of the familiar faces, and Jenn introduced me to the ones that weren’t familiar. As the meeting got started, and the leader introduced the ice breaker, I felt this sort of ice breaker go down my spine as I heard Him tell me “You won’t be talking about what you prepared!”
I looked around me almost hoping to see someone smiling at me and ready to say, “Just kidding.” But that didn’t happen. As the leader finished her instructions for the ice breaker, He confirmed once again that I would not be talking about what I had prepared.
That ice breaker feeling turned into a hot flash that slowly dripped down my back, drip, drop, drip, drop and I sat up nice and straight hoping it would just drop! I listened to each lady participate in the ice breaker, which was to share what she felt was her love language – aka, the way we receive love -- and if she was married, the love language of her spouse. When it came my turn, I shared my love language, and I shared a funny story about how I learned my husband’s.
I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking okay; I’m supposed to talk about relationships. I can do this! He echoed, “We can do this.” I began to relax, just a little, trying to steer my mind away from when they would call me up there and I would have to go … WITHOUT MY NOTES!
Before I knew it, Jenn was getting up to introduce me and my insides began to feel like someone was in there twisting and turning them as if they were made of Gumby-like material while giant-sized moths were flying all around the twisted mess. A familiar voice, though not a constant familiar, let me know that what I was going to be talking about would prepare me for the conflict that was waiting for me when I was finished there that day; that the person that really needed to hear what I was about to say was ME!
Join me tomorrow for more of this story all about a sacrifice of communication!

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Welcome to Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power … and me! I’m so delighted you could make the time to take the time to stop by for more of this series. Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith and let’s go tie some knots in our strand of faith about communication and learn how to handle conflict instead of run from it!
Let’s face it; whenever we hear the word conflict, most of us run for cover … or just ignore it, or even make it worse by adding to it. What if I told you that God desires to use conflict as a character builder? Seriously! There are so many scriptures to back this up, directives to tell us how, and many promises that confirm the reward! All we need to do is to consciously choose to practice a few practical steps when faced with a conflict. You know what would happen? We would be changed! The conflict may still remain, but its power over us lessens its negative effect in us and over us, no longer able to suck the joy out of us, let alone precious life. Practicing these steps will build our Christ-like character. Let’s talk about as many as we can today.
My favorite one is incredibly effective, and it’s the one I try the most: make a deposit before you make a withdrawal! In other words, find something good to affirm before proceeding to the core of the conflict. And for heaven’s sake, don’t make that deposit and then erase it with a “but”!
Granted, it’s much easier to resolve conflict with like-minded people than with someone who just insists on being unlovable; however, that unlovable only became unlovable when they began to feel unloved!
See, Ephesians 4:26 says that God knows we’re going to get angry; it’s what we do in our anger that separates us from this world! Making a deposit before making a withdrawal is seasoning the speech with salt as Colossians 4:6 tells us to do. Now, what does this look like? Well, I think the most generic one could go something like this: “I really value you as a ____________ (you fill in the blank: friend/husband/sibling) and I need to share something with you that sort of stepped on my emotional foot. I know you didn’t do it on purpose; I just wanted to bring it to your attention and let you know why it hurt because if I don’t, it will happen again and I don’t want anything to interfere with my relationship with you.”
See, that’s not too hard, is it? Now, here’s the deal, though: You won’t be able to control their response or how they receive it, but you can pray before you make that deposit and before you take that withdrawal!
The other day, a friend was sharing a story on Facebook of how he just got sick and tired of being given the runaround and being talked to in such a way that even a dog would cringe. Well, it pushed his button and he let them have it, and while he may have felt momentarily better after the explosion, he was completely exasperated and exhausted after the dust settled! See, that’s not how we’re supposed to feel in and through a conflict. There can be victory when we draw that line. He had a right to draw his line, as many of us feel we do when we reach that point. The difference is: how we draw our boundary line in times of conflict should give us a sense of victory, wrapped up with peace, not an exasperated exhaustion.
Well, practice makes perfect, and while I don’t wish you any conflict today, I do pray that you will be able to put into practice this first conflict solver in the gift/sacrifice of communication!
Join me tomorrow for an experience that has never happened to me before, but I lived through it to tell it, so I’m going to!
Love,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thank you for sharing this Coffee Hour with me as I write from my heart to yours about this subject of communication that literally thousands of books have been written about! Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith and let’s go tie the final knots in this relevant subject.
Proverbs 15:2 says that the tongue of the wise uses knowledge, in other words, we step back emotionally and mentally before jumping forward with a reaction. This is the difference between responding vs. reacting. In fact, we are supposed to take this time to step back and sort of season our talk with some salt … salt ads flavor, the flavor of kindness, gentleness, peace, patience … and self-control! The ESV of the Bible translates Colossians 4:6 this way: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
Well, this tells us that each person, each situation, each disagreement needs a different response, but no matter what the response, we’ve got to step back before we jump forward. See this is the biggest challenge when someone has challenged us, right? How can we pour salt on our words so as to not inflict wounds or add to an already-existing wound? The first and only thing that comes to mind is to do a heart check! I remember an angry husband coming to me one time, sharing all kinds of ugly stuff about his wife. He demanded that I talk with the Pastor of our church and the Associate Pastor, and fill them both in on all her dirty laundry. He demanded a whole host of other things, but … anyway, after reading through his email twice, and some time in prayer, I responded with a question: What’s your motive? If your motive is for restoration, to help in the healing process, that’s great; but if your motive is to bring her harm, to hurt her because she’s hurt you, then you will have to take that up with God because I cannot participate in that. So check your heart, your motive.”
He didn’t respond!
In times of conflict, sometimes we must say nothing at all but let our actions speak for us. In 1^st Peter 3:1, Peter tells us that many can be won over not by our words but by our conduct. This isn’t for just the spouse married to an unbeliever, although it’s a great piece of wisdom for those in that situation. There’s no point in climbing the mountain of change, getting to the top or peak of a change and shouting, “I’ve changed; can’t you see I’ve changed?” We must allow our lives to be the voice.
Can you think of someone who has influenced you with their lives, not just their words? Paul is gifted in this area of communication and points out this truth: how would we even have faith without the knowledge imparted through good communication? We take that leap of faith because someone communicates to us in a way that grabs at our heart and squeezes it and causes us to recognize the necessity of the reality of Christ. Do you see what I mean?
Have you ever been listening to a message from a pastor, or someone on the radio, or even someone face to face and wondered, how in the world did they get such a clear picture of my dirty laundry? Do they have a camera or X-ray vision that goes straight to my mind and down to my heart?
So who or what communicated to you your need for a Savior?
That’s almost a wrap on this sacrifice! Next week, we will cover the final part in this sacrifice of communication, because without it, we would most certainly continuously fail in this area of communication and in this sacrificial journey!
Love,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Oh, happy day to you and thanks so, so much for stopping by to have coffee with me! We are tying the final knots in this sacrifice of communication, and I’m hoping to be done with this sacrifice after our Coffee Hour tomorrow, and yet, if He leads me to communicate more to you from my heart to yours … so be it! Grab your coffee, and your red Strand of Faith (SOF), and let’s get back to some Biblical ingredients for good communication.
Oh, this next reminder is a good one! It sort of has a sharp edge of conviction to it, at least to me. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us to not let any corrupt communication come out of our mouths but use language that lifts up, not tears down for this blesses God in Heaven.
Now, the first thing I thought of is cussing, or a “slip of the tongue". When I think of the truth that one minute I can have a potty mouth and the next minute be praising Him, I am a bit convicted of talking out of two different sides of my mouth! See one slip of the tongue leads to another, and another, and another … before you know it, our tongue’s totally slipped and we’re falling all over ourselves! But does corrupt just mean, for example, cuss words, or foul language? I’m not sure. Something tells me there might be more to this word than meets the eye. Let’s go check in my handy-dandy Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance.
Wow, first of all, this double r word is in the Word over 50 times and it has about 12 translations between the Old and New Testament! Let’s go right to the context of Ephesians and see what we find: “Defiling speech,” which makes sense because defiling speech tears down and certainly doesn’t lift up. Let’s see what else it says: “it is said of a tree and its fruit”!
So you might not see the symbolism, but I actually got goose bumps. See, if we are abiding in Him, our Tree of Life, then our fruit will not be – as this translation goes on to say – “of poor quality, unfit for use, putrid”!
And one more definition under this context: “rotten, worthless or morally bad.” Oh, ouch; oh, ouch! What falls under this category of rotten, worthless or morally bad? Hmmm, a harsh tone is definitely a culprit, but so is gossip, so are lies, so are words spoken with an angry heart! Remember, out of the mouth comes what’s in the heart. I mean, it’s almost as if the words form the picture of all that’s in the heart, and if there’s a bunch of stuff you don’t want others to see … then maybe we should harness that tongue and do some heart-cleaning before we speak so we will not be found guilty of committing this offense of corrupt communication.
When we began this particular sacrifice, I was ministering to, or trying to, a new believer who had stepped outside of the nest and rather than clip her little wings, I truly wanted to hold her hands, join hearts and pray for restoration, for her good and God’s glory. I know in my heart that this blessed Him, for I wasn’t harsh, wasn’t trying to take her by the gruff of the neck and lead her to her stinky pooh, per say; I simply wanted to love her back into the nest so she could experience the restorative power that forgiveness brings, and break some more chains. Well, since speaking to her and asking to meet with her, she seems to have flown away, and all I can do is ask God to watch over her, to use the seeds that we planted in her life in a way that would bring her back to us … or to another nest that she would continue her process of undoing all that’s been done to her, to break cycles that have held her in bondage, seen and unseen bondage.
I know when someone has an issue with me, when they make a deposit first before taking a withdrawal, in other words, lift me up before knocking me down, I am more apt to not get knocked down but continue soaring on wings of eagles as I yearn to become more like Him who has loved me into change!
Join me tomorrow for a final Biblical principle for the Sacrifice of Communication,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy day to you and thanks so much for stopping by for our Coffee Hour! I don’t know about you but I’m learning that the more I give out, the more often I need to stop to refuel! This is a must for good communication! Grab your coffee and your red SOF (Strand of Faith) and let’s go tie what I hope to be the final knots in the Sacrifice of Communication!
Communication isn’t some new-fad, something that has evolved, per say. As a matter of fact, communication was/is one of the main building blocks to the early church. I mean, it’s not like the Bible was put together by a bunch of people spreading rumors! Think about it; God communicated through His Holy Spirit through every author of every book and thereafter it was translated. Without communication, how would the Bible have been translated as accurately as it has? How would we learn about the things of God, about His character, discover His promises without effective communication? Where would our relationship with our Keynote Speaker and Mediator be without this form of written, Holy-Spirit inspired, communication? Oops, I know; too many questions. Let me get back on track here. :)
So while it’s not a “new” thing, it seems the more technologically available we are, the less we use this gift/virtue; communication is fading into the backdrop of life! See, the faster we move through life, the less we stop to communicate. In many ways, the generations to follow will need to understand the value of communication even more than you or me because everything seems to be going automated and decreasing and demeaning the need for healthy communication; however, the value of good communication remains highly relevant.
I just thought of something that really hits this one home. My guy and I were out having dinner one night – although this has happened more than once – and he nudged me, indicating with his head which direction to look and there was a couple, both of them on their “smart” phones! Instead of taking the time to be with each other, they were available for others. Or maybe they were playing a game. Who knows? Any way you look at it, those smart phones interfere with communication. Or how about the single dad taking his kids to dinner; same thing, he’s on his phone and the kids are left to their own devices, i.e., running around the restaurant, picking a fight with the other sibling, or maybe they have phones too! Don’t get me wrong; I am on my phone just as much as the next person, if not more, but after a certain hour, my phone is off. When I go out with my guy, it’s at home or in the car. Smart phones cannot take the place of meaningful communication! That could be an entire week’s blog, but I’ll stay on track, here and get off my soap box! :)
I would be really missing the mark if I didn’t spend some time on some Biblical ingredients of good communication… and bad, because when we put all the ingredients that go into good, or bad, communication, our Keynote Speaker has definitely given us many ingredients as well as vivid how-to’s and explanatory don’t do’s. He used all kinds of personalities to make each example clear, people who succeeded as well as people who failed.
In other words, Jesus made a huge deal about communication!
In Proverbs 15:1 we read that a soft answer is a must in the recipe for good communication. Ouch! In other words, when someone bites our head off, do we bite back? Oh, how often I have been accused of having a “tone,” or speaking too loud, something that I am consistently working on, because let’s face it, our tone can truly be a camera into our hearts. You’ve heard it said before, “It is not what you say, but how you say it”? A soft answer decreases the fire. When someone says something to us that is hurtful, in other words, lights a match, do we throw water on the fire, or another log?
Oh, my goodness, I used to be such a yeller … and it would shut my guy down faster than pressing the off button on the television. To me, it was normal to yell; after all, I’d often wake from my sleep to screaming, yelling and fighting in the background. That was the way my biological family communicated … so hurtful. Now I know better. But just as speaking loudly can sound angry, I’ve also learned that being too intense is also detrimentally harmful to healthy communication.
I remember when our families first blended and I was trying desperately to have a relationship with my step-son and step-daughter. It wasn’t until I had been married for SEVEN years that I realized part of their problem with me was my problem with intensity! So I’ve learned to bring it down a notch – well several, actually! Oftentimes, our intensity is driven by a need to be heard and/or a need to be understood. So memorizing this verse in Proverbs, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh wound stirs up anger” is a must for it has a good ingredient and a what-not-to-do instruction!
Oh, to remember to speak sloooooowly, and softly … not matter how I’m spoken to!
Join me tomorrow for more on communication

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Oh, it’s a great day to write from my heart to yours, to have this sort of fellowship/communication that I don’t take lightly but cherish knowing we spend this time together! Grab your coffee and come on in for some more foundation of communication.
Hebrews 13:16 says: "But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased." The word “communicate” means to share what you have. But why am I trying to spiritualize communication, you ask? Well, the simple answer is: This is a spiritual matter but let me explain a bit more, and thanks in advance for hearing me. :)
I don’t know about you, but my flesh can be incredibly greedy and stingy and unwilling to part with my acquired pride which drives my opinions and my need to be heard and/or understood! This becomes a fleshly hindrance to a spiritual gift but also a key to the ultimate way that communication is a sacrifice. See, the Spirit in us is quick to share, to give, to communicate. And not that we want to compare sacrifices or level of sacrificing, per se, but God is pleased when we sacrifice that which hinders the type of communication that edifies and builds up. This sacrifice pleases God because God is a living God and desires for His children to be like Him, pursuing relationships, healthy relationships.
Did you know that information is giving out while communication is pouring in? I just heard that in class the other night and thought I’d share it with you! :) So communicating is a type of sharing of ourselves, especially when it leads us to helping others or to consistent fellowship. This of course requires that we share our time, thoughts, resources, and our prayers with others. Sometimes the greatest gift you can share with someone else, especially with God, is yourself. And when people you love the most communicate the least, isn’t that infuriating? No communication is like being in a big dark room with someone and you know you’re eventually going to bump into them, but you’re not sure when! You’re left with all kinds of suppositions, predispositions and crazy expectations.
Just the other day, my husband and I were walking to our car and he communicated something to me that brought me out of what feels like that dark room and I stopped as he spoke. He said, “You know how when you’re asked, ‘how’s your day,’ or ‘how is this,’ or how is that going,’ and you don’t even think and you just say fine?”
I wasn’t quite tracking what he was saying so I said, “Sort of.”
And then he gave me a sweet example where he replayed a typical conversation we’d have at the dinner table with little Bryden and asking about his day and his one-word answers were either good or fine and we’d have to get a little bit more specific to help him use some different words. I smiled at the memories and nodded my head.
He suddenly indicated to his head by pointing to it and saying, “Well, I have so much in here, but when you ask me stuff, all I can say is the same thing.”
I was stunned into silence, my heart falling more in love with him. I didn’t know what to say. Imagine me, speechless! :)
He went on: “I know it’s a guy thing, but I don’t want to be that way with you.”
My darkroom suddenly went white with bright light and all I could do was hug him to me and suggest that maybe I could slow down, and be a safer place for his thoughts, as jumbled as they may be to lands.
Oh, you talk about a huge dose of sweet humility! Coffee Hour Friend, things are never as they seem, even in the darkroom of no communication. Continue to pray, seek to speak words that edify and build up that you and those you desire to communicate with can rise above the darkroom of no communication or painful conflict!
Love,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks so much for joining me for Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and more of this third sacrifice in the Seven Sacrifices to Joy! Communication is what makes or breaks a bridge! Grab your coffee and your strand of faith and let’s go tie some more knots in our ongoing conversation about communication!
How is it that we can hold our tongues, be slower to speech, step back before we jump forward with our words? There is a truth that I know has been very helpful to me in this constant trial of speaking words that build up instead of tear down: Out of the abundance of the heart, a man/woman speaks! (Luke 6:45b) See, what is in our heart will come out of our mouths.
Oh, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that something has escaped from my mouth like a robber quickly taking off with his sought-after loot only to be hit in the face with a picture of my heart!
Then I am left with the gentle conviction as my words are left exposed, as if engraved in the sand after the tide rolls away. They are there for me to stare at, their tone not hidden in the grains of sand, rather echoing back over the sound of the wave, convicting me, moving me to seek forgiveness from Him first, and then go to the one who is still stunned by the stink that my words have left in their being.
I know there is no condemnation for I am His, and yet I struggle with this question, and maybe you do too: Why does this seem to be an ongoing struggle? I mean when I started blogging four and a half years ago, one of my first blogs I wrote was about mouthing off to my husband! Does this mean I haven’t grown in this area? Ugh! Can you hear me groan?
The answer I keep hearing is: keep the heart clean. See, the heart is like the closet of the house; everything gets stored in there, but little gets cleaned out of there! If there is even a tiny bit of dust in the heart with somebody’s name on it, then out of the mouth will come that dirt. The cleaner the heart, the cleaner our words!
Whenever there is a tiny hint of resentment, any little piece of unresolved conflict, it will be the aroma that comes out with any form of communication creating more tension, and a wall inhibiting integrity. When someone steps on our emotional toe, why is it that we can’t say ouch out loud …without trying to hurt the one who hurt us? When will we realize that a hurt + a hurt = a double-hurt? Oh, don’t we need this consistent reminder? I know I do! The good news: there is forgiveness and with a truly repentant heart comes change, and grace, like a wave coming back in to wash the shadow of the pain caused by the hurtful words until we can feel the sting no more.
But how about those who don’t know how to say ouch, so they keep it in for fear of how the other will take it? In other words, they anticipate the response, assume how they will respond and so the hammer comes down again, sealing in bitterness and resentment.
Again, I hear the clean heart analogy. If we say “ouch” with a motive to hurt and tear down, or to repay evil for evil, more likely than not, the fire will grow higher and higher and the wound deeper, but if our motive is to restore, repair, then the rest is up to the other person, whom you cannot control! We must not hold back an apology based on what we think they might say, or even because we feel they wronged us first. Remember, when we get there, He’s going to talk to us about how we responded to the step on the emotional foot. Others’ hurtful behavior isn’t a free pass to misbehave.
See, God knew we’d have conflict; that’s why He spoke through Paul in Romans 12:18, for as much as is possible with you, live peaceably with others. You do your part; He’ll take care of them. Go ahead and put your name in that verse: for as much as is possible with _________, live peaceably with __________. Who do you need help communicating with today? Claim this verse over U for without the U, there is no “Us”!
Oh, that I would be so slow to speak, that my words would lift up and not tear down …
Until tomorrow,

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Thanks for taking the time to make the time to have Coffee Hour with me! Today we are returning to the Seven Sacrifices to Joy, and we are still on the third sacrifice of communication. Oh, what a gift … and a curse communication can be! Grab your coffee and your SOF (Strand of Faith) and let’s go tie some knots in our faith.
There are only 14 references to communicate/communication in the Bible, and its major translation means fellowship, but in many of those references unity is mentioned and so is conflict. I could feel you bristle as you read that word “conflict,” but we’ll talk about that in a minute. :) Unity is as a result of good and effective communication while conflict is as a result of not-so-good communication. Could this be why we are instructed in James 1:19 to be slow to speak? And look at all the instructions in Proverbs about holding our tongues, watching our words, etcetera. Did you get any sort of visual for either of those? Because I did and it was pretty funny!
For James 1:19 I get this visual of an extremely fast-paced runner of life being held back ever so firmly to do everything in slooooooooooow motion! Oh, what a great reminder, especially when it comes to handling conflict, or confronting someone when their words are speaking differently than their actions. See, for the sake of the greater good, in an effort to not kick the bird out of the nest, so to speak, we must be contemplative in our approach, not as though we are sneaking up on them and trying to scare them so they fall out of the nest, or the church, but gentle and thoughtful and in love expose what has been revealed that they may be restored to abiding in the Bride of Christ.
How about the visual of holding your tongue? Go ahead, grab your tongue and look at yourself! Sorry, but that’s worth a giggle or two and definitely brought back a memory or two, which I’ll share in a moment.
Proverbs 12:18 says that reckless words pierce like a sword! Ouch! I know that that thing in me called a tongue has caused more damage than any other weapon known to man! Oh, how many times have I wished that I would have held my tongue before letting some incredibly ugly words come out of my mouth! Have you ever regretted something you said almost as soon as you said it? Isn’t the feeling horrible, like a lead anchor in your heart pushing you down!
I can remember the aftermath of an argument with my second husband – third time’s a charm! We were sitting on the floor, calmly talking through an argument and discovering exactly where it had derailed into an all-out ugly fire! I was really listening to him … that didn’t happen often; trust me, and all of a sudden he said, “Give me your tongue.”
I looked at him, dumbfounded, shook my head to see if anything rattled differently and would echo a different statement and all I could say was, “What?”
He repeated himself.
I stuck my tongue out and he gently grabbed it between his thumb and index finger and the words he said etched in my heart and have remained there: “Of all the hurtful things you do, this hurts the worst.”
All I could do was burst into tears. He wasn’t trying to shame me; he was simply letting me know that every time I opened my mouth to hurl swords of insult, words that cut him down, that hurt more than anything else I had done.
Can you think of a time when words seared painfully into someone’s soul?
Yes, conflict can be a character builder, building up both the offended and the offender … but only if we are slow to communicate, step back before we jump forward.
Join me tomorrow for more on this huge subject of communication.

Evinda

Seven Sacrifices to Joy

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Happy day to you, Coffee Hour Friend! I’m so glad there is you to have coffee with and explore all the ways communication is a sacrifice. Grab your coffee and your red Strand of Faith, and let’s get started.
So as I was wrapping up our last coffee hour about Adam and Eve and reiterating that despite the original sin, God still chose to pursue them, the light bulb went off as far as communication/fellowship becoming a sacrifice and how it does become a sacrifice … all because of the first sacrifice on the part of God who desired fellowship/communication with us! Even after the first sin! He desired communication with us so much that He sacrificed His only Son to be our mediator, to keep the fellowship/communication going. [1^ST Corinthians 1:9; 9:23]
When I visualize Adam and Eve running … from God, I can’t help but wonder what was going on inside his head? Had he and Eve talked about their sin? One thing is obvious; Adam was definitely inside his head when it came to even thinking about staying in communication with God! This is another thing that interferes with healthy communication.
How many times do we stay inside our heads and think all kinds of things that turn out to actually be so far from the truth that they appear to be from another planet? That is not communication; in fact, staying in our heads hinders communication because we begin to project what’s inside our head out onto the one(s) involved. Oh, how I’ve been guilty of this dancing in my head … also known as mind-chasing!
A lack of communication breaks fellowship while good communication creates unity. So what’s a good example we can talk about? Ah-ha, let’s use marriage, because that is the greatest communicator builder … or destroyer, depending on us!
I know the more my husband and I communicate, the more connected I feel; the less we communicate, the less emotionally connected I feel. Kind of like a cord plugged into the wall, but not plugged in all the way. And we as women, if we’re not feeling connected, the last thing we want to do is plug in … intimately, if you know what I mean. If faith is to Christianity what Google is to the computer, then communication is the glue for any relationship. In fact, when there is healthy and clear communication, it can be like Super Glue; a little dab will do ya! I keep hearing argument and the word ouch, so I’m going to use a simple example to hopefully paint a clear verbal picture to help us get better in/with communication.
So I’ve mentioned my son and his family moved to Austin, Texas last August – yikes, almost a year ago! Anyway, I have overcome my Skype phobia and have become a fan … actually I’m a bigger fan of Google Hangouts – thank you Jennifer! Well, we had set up our Skype time, and so my visit began. If you’ve ever Skyped with someone, you know that it’s a bit like being on another planet. There is this deeeeeeee-laaaaaaay that makes you have to stop and think, what did they just say? And lip reading becomes a new skill, but the fact is, there they are, on the screen and trust me when I say, I kiss the screen when I see my two grandchildren. I get so excited when I see all their faces … hear their voices, so much so that I work thru the blurry screen that tends to distort their images if they don’t have it just right, and the long drawn-out one syllable words because of the web-space the words travel! Anyway, it’s a great experience and it’s getting better with each space visit.
So my daughter-in-love was beside my grandkids and she kept bringing their attention back to the screen and to Nana. They seemed a bit distracted and just about the time I thought we’d be getting into a fun topic to talk about, something would take their focus. It wasn’t until I started asking my son a couple of questions, and my daughter-in-love revealing that he was playing video games on their screen T.V., that I realized why my favorite little ones couldn’t focus. To make that fifteen-minute conversation short, after I gave kisses and lots of love, I hung up and proceeded to process a truth: My son had distracted the kids while I was on the phone with them. Now, to some of you, that may not be a big deal, but to me it was and the more I thought about it, the more irritated I got. So I stopped thinking about it until my quiet time the next morning.
In my quiet time, I realized first of all that my son had stepped on my emotional foot. Why, or how? I am still struggling with them being gone; that’s my issue, not theirs! When I get to talk to them, I want them all in, as much as possible. That’s my need, not theirs! Second of all, he didn’t realize he had stepped on my foot but to avoid hurting our relationship by me keeping it in, I decided I needed to tell him. So I texted him and asked if we could talk later, to which he responded with a time.
Well fifteen minutes before that time, he called – now that was awesome because he’s rarely on time! He’s like his mom in that we push the clock! Anyway, let me repeat the conversation verbatim so you get the picture of when someone steps on your emotional foot, you say ouch and here’s how: “So I need to tell you that you sort of stepped on my foot yesterday and I’d like to explain how because I know you probably aren’t even aware that you did.” My tone was gentle and calm, by the way. VERY IMPORTANT!
“Okaaaaay,” he replied, curiously.
“I look so forward to Skyping with the kids, especially since I still haven’t gotten used to you being in another state.” (I owned my own feeling) I continued. "So when I am talking with them, I don’t want to compete with video games; I want to connect with them as much as possible but when you are playing video games on the big screen T.V. in the same room that we are trying to have a conversation, it’s incredibly distracting for them, and it’s not fair to me.”
I went on to affirm my daughter-in-love’s attempts to bring their focus back to their Nana.
His apology was immediate and I continued:
“So I just wanted to let you know, you stepped on my foot and it hurt, but I know you didn’t mean to.”
“Mom, I am so sorry, and you know what? You are right; I had no idea. But now it’s making sense because I remember hearing Lauren say to the kids, ‘pay attention,’ but I wasn’t paying attention.”
We both giggled.
“And if you hadn’t brought this to my attention, I would have done it again. I didn’t even think about it.”
We talked for a few more minutes and I have to be honest, considering how much we’ve both grown over the last ten years, that conversation that I just replayed for you was the proof of that growth and the reward at the same time. I don’t know who was more relieved and amazed at the way we each handled it, him or me; all I know is the payoff was a heck of a lot more rewarding than if I had just assumed he knew he stepped on my foot and hadn’t owned my own need!
So when someone steps on your emotional foot, step back before you jump forward … and be honest enough to own what’s yours, including feelings more likely than not are inaccurate!
Join us tomorrow for Faith Filled Fridays, and next week, we will put this series on hold so we can do our April WOW, and have Coffee in Cabo!
Love,

Evinda