Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and welcome back to more of Nana Holds, a series started almost a year ago now. It’s been almost a month since the last entry for this series and we left off during the beginning of the 2012 Christmas season! Wow, where has all the time gone? I can’t wait to catch us up to the present in this series and share with you all that God is continuing to work through it as He continues to transform me in these Nana Holds moments. Grab your coffee and come on in.

We found out about three weeks before Christmas that Bryce was going to get a three-day pass for Christmas, so George and I began preparing Bryden for his Daddy’s visit home. “Bryden, Daddy gets a little vacation from his big job so he’s going to be coming home for a few days and we’re going to get to spend Christmas with him.” He understood “daddy’s coming home,” and we began to count down the days.

As the weeks turned into just days before the anticipated homecoming, we made plans for Bryce’s three-day home pass which began at 12:00 noon the Saturday before Christmas. Since this was to be a happy and joyous time for everyone, we thought we’d treat us all to “The happiest place on earth, Disneyland,” which is exactly where we headed the day we

Christmas 2012

picked him up.

What an experience, to see the happiest place through the eyes of a child like I had never done before. Oh, sure, I’ve taken my son when he was little but that was years ago when I was a control freak and much to worried about all the what-ifs instead of learning to be in the moments and soak up the happiness, even if just for the day.

Well, Disneyland was another do-over for me. When we finally made it into the park – OMG, was it ever crowded – we moved ever so slowly among the crowd and I tried not to feel so suffocated. We hadn’t even been inside twenty minutes, and hadn’t made it very far, when all of a sudden, Disneyland personnel began to rope off Main Street. It was time for the Christmas parade and we were just in time.

We weaved in and out of the clumps of people to a place that had a porch with enough room for all of us to stand, that is, Bryce, Bryden, Papa, Nana and Jene. That’s where we stopped to watch the complete parade, another experience I have never experienced! As many of the famous childhood characters came by on their various floats made up of their favorite things and places, Bryce put Bryden up on his shoulders. From my perspective, he had the best seat in the whole parade, and from the look on Bryden’s face, he was right where he wanted to be with who he wanted to be with.

When Mickey and Minnie Mouse came dressed in their Christmas clothes, their whimsical joy pulled a smile from Bryden and his eyes began to twinkle like only a child’s can. I watched as he stared somewhat captivated by Goofey and Pluto, and in awe at Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, childhood characters he hasn’t met yet. Cinderella’s ethereal beauty rendered him still as he waved back at her, returning her parade-like wave that he just knew was for him. He waved at the little toy soldiers, the chipmunks and many other characters that had slipped my mind in my adult life.

Each time I saw a new character, I’d point: Bryden, there’s so and so and then I’d hurry and get my camera ready, turning my glance first to the character and then to him, hoping to capture all of what he was experiencing. There was so much to take in that he was actually speechless as each of them danced their way down Main Street, but his awe-inspired silence ceased as soon as he saw someone very familiar to him. I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t Santa!

Join me tomorrow for more Nana Holds moments

Evinda

Nana Holds!

P.S. Join Steve and me for another talk radio segment on breaking free from co-dependency. We are currently talking about empowerment, which is vital to the breaking-free process. If you can’t join us at 1:00 Pacific time, just click on this link when you can and you will land in our show where you can download to listen at your convenience.www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power

Nana Holds

Happy day to you! Thanks for stopping by for a little coffee break at Chicklit Power. Grab your coffee and come on in for some sweet memories we made while waiting for September 24th, the date that would determine guardianship for little Bryden.

Rewinding the memories, I can’t help but smile as I see them outlined in support, the support of friends and especially CPM family. Bryden became more and more outgoing, that is until something happened and then all of a sudden we would watch him hide. And then, out of nowhere the answer of his hiding would come in that distinct odor. Yup, he was beginning to hide every time he pooped his pants!

Just the reminder makes me break out in another hot flash! I couldn’t believe it; in my 50s and God was calling me to potty-train! Really! Never in a million years did I imagine this is what I would be doing at 50-something! But it was time and so I began to get prayed up; after all, he was two-and-a-half. And despite his daddy’s mom telling me that Bryden’s daddy didn’t train until he was three, and George told me this too, I knew if I was ready, then Bryden would get there, too!
So, if you can imagine, there I was hot-flashing and daring to begin the vicarious roller coaster ride of potty-training. I remember thinking to myself that I so wanted this to be a more positive experience than it was the first and only time I did this with my son. I wanted to experience more highs than lows. I didn’t want to get myself so worked up, so instead I prepared myself emotionally for lots and lots of accidents. I wanted to be patient, patient, patient and equally as loving.

Well, it definitely takes more than good intentions! This child had to be the hardest-headed little two-and-a-half and for a couple days, I felt derailed from my good intentions. See, when he would have an accident, I’d ask him, and he’d say no!
My first reaction was that of old coping mechanisms as I inwardly accused him of lying. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he would lie. But after a couple of those instances, and a few talks with a couple of friends, understanding settled in as I prayed for a mind of a two-and-a-half-year-old. He was just being two-and-a-half and he didn’t understand it as a lie; he just knew from my tone, my attitude, and my body language that this type of accident wasn’t a good thing. I didn’t want him to feel shame and yet my frustration contradicted that.

I was determined not to let frustration win and for there to be no memories that would scar this little guy! It was in this process that the hint of something incredibly important began to surface, but I couldn’t quite put my grasp on it. The mere hint of it pulled me up and away from old behaviors and familiar frustrations and even though I couldn’t quite tell then what it was I can now, but it’s not the right time to share it in the story.

And Bryden’s daddy was focusing on what he was in Teen Challenge for, and as we sat in our chairs waiting for them to call his name for the first phase graduation, we were convinced of that.
Yes, George and I were experiencing all kinds of redemption, amazed at His sovereignty that makes true redemption possible. Join me Monday for more moments of Nana Holds.

Transformed,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Happy day after Christmas! I don’t know about you, but this day after Christmas, all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch and watch movies all day! After we have our little coffee break, of course! Thanks for stopping by! Grab your coffee and come on in.

So just a few weeks after Bryden’s daddy’s “promotion,” he called us to share with us that he was getting baptized and that we could come if we wanted to. They were conducting the baptisms at a beach almost two hours away. (For the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the beach!%^&*()_) )

I smiled from the inside out as reality permeated from my mind to my soul. The transformation was continuing and this public confession was going to be like none I had ever seen before. A baptism in the ocean!

Bryce Baptized!

Bryden was visiting his grandparents on his mother’s side so we didn’t have him with us that weekend, which is probably a good thing because I don’t know that he would have been able to handle his daddy going way out there with the crashing waves and then being pushed down under! Oh, but we did, with joy and thankful hearts. The four and a half hour drive for that one hour was definitely worth it. It’s what parents do; it’s what the Bride of Christ does, comes alongside and cheers, supports and encourages steps that bring one closer to Christ Himself.

The next couple of weeks held some more poignant moments that worked like softener on my heart which unbeknownst to me was a bit hard when it comes to loving and being loved uninhibitedly. Bryden was enjoying going to church and being with others close to his age. An added bonus was Donald and Suzanne began going to our church so he got to be with his little playmates on Sunday mornings, too. These things all added up to give him a sense of “normal.” The seeds of the things of God began to plant in his little heart as well and we continued to water them with nighttime prayers which he began to repeat almost word for word after only a few weeks. Sweet little sponge!

Flowers from Bryden

Sundays after church we would go out to breakfast down the street. Boy does that little guy love pancakes, especially with lots of syrup! But one Sunday, on our way back to the truck, Bryden suddenly became preoccupied with something. I turned to see Papa stopped, watching him as he bent over and yanked with all of his might a little clump of flowers. I almost told him not to pick the pretty flowers, and then I remembered the one time he and his dad had come in from playing. Bryden had a flower and he, ever so sweetly, walked toward me with his hand outstretched holding his flower with pride and said, “Here Nana,” while his dad looked on with a rare smile.

History has a way of repeating itself, and that’s not always a bad thing, because Bryden, when he had conquered the desire of his heart, walked over to me ever so sweetly, innocently and joyfully and with his hand outstretched and a smile on his adorable little face  hesaid, “Here, Nana!” I bent down to hug him and exclaim how beautiful the flowers were, that Nana had never seen anything more beautiful! Again, I felt something in my heart move, almost like fingers molding clay . . .

Join me tomorrow for more!

Joyfully,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me today. Wow, only six more days until CHRISTmas! I hope you have been able to keep an eternal perspective during this season and are experiencing the true gifts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control! Now that’s an eternal perspective. Grab your coffee and come on in.

About six weeks after that day that changed all of our lives, Bryce got a “job” transfer to a place that allowed visitors. It was a place we were familiar with because we had gone to see my son there for a season several years ago, a place of recovery with a home-like atmosphere, a place that I never stop thanking God for because life-changing seeds were planted in my son’s life that have rooted and in the not so distant past, began to sprout out and reach others! Teen Challenge will forever be on my top 10 blessing list!

I can’t even begin to tell you what a miracle it is that he’s there, let alone how he got there, but out of respect for him and his journey, that’s all I’ll say about that. To God be the glory and trust me when I say that He does work all things out for His glory for the good of those called according to His purposes. Bryce was “called” years ago; he just didn’t know it.

Within a few days of his transfer to his new “job,” Teen Challenge called George and asked him if we could take him to get a physical and some shots and they also let us know we could bring his clothes and personal belongings. This was another miracle because usually when a student begins the program, they do so with the understanding that they don’t get to have visitors for the first 30 days!

That visit is something I’ll cherish for years to come and it was time that helped ease the pain of the past, a time where we

received some answers to some questions and some suspicions confirmed, and a time where my stepson, for the first time affirmed me. It didn’t erase the past by any means, but understanding always eases the pain, and clarity makes it easier to move forward. When we hugged him good-bye that day, our hearts were much lighter than they had been in the weeks prior, and his last words lifted me off the ground for the whole trip home: “I love you, Kim.” I can’t even begin to put into words how thankful I was that for the prior months, I had hung on to the Father’s garment, sometimes with white knuckles, in order to show this young man love!

We found out about family visiting day just a few days before it was scheduled and I began to prepare Bryden by letting him know that Daddy had gotten a promotion in his job and now he’s somewhere where we can go and visit him. Unfortunately, because of the short notice, I couldn’t get out of a commitment, so George and Bryden went. I’ll forever wish I could have seen what my husband described as he saw his daddy for the first time in almost eight weeks!

They pulled into the church parking and sat for just a few minutes before they saw the Teen Challenge van. George says, “Bryden, there’s your daddy coming in his work van.” Bryden’s eyes followed Papa’s finger and he began to shout for his daddy. George got out of the truck and went around to Bryden’s side and began to get him out of his car seat all the while Bryden was saying “daddy, daddy, daddy.” Talk about an excited little boy. George set him down on the ground and by that time, the van had parked and the guys began spilling out of it.

Suddenly, Bryden pulled away from Papa and with a burst of energy that matched a rocket. He bolted across the parking lot shouting only one word in the happiest of voices: “Daddy, daddy, daddy. . .” It was like each time he said it, he gained momentum. And oh, what I wouldn’t give to have seen Papa as he tried to keep up with him, protecting him from any oncoming cars until Bryden landed ever so enthusiastically and safely in his daddy’s arms.

Joyfully,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me for a little break at Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power. I know, especially during this time of year, taking a break is not always an easy thing to do! Grab your coffee and come on in.

Some things got a little easier going into the third week. For example, we were getting into some sort of a routine despite many arrows from others who unknowingly brought chaos to the structure and stability we were trying desperately to give little Bryden. But God is so good and He provided great support with friends, and especially with daycare. By this time, he had been with them for a little over six months and not only did he love his “Shuzanne,” as he calls her, and Donald, but he was totally attached to his two little playmates, their two children, and he almost always embraced going off to play for the day with them. Some mornings I would watch him walk to her car and marvel at just how tough God had created him and how well he was adapting.

And while there were a few cries for “daddy” that were answered with reminders that he was at a big job, the most important job of his life, there were many moments of giggles and playfulness. Unbeknownst to us, God was using this little guy to bring out the child in both of us, to get us to play again, laugh again despite the painful circumstance.

My heart smiles every time I rewind back to the early weeks and how He used Bryden to ease my husband’s sorrow. Watching them play always chased the sorrow away, pushed back all the questions of what-if, how, why, and every other question that threatened to steal those happy moments. Day by day, we were settling into our roles of Mama/Dada and praying for the day when we would be able to be Nana/Papa again, and yet, we were also realizing that in our new roles there would be opportunities to be both; that God would redeem all that the locusts had stolen.

And then a few weeks later, our Heavenly Father did just that when we found out that our son would be changing jobs and going to a new job that would allow for visitors!

Join me tomorrow for more moments and memories of this life-changing season and Nana Holds.

Evinda

Merry Christmas from Bryden and Nana!

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and thanks so much for taking time to come have coffee with me. Grab your coffee and come on in.
Before I get back to where we left off, let me ask you a question; it’s one that I answered one way in the beginning months of becoming Mama/Nana, and now can honestly answer it another way: Who is more “blessed,” the woman/man who has much, struggles little and has no need for a relationship with Christ, or the woman/man who has less in the way of monetary things, struggles quite often but has this consistent joy, this untouchable peace?

See, in the first few months, I was asking “why” every bit as much as I was seeking Him for the “how.” One of those times I asked why and how came the second week. We were taking a walk around the neighborhood, one of the ways we were learning how to help Bryden spend some of that energy that I so wish I could bottle for George and me, because if I could, I’d be downing a big drink of it toward the end of the day. It’s like about 5:00 or thereafter, my energy has taken flight and it doesn’t return until the next morning! (Now, at about 3:00, I pray for strength for the next shift, the final shift of the day!) Anyway, we had all three of our four-legged kids – both of ours and Bryce’s big four-legged child – and we would attempt to let Bryden take one of the leashes and off we’d go.

We would go down our street, left at the end and head up that street which dead-ends at the golf-course. The first time we did this as we got closer and closer to the golf course, Bryden became more antsy and unsettled and then as we began to pass it, suddenly, out of nowhere, he stopped and began to cry with everything in him. George and I stopped in our confusion and his word collided with my realization of where his sorrow was coming from simultaneously.

See, he and his daddy used to always take a walk with the little red wagon. Bryden would be in the wagon and daddy would pull him; that is until they got to the golf course. Then Bryden would get out and they would both down into the ravine, looking for the golf balls that had erroneously disappeared from a golfer’s view and had gathered down in the wash/ravine. It was like a gold mine down there.

For Bryden, it was ball heaven because his very favorite thing is balls, golf balls, soccer balls, basketballs, baseballs, and let me tell you, he has a God-given talent when it comes to hitting and/or kicking them. Then they would gather them all up and put them in the wagon and make their way back home. A successful hunt was five to ten and an okay night was one to three, but no matter how many they found, Bryden was super thrilled. And we had to keep every one of them. Some went in his toy box in the family room, some in a glass container on the counter in his bathroom, some upstairs in his room, and of course, a few got left in the wagon.

Well, there we were trying to pass the golf course but stopped dead in our tracks. I bent down to reach for him just as he cried out “Daaaaa-deeee. I want my daddy.” I hurried to scoop him into my arms. As I felt my heart break, my mind asked why. Why does a little one have to endure so much sorrow? How does a little one endure so much sorrow and how do I do this, God? How? Somebody show me how.

We began to walk again with me holding him while he cried for a couple of minutes. And as we got away from the place that reminded him of his daddy, he calmed down, and he wanted down. As if it had never happened, he took Sparky’s leash and scurried down the sidewalk and it was all we could do to keep up with him. Inwardly, I was marveling at the new insight I had just received: God had made this little guy tough, resiliently tough and somehow, some way, we were all going to get through this circumstance.

Join me Monday for more of Nana holds, and we’ll return to that question I began our time with today.

Confidently,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to our Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power. I’m so glad you could come by and take a break with me. Grab your coffee and come on in.

As I look back on that first week of being Mama/Nana, it was definitely one of those footprint times when I know the Author and Finisher of our Faith carried George and me, and all of our pain, sorrow and frustration. There’s no need to go into all the gory details and run the risk of glorifying the evil one but what I would like to do is highlight some of the beautiful moments that shone through more brilliantly than all the pain and sorrow. They are moments that bring so many of the promises of God to life within our home and definitely deeply into this circumstance.

And in the midst of living in those moments, there were lessons learned along the way, again, lessons that bring to life the Holy Spirit inspired Word of God, promises that have led us through the most painful part of this circumstance to victory in many areas of our lives. See, He has warned us that we will have tribulations in this world, but He has already overcome them. I don’t know why I am always so surprised by His creativity, His sovereignty that accomplishes so much with one circumstance, but I am and I continue to be awestruck, captured by His characteristics in a way that ties so many knots in my string of faith along the way that I, by His grace, shall never come unraveled in my faith. I may have trouble finding my joy sometimes, and there may be days where I have to stir really hard to bring it up to the surface that it may come out and splash others, but I know too much to go back and too much of HIS Word, too many of HIS promises have come to fruition in my own life for me to unravel!

In the midst of the pain, sorrow, frustration and confusion, I was preparing for our holiday event “Living outside Your Circumstances.” Wow, did He ever prepare me that I may comfort others with the comfort I’ve been given. And in my research, I found some diamonds, big diamonds, Girls! I think they will sparkle so beautifully in any circumstance you may be going through and I’m excited to share them with you. The first diamond I discovered is within the word tribulation and I have to tell you as I dug for a deeper understanding, it became so much easier to keep an eternal perspective in our current circumstance, aka, tribulation.

Tribulation translates to “thlipsis” in Greek and primarily means “a pressing, pressure, anything which burdens the spirit and is often accompanied by anguish.” Hang on with me here because this gets better. So the root word for tribulation is actually a sort of sifting machine, a machine that goes and sifts the bad from the good by applying pressure!

There it is; the 10-karat diamond that sparkles with truth that shows us that circumstances/tribulations can work for our eternal good by sifting out the bad, separating it from the good, if we let them!
Please join me tomorrow for the beginning of the highlights of the moments that nearly took our breath away and etched in our hearts their revelations and lessons.

Marveling at His handiwork,

Evinda

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

It’s a beautiful day and a great time for a coffee break! Grab your coffee and come on in and let me share some poignant realizations that this season of Nana Holds is revealing.
As I rewind this part of the movie of my life, I see some changes, and though they’ve been almost unbearably slow, at least I am able to see them despite all that I am still working through.
In the beginning, when his daddy brought Bryden to live with us, he looked at me as though I were an alien. It’s as if his little child-sized intuition kicked into overdrive and announced to him that I wasn’t so kid-friendly, especially in a living situation.
Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t like kids; I do, but I think I’ve always kept them at a distance, albeit subconsciously, but there definitely seems to be some sort of wall that divides the child in me from other children. I don’t know if the foundation of this wall began to erect after my childhood experiences. Who and what is the builder of this internal silent wall? All I know is it is there, but something tells me that Bryden is going to hurdle that wall and tear it down.

As I confess this, another truth comes to the surface, and that is, this wall doesn’t erect with all children; it only appears with the children in my inner world, like all of my grandchildren, and even with the little ones of my closest friends. It’s not that I turn into some monster; I really don’t. And I’m certainly not saying that I don’t love them with everything I can, because I do and I am. It’s just there, this indescribable something that prevents – I can’t even put my finger on what it prevents, or at least I wasn’t able to in the first few months of this season that we have been talking about.
I’m sharing this with you now because something tells me these realizations are going to be significant in this season of Him entwining the little life of Bryden so tightly into ours, and as He does that, He will change the perception I have of myself as it relates to kids.

If I had to describe another change I see, I’d have to do so like this: For many months, instead of being on my knees in total surrender, picture me on my back with my feet in the air, kicking and screaming like a petulant toddler! See, I didn’t want to be a mommy again; been there, done that, got the hat, mug, T-shirt, bathrobe and slippers. Don’t want to do it again! The kicking and screaming magnified as though on steroids when his daddy made a few more bad choices that changed life for everyone, but that’s for later on in this series.

Now I see someone more surrendered to this season, letting go of most of my resentments as well as my agenda and trading all that for His will. Notice I said “most” of my resentments. Again, I transparently share from my heart so as it changes, He will be given all the glory!
There is so much more to share in this series, but we are going to put Nana Holds on hold for a while, that is until after our next event because there are many significant aspects of this circumstance that I will be sharing in our Living Outside our Circumstances workshop! Join me Monday for a new series called The Adulterous Woman!
Transforming,
Evinda