Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me today. I was going to put this series on hold, but a couple of signals have urged me forward. Besides, I think I like the idea of savoring the memories created in Cabo by reliving them with you next week! Grab your coffee and come on in.

So since I’ve introduced you to Jene’, I have received several pieces of what I will deem hate mail from what we now know to be one person. Whoever you are, I pray you continue to read this story of redemption, and that you will experience true redemption in your life.

Anyway, in the midst of the vile hatred and anger spewing out of this mail, I was able to pick out a couple of things that deserve an explanation. I’ve pondered and prayed about them and since I have no idea who reads this, let alone when they jump into the story, I now realize I need to explain some things a bit better. The first of which is the term “bio mom.” See, a long time ago, back somewhere in the beginning of this series, I explained that in order to protect her identity, I was going to just call her bio mom. God as my witness I wasn’t being sarcastic in any way by using that name, and only He knows the veracity and depth of my heart, which I try to share with all of you. I never have, nor will I ever, use this platform, or any other for that matter, to gossip and/or slander anyone’s reputation.

Someone said to me, “Why don’t you just call her “mom?” Well, I could, I guess, but this whole experience, as well as what I have endured in my childhood has taught me that being a mom, let alone being called a mom, is a privilege and though I don’t claim to know her heart, her actions have not warranted that privilege; and yet for the sake of healing, I’m going to now refer to her as Bry’s mother. I will never stop praying for her to come into relationship with our heavenly Father who is the only one who can take the pain from her choices and redeem it for something beautiful. For God sent his son to die for her as well, as he did for you and me.

I have to ask myself, “What if she were to read this series? Would she feel shame?” God knows that I so wouldn’t want that. She may have regrets, but that is beyond my control. What is possible for me is to promote healing. It’s no secret that I don’t get along with her; it’s also no secret that I’m trying to learn all that I can and allow Him to correct what is wrong within me, cut away all that needs to go. All the while, my prayer has been and continues to be that my transparency will lead others to truly invite Him into their own unpacking process.

It’s funny when I think about this whole writing journey, the changes that He has brought about through it all, the person I was in the beginning compared to what I am now and still to be. I remember when I was writing my first book thinking He was going to use my writing for the unbeliever! Wow, I can’t help but shake my head in awe at the reality of writing for the saints, to encourage them in the journey to a deeper, more honest relationship with Him. Yes, I know that’s why He has me writing from my heart to yours.

Join me tomorrow for more of Nana Holds

Evinda

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for coming back for more of these life-changing moments in this season of Nana Holds.

By now, we are six, almost seven months into this season of parenting/grand-parenting Bryden, and none of us are the same! It’s almost Christmastime; he’s just about potty-trained, both number one and two. Consequently, his piggy-bank is getting full and ours is emptying! Clean pants and a full bank, what a winning combination!

George and I are learning the skill of teamwork – and until this circumstance, I had no idea that we weren’t really functioning as a team and that we had so much to learn in this area. I can’t help but shake my head and chuckle at His sense of humor and how He uses all things for all things! Talk about multi-tasking!

By this time, I definitely am getting used to all the changes that have occurred and I am not harboring any resentment or holding on to bitter waiting for things to get better. I am, as has been the case since the beginning, growing in my circumstance, learning to live outside it instead of it consuming me. But I still had a long way to go in the area of relating instead of just functioning — of course I didn’t realize it; I thought I was doing pretty well but I’ll explain that one later! 

I know I’ve already mentioned in prior coffee hours that Bryden wanted a backpack and a lunch pail for big-boy school, which is the key we used to turn on his little switch from pants to potty. So we knew we were going to get him his

Papa, Bryden and his bawoon!

backpack and lunch pail for Christmas. We kept talking up big boy school, especially after receiving word that we were no longer on the waiting list and he was now officially registered and would begin big boy school January 4th!

So there was that countdown. Thinking about his enthusiasm squeezes my heart with such joy for two reasons: the first being that I can finally recognize his childlike enthusiasm and revel in it, be part of it and appreciate it; and two, I loved and still do love knowing that George and I are part of his enthusiasm; that God chose us to help build his little foundation into something big and strong for his later years moves me so far from myself and to a person I know He is transforming into His likeness every day I share with Bryden.

It has been so many years since I have experienced such a special Christmas. It was like Abba was bringing out the little girl in me by bringing this little boy to us to love and nurture as parents. One of my fondest memories about the whole Christmas season was watching him watch the commercials. Have you ever noticed all the toy commercials they play on T.V. around the holiday season? Actually, the season gets earlier and earlier, but that’s a different blog for a different coffee hour.

I could be in the kitchen preparing dinner or in the laundry room folding clothes and all of a sudden I’d hear the sweetest voice ever say: “Nana, I get one of those for Christmas? Nana, can I have one of those for my birthday?”

Yes, he was already asking for gifts for his birthday because he knew it was shortly after Christmas! No matter where my head was , what I was thinking or feeling, what kind of a day I had had, that innocent voice pleading for a new toy could and would always pull me to him!

Embracing the revelations filled with His love,

Evinda

Nana Holds!

P.S. Don’t forget to join us today, if you are able, for our Blog Talk Radio show airing live at 1:00 Pacific time. If you can’t join us then, simply click on the link and download on your Itunes! www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power

Nana Holds!

Welcome back to more of Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and come on in.

So these emotional tug-of-wars with various ropes would last a few days each time he came back from his grandma who he calls mommy and while struggling to understand some of what I was feeling and why I was feeling it, I showed up sort of on automatic. It’s not that I didn’t want to care for him; I’ve moved way beyond that and I have surrendered to Him in this season. But there was something keeping me from something, and that’s all I knew. I wondered why he and I were bonding so differently and so slowly, and why he didn’t love me the way he loved her! Is it because we are not blood-related? Talk about feeling like a bull in a china cabinet bucked to and fro by my frustrations!

And please don’t misunderstand these mixed emotions for jealousy because I truly am not jealous; rather I am a bit envious of what they share. Incidentally, I happen to really love this woman, Bryden’s fraternal grandmother, and we are truly becoming good friends who are, I believe, learning from each other!

It was in these short periods that I would catch myself dwelling on the cost of the sacrifice in this season but deep down in my soul, I acknowledged that He allowed it. I could choose to be bitter or choose to be better. Paul tells us in 1st Thessalonians 5:17 to give thanks in all circumstances for this is His will for us.

See, I don’t believe it was/is His perfect will for a child to be born out of wedlock, or in the midst of so much dysfunction – we could discuss the painful situations all day that are endless and happening all around us — but what I know that I know that I know is I can praise Him for what He can do while I’m in this circumstance, in this season of being mama-nana to this wonderfully-engaging and gregarious little boy. So although there are times I just humanly cannot praise Him for this circumstance as I’m in it, I can praise Him for His sovereignty as I’m in it!

Join me Wednesday for some fun memories that we created in this process.

Thoughtfully,

Evinda

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks for joining me today for our Coffee Hour and this life-changing series Nana Holds. It encourages my heart knowing there is you to share it with. As I go out into the world and hear story after story of life happening, my heart hurts over the number of people walking in our very shoes, these shoes that were so uncomfortable at first and needed some serious stretching and breaking in.
Oh, to comfort others with the comfort we’ve been given! Grab your coffee and come on in.

The second week was a bit easier as far as getting into a routine with Bryden, but tougher emotionally as I realized how fragile my husband was. As I look to my journal for a recordation of what was happening, I am shocked at how raw my own emotions were and just how fragile George was, his fragility stretching me beyond my capabilities, causing me to rely on our God more than ever. As I rewind to that period of time, I certainly wouldn’t give me an A in the area of compassion and patience, but I did get a “passing” grade, at least.

We were dealing with raw emotions from all sides and I’m not sure whether it’s fortunate or unfortunate at this point – it felt and still feels unfortunate to us – but Bryden has a lot of family that loves him, including his biological mother, as much as she is capable, and her parents. Talk about issues! So since there isn’t a whole lot that would edify, I’m not going to let anything fly out of my mouth. Maybe someday I’ll have a huge testimony to share when it comes to all of them, but our struggle felt more like major interference as they wanted a piece of little Bry, too! So while we were trying to create some sort of stable environment for him, they were tugging on us, demanding they get to see him too.

As I think about it, all of that struggling led to many good things but the first apparent one was that we realized we were going to have to do something legal in order to protect him and by doing so, we would bring some sort of security to this tough little guy and shield him from others’ craziness and selfishness.

Yes, looking through the second week’s journal entries, the eyes of my heart opened to the reality of the constant threat upon our home and marriage and the cry of my heart was unto Him. I prayed for understanding, strength and a love beyond myself, and His answer often came through this little boy who was now in the habit of saying: “Nana holds,” and soothing my ever-aching soul.

Join me tomorrow for more of this life-changing series,

Evinda

Merry Christmas from our house to yours!

P.S. Join us today for more of breaking free from co-dependency on Blog Talk Radio! www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and thanks so much for taking time to come have coffee with me. Grab your coffee and come on in.
Before I get back to where we left off, let me ask you a question; it’s one that I answered one way in the beginning months of becoming Mama/Nana, and now can honestly answer it another way: Who is more “blessed,” the woman/man who has much, struggles little and has no need for a relationship with Christ, or the woman/man who has less in the way of monetary things, struggles quite often but has this consistent joy, this untouchable peace?

See, in the first few months, I was asking “why” every bit as much as I was seeking Him for the “how.” One of those times I asked why and how came the second week. We were taking a walk around the neighborhood, one of the ways we were learning how to help Bryden spend some of that energy that I so wish I could bottle for George and me, because if I could, I’d be downing a big drink of it toward the end of the day. It’s like about 5:00 or thereafter, my energy has taken flight and it doesn’t return until the next morning! (Now, at about 3:00, I pray for strength for the next shift, the final shift of the day!) Anyway, we had all three of our four-legged kids – both of ours and Bryce’s big four-legged child – and we would attempt to let Bryden take one of the leashes and off we’d go.

We would go down our street, left at the end and head up that street which dead-ends at the golf-course. The first time we did this as we got closer and closer to the golf course, Bryden became more antsy and unsettled and then as we began to pass it, suddenly, out of nowhere, he stopped and began to cry with everything in him. George and I stopped in our confusion and his word collided with my realization of where his sorrow was coming from simultaneously.

See, he and his daddy used to always take a walk with the little red wagon. Bryden would be in the wagon and daddy would pull him; that is until they got to the golf course. Then Bryden would get out and they would both down into the ravine, looking for the golf balls that had erroneously disappeared from a golfer’s view and had gathered down in the wash/ravine. It was like a gold mine down there.

For Bryden, it was ball heaven because his very favorite thing is balls, golf balls, soccer balls, basketballs, baseballs, and let me tell you, he has a God-given talent when it comes to hitting and/or kicking them. Then they would gather them all up and put them in the wagon and make their way back home. A successful hunt was five to ten and an okay night was one to three, but no matter how many they found, Bryden was super thrilled. And we had to keep every one of them. Some went in his toy box in the family room, some in a glass container on the counter in his bathroom, some upstairs in his room, and of course, a few got left in the wagon.

Well, there we were trying to pass the golf course but stopped dead in our tracks. I bent down to reach for him just as he cried out “Daaaaa-deeee. I want my daddy.” I hurried to scoop him into my arms. As I felt my heart break, my mind asked why. Why does a little one have to endure so much sorrow? How does a little one endure so much sorrow and how do I do this, God? How? Somebody show me how.

We began to walk again with me holding him while he cried for a couple of minutes. And as we got away from the place that reminded him of his daddy, he calmed down, and he wanted down. As if it had never happened, he took Sparky’s leash and scurried down the sidewalk and it was all we could do to keep up with him. Inwardly, I was marveling at the new insight I had just received: God had made this little guy tough, resiliently tough and somehow, some way, we were all going to get through this circumstance.

Join me Monday for more of Nana holds, and we’ll return to that question I began our time with today.

Confidently,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to our Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power. I’m so glad you could come by and take a break with me. Grab your coffee and come on in.

As I look back on that first week of being Mama/Nana, it was definitely one of those footprint times when I know the Author and Finisher of our Faith carried George and me, and all of our pain, sorrow and frustration. There’s no need to go into all the gory details and run the risk of glorifying the evil one but what I would like to do is highlight some of the beautiful moments that shone through more brilliantly than all the pain and sorrow. They are moments that bring so many of the promises of God to life within our home and definitely deeply into this circumstance.

And in the midst of living in those moments, there were lessons learned along the way, again, lessons that bring to life the Holy Spirit inspired Word of God, promises that have led us through the most painful part of this circumstance to victory in many areas of our lives. See, He has warned us that we will have tribulations in this world, but He has already overcome them. I don’t know why I am always so surprised by His creativity, His sovereignty that accomplishes so much with one circumstance, but I am and I continue to be awestruck, captured by His characteristics in a way that ties so many knots in my string of faith along the way that I, by His grace, shall never come unraveled in my faith. I may have trouble finding my joy sometimes, and there may be days where I have to stir really hard to bring it up to the surface that it may come out and splash others, but I know too much to go back and too much of HIS Word, too many of HIS promises have come to fruition in my own life for me to unravel!

In the midst of the pain, sorrow, frustration and confusion, I was preparing for our holiday event “Living outside Your Circumstances.” Wow, did He ever prepare me that I may comfort others with the comfort I’ve been given. And in my research, I found some diamonds, big diamonds, Girls! I think they will sparkle so beautifully in any circumstance you may be going through and I’m excited to share them with you. The first diamond I discovered is within the word tribulation and I have to tell you as I dug for a deeper understanding, it became so much easier to keep an eternal perspective in our current circumstance, aka, tribulation.

Tribulation translates to “thlipsis” in Greek and primarily means “a pressing, pressure, anything which burdens the spirit and is often accompanied by anguish.” Hang on with me here because this gets better. So the root word for tribulation is actually a sort of sifting machine, a machine that goes and sifts the bad from the good by applying pressure!

There it is; the 10-karat diamond that sparkles with truth that shows us that circumstances/tribulations can work for our eternal good by sifting out the bad, separating it from the good, if we let them!
Please join me tomorrow for the beginning of the highlights of the moments that nearly took our breath away and etched in our hearts their revelations and lessons.

Marveling at His handiwork,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me today. I enjoy sharing this time with you. Grab your coffee and come on in. We’re at the dinner table and the dreaded question is about to be asked.

Since Bryce wasn’t there, I got to help Bryden wash his hands before dinner. I picked him up and carried him to the kitchen sink and proceeded to teach him how to wash his hands, really wash his hands. He is such a good little student and to this day, that little boy doesn’t just skim soap on his hands, but he puts his little hands together and goes round and round, on the inside first and then the outside! That was my first smile of the day. We were going to get through this.

Little kids are incredibly intuitive in an uncanny sort of way. Dinner was a little quiet, and we were running low on the physical and emotional energy required to try and get Bryden to eat. It was almost like he could sense he was about to get some bad news and he lost his appetite. After several attempts to get him to eat, finally he just blurted out what he wanted to know all along, probably since the minute he stepped foot in the door: “Where’s my daddy?”
I didn’t gasp or anything, but I did hesitate. I caught George’s eyes and I swear they looked a bit glassy. He couldn’t do it. I spoke up very matter-of-factly: “Daddy’s at a new job so he won’t be home for a while.”

“A new job?” he asked.

“Yup, Daddy’s at a new job, the biggest job of his life.” I held my breath.
He seemed to accept that and finished his dinner while I exhaled my relief. George and I didn’t have much of an appetite so didn’t finish our dinner but cleaned up while Bryden watched a little T.V. He seemed perfectly content and okay with what I had told him and so bath time was fun as usual, and I played with him as if everything were okay, because in my heart of hearts, I had to believe that it would be, one day, some day.

We went downstairs and played hide-N-seek for a few minutes; then we settled him down with a book or two. Then it was time for bed and – sorry, I’m starting to cry as I remember this one – normally he would say, “Daddy holds” just before me putting him to bed but tonight, the first night of many that daddy was not around to hold his son, Bryden said these words for the very first time: “Nana holds!”

Our bond was beginning to form.

Join me Monday for more of Nana Holds.

Evinda

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour and thanks so much for having coffee with me! Grab your coffee and come on in for more of this transparent series, Nana Holds! We have just a few hours before Bryden gets home and finds out his daddy won’t be coming home.

I think I understand what the term “auto pilot” means now because that’s what it felt like for the rest of the day. I did what I had to do and didn’t even remember doing it. It was like my body was there, but my mind and heart were looking up and waiting for the next instruction.

The funny thing is, through a series of silent instructions, more of the pieces of the painful puzzle of my step-son’s life appeared in the picture, bringing clarity which brought understanding. And though the pain was intense, especially for my husband, understanding went a long way in soothing it.
And while I did look for some eternal value immediately, I must confess I wasn’t happy. In fact, the more reality settled into my head about all the sacrificing required for this situation, the more I resembled Bryden in one of his fits, on my back, kicking and screaming. Oh, was I ever unlearned with it comes to not acting out of control despite my world feeling out of control!

Daddy Holds!

George came home and my heart broke for him. Not only was he in extreme emotional pain, but he was in a tremendous amount of physical pain as well. Stress has a way of doing that, pinching nerves, and manifesting itself in all kinds of hideous ways and by the time he had come home, he could barely move his head to the left because of a pinched nerve!

We had talked several times throughout the day, so he was aware of the many answers to the many unasked questions, but honestly, he was aging before my eyes. I tried to comfort him as best as I could, reminding him that God definitely had intervened in our son’s life, and the only way to go from this point was up, if he chose to do so. I felt in my gut then, and still do now, that God was going to use this tragedy for Bryce’s triumph in a way that only He could.


My hubby wasn’t able to see that right away though, or maybe he could, but it wasn’t at the forefront of his thoughts. No, his heart ached, longing to pull his son out of the murky waters he had put himself in and protect him from the ramifications from his own choices. Oh, did I ever feel his pain and I so wished I could take it  from him, but I have been through this before and I understand that while it is incredibly painful, that this is/was something we were going to have to walk through together and I was truly thankful he didn’t have to go through it alone.

Shortly after George came home, Suzanne brought Bryden home. It’s a blur, exactly what we did first, but I think we just played with him for a little while before dinner. I think I was still sort of on auto pilot. It wasn’t until we were sitting down for dinner that the question finally came, the one I had been anticipating and trying not to dread . . .

Join me tomorrow for more.

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and thanks for joining me for a little break. I’m excited to be back with this series, Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and come on in!

Just to recap, we left off with me transparently sharing about the perception I have of myself as it relates to children, which has been fairly negative, and I hinted that I thought God would be using little Bryden to change that perception. And then I think I closed the last post in this series with a confession: that my attitude was definitely changing for the better, and I was beginning to be more comfortable with this little two-year-old in our home and not look so much like him when he is throwing a fit!

But then something happened that literally changed all of our worlds. On June 8th, we received a phone call that changed our family dynamic, and was, to put it mildly, a family crisis that left our little grandson Bryden without a daddy for an unknown period of time. I remember feeling a sense of relief because I knew that our Father had brought the truth to the light and that though the days ahead would be tough, this was a new beginning for my stepson.

Daddy Holds!

That relief was short-lived because later that day, a terror-like feeling gripped me, nearly choking me as the gravity of the reality hit: George and I were now to be parents to this little two-year-old. As I stood there in the silence, I began to try and think through all that this meant, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around it in that moment. Though I could see some eternally-valued things, I couldn’t hold on to the eternal perspective. It was just too much for me in my flesh.

My world, as I knew it, was coming to an abrupt stop; everything about it required redirection for now it was really no longer all about me and my agenda, “my ministry,” but all about a two-year-old and his little soul. This was going to require more of me and yet less of me at the same time for there was no way I could do this in my own strength.
Finally, I began to think about someone else besides myself: little Bryden. As I anticipated him looking for his daddy.

Later that evening, around dinner time, I fell to my knees, the tears coming from the depth of my soul. “Whatever am I going to tell him when he asks where his daddy is?” This is what I heard:
“Tell him he’s at a new job, the biggest job of his life.”

With a strength that was not in me or of me, I stood and embraced the rest of the day, rehearsing the words given to me while on my knees.

Join me tomorrow for Bryden’s response.

Evinda

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

It’s a beautiful day and a great time for a coffee break! Grab your coffee and come on in and let me share some poignant realizations that this season of Nana Holds is revealing.
As I rewind this part of the movie of my life, I see some changes, and though they’ve been almost unbearably slow, at least I am able to see them despite all that I am still working through.
In the beginning, when his daddy brought Bryden to live with us, he looked at me as though I were an alien. It’s as if his little child-sized intuition kicked into overdrive and announced to him that I wasn’t so kid-friendly, especially in a living situation.
Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t like kids; I do, but I think I’ve always kept them at a distance, albeit subconsciously, but there definitely seems to be some sort of wall that divides the child in me from other children. I don’t know if the foundation of this wall began to erect after my childhood experiences. Who and what is the builder of this internal silent wall? All I know is it is there, but something tells me that Bryden is going to hurdle that wall and tear it down.

As I confess this, another truth comes to the surface, and that is, this wall doesn’t erect with all children; it only appears with the children in my inner world, like all of my grandchildren, and even with the little ones of my closest friends. It’s not that I turn into some monster; I really don’t. And I’m certainly not saying that I don’t love them with everything I can, because I do and I am. It’s just there, this indescribable something that prevents – I can’t even put my finger on what it prevents, or at least I wasn’t able to in the first few months of this season that we have been talking about.
I’m sharing this with you now because something tells me these realizations are going to be significant in this season of Him entwining the little life of Bryden so tightly into ours, and as He does that, He will change the perception I have of myself as it relates to kids.

If I had to describe another change I see, I’d have to do so like this: For many months, instead of being on my knees in total surrender, picture me on my back with my feet in the air, kicking and screaming like a petulant toddler! See, I didn’t want to be a mommy again; been there, done that, got the hat, mug, T-shirt, bathrobe and slippers. Don’t want to do it again! The kicking and screaming magnified as though on steroids when his daddy made a few more bad choices that changed life for everyone, but that’s for later on in this series.

Now I see someone more surrendered to this season, letting go of most of my resentments as well as my agenda and trading all that for His will. Notice I said “most” of my resentments. Again, I transparently share from my heart so as it changes, He will be given all the glory!
There is so much more to share in this series, but we are going to put Nana Holds on hold for a while, that is until after our next event because there are many significant aspects of this circumstance that I will be sharing in our Living Outside our Circumstances workshop! Join me Monday for a new series called The Adulterous Woman!
Transforming,
Evinda