Nana Holds

Thanks so much for joining me for a little break today at Chicklit Power! It’s so good to be sharing coffee and memories with you! Grab your coffee and come on in. We left off about our discussion of a backpack and matching lunch pail for big boy school!

So that’s how we’d start the day, discussing which backpack and matching lunc pail he was going to get when he was all potty trained and ready for big boy school. Then I’d put a pull-up on him, get him dressed and give him kisses with a reminder to tell Nana when he had to go potty so we could begin to prepare for big boy school.

And we were also using one other bribery tool: coins! He loves coins. Every time he made bubbles, he would get to take two coins out of the little glass jar that I set on the tank of the toilet. Then he would run into his room to add his two coins to his piggy bank. But the real bribe was for him to go number 2 in the potty! We told him he could have a whole handful of coins out of Papa’s bank when he pooped in the potty.

It’s funny how that started, too, now that I think about it. He used to see Papa’s change in his bank and he’d just stick his hand in it and take some change without asking. Well, rather than scold him, we told him every time he went poo-poo in the potty, we’d let him come into Papa’s closet and take a big handful of coin out of his bank. (That way he earned the money and wasn’t just taking it!)

It took what felt like a long time – a few weeks but I’ll never forget the first time he did it. He was acting like he had the urge so I set him on the potty and told him I’d be right back. I ran upstairs for something – I don’t even remember now – and I had just made it into my bathroom and I heard: NAAAAAAAAANA! I did it. I went poo-poo in the potty! I ran downstairs so fast I just know I missed every second step and flew into the bathroom to verify his announcement!

Sure enough, there it was! Holy cow! It really worked and it continued to work. I love rewinding the memories of when he would get to go into papa’s closet and reach for his bank and take a handful of coins.

We’d pick up Papa’s bank together, put it on the floor, and Bryden would kneel down on his knees and get as comfortable as he could stand it. Then he would stick his whole hand in there, and dig ever so deeply into at least eight inches of coins – I’ve had to fill it three times – and he’d bring his hand up ever so slowly so as not to lose any of his hard-earned coins.

Before they began to spill, I’d say, “Use both hands so you don’t lose any.”

He’d put his other hand right next to the coin-packed one and let a few spill into his empty hand and they we would scurry into his room to transfer the coins into his very own piggy bank!

Oh, I treasure those moments of turning potty-training into praise! I marvel at the gift of second chances, of unexpected opportunities for do-overs! We serve a loving and creative God!

Join me tomorrow for our Power Friday!

Evinda

Nana Holds!

Welcome back to more of Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and come on in.

So these emotional tug-of-wars with various ropes would last a few days each time he came back from his grandma who he calls mommy and while struggling to understand some of what I was feeling and why I was feeling it, I showed up sort of on automatic. It’s not that I didn’t want to care for him; I’ve moved way beyond that and I have surrendered to Him in this season. But there was something keeping me from something, and that’s all I knew. I wondered why he and I were bonding so differently and so slowly, and why he didn’t love me the way he loved her! Is it because we are not blood-related? Talk about feeling like a bull in a china cabinet bucked to and fro by my frustrations!

And please don’t misunderstand these mixed emotions for jealousy because I truly am not jealous; rather I am a bit envious of what they share. Incidentally, I happen to really love this woman, Bryden’s fraternal grandmother, and we are truly becoming good friends who are, I believe, learning from each other!

It was in these short periods that I would catch myself dwelling on the cost of the sacrifice in this season but deep down in my soul, I acknowledged that He allowed it. I could choose to be bitter or choose to be better. Paul tells us in 1st Thessalonians 5:17 to give thanks in all circumstances for this is His will for us.

See, I don’t believe it was/is His perfect will for a child to be born out of wedlock, or in the midst of so much dysfunction – we could discuss the painful situations all day that are endless and happening all around us — but what I know that I know that I know is I can praise Him for what He can do while I’m in this circumstance, in this season of being mama-nana to this wonderfully-engaging and gregarious little boy. So although there are times I just humanly cannot praise Him for this circumstance as I’m in it, I can praise Him for His sovereignty as I’m in it!

Join me Wednesday for some fun memories that we created in this process.

Thoughtfully,

Evinda

Nanna Holds -Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me today for a little break. I enjoy having Coffee Hour with you and sharing this powerful series, Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and come on in.

So as we pull into our garage, his sad little voice pulls me out of my emotional tug-of-war: “We’re home.” Those were the sweetest words I’d heard all day, and they went a long way in soothing my troubled soul and pulling me out of and away from these unfamiliar emotions that were bringing a lot of questions to the surface of my mind. At least he still considered this home, I thought.

Sparky was pretty excited to see little Bryden; but the little princess Baraka, now called Baraka-Evinda, was standing back, still not adjusted to having to share our affections, and therefore, not really a fan of little Bryden , yet. We began to make our way into the laundry room, me behind him, but he didn’t want me to hold him; rather, he wanted to walk in all by himself.

I brought in all of his stuff while he sat on the floor with his blanket and his new book, turning the page once in a while, captivated by the voice of the one he just left, the one he had bonded with as though she were mommy.

I busied myself with putting all his stuff away, the stuff he left with and now more new stuff from his Grandma, Papa, and Tauntie Bre! This child wants for nothing; trust me, at least materially speaking! As I put his clothes away and his new toys, and a new hat, and slippers, too, the emotional wrestling match continued on in my mind and traveled into my heart. On one hand I was so grateful that God had surrounded this little guy with many people who love him so much and I was and continue to be amazed at how resilient he is, though I question how long that will last. And that’s not being pessimistic; just realistic.

I was also grateful that just when we needed it most, there was someone to take him for a couple days, or a week, and extend to us a bit of a break. As I write this, the emotional tug-of-war reveals one rope, the rope of guilt for needing a break. His other grandma always says she would take him to live with her; in fact, she wants that very much and cries every time she leaves him, but she knows that his daddy needs to be able to see him and be daddy to him as much as is possible for his recovery and restoration.

Another huge rope in this emotional tug-of-war is coming to the surface, though I can’t quite make out its purpose, its definition and why it keeps wrapping around my heart and mind causing me anguish, bringing questions to the surface more and more consistently so much so that I know I will one day have to answer them after going deeper with Him!
Join me next week for more of this revealing season of Nana Holds!
Evinda

Nanna Holds -Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thank you so much for joining me for more of Nana Holds! Grab your coffee and come on in for more life-changing revelations in this season of parenting our grandson.

Something that was beginning to ring more true is that while we may not create our circumstance, we do create our environment in our circumstances! George and I were adjusting to our new season, and it amazed us how well Bryden seemed to be adjusting, especially each time we would go visit his daddy at his “job,” and when they would say good-bye, Bryce would kiss him, tell him he loved him and had to go back to work. Bryden seemed to understand that and it was rare that he would be sad as we would drive away.

As I talk about good-byes, it reminds me of someone he had a very, very hard time saying good-bye to, and that’s his Grandma , his daddy’s mom, whom he called Mommy and to this day, there is still some confusion for him, though not near as much.

See, she was like a mommy to him and they bonded in the way mommies and children bond. Grandma filled that void for him, and so their relationship is incredibly special. Anytime we would get him back from her, it was a little heart-wrenching, but this one time, the wrench kept turning and tweaking my heart and I begged it to stop. She put him in his
car seat in my car, talked with him for a few and she did a good job not letting him see her cry, but he wasn’t holding his tears back. It about ripped my heart out, but it stirred up something else, too, and it wasn’t jealousy. First, I recognized the emotional pain of this circumstance that put this little boy in a different kind of nurturing situation, that of being nurtured and parented by his grandparents — all of us — his confusion of one of them being his grandma instead of his mommy. I mean all of that is easy to see, feel and even understand.

But getting back to this particular instance, she had given him one of those books you create yourself with pictures and pre-recordings to tell you own story. As we began to leave the parking lot, he held on to it, clutching it as if it were her. He was so incredibly sad that it overwhelmed me with many unfamiliar emotions. As I pulled onto the freeway to begin the drive home, I looked at him through my rear-view mirror and the sadness I saw take up residence on his face just did something to me. Today was a sad, sad day.

And while I was sad for him, I also became internally angry and frustrated, and I wrestled with varying emotions the whole drive home as I listened to the love pouring out of this homemade story book made just for Bryden. Over and over he’d play a couple of pages, obviously his favorite ones, and they definitely soothed his little soul because by the time we made it to our off-ramp, he was fast asleep!

Join me for more tomorrow,

Evinda

Nanna Holds -Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thank you so much for joining me for a little coffee break at Coffee Hour! Grab your coffee and come on in for a few minutes.

I left off with Bryden’s daddy’s graduation from the first phase of his program. I am returning there because there were a couple of poignant moments I want to try and recapture for you. Bryce was sitting in the row ahead of us with the other guys who were also graduating and we were right behind him. Well, Bryden had found a nice big piano which kept him entertained for a few minutes, marveling at the concept of pushing a key down and it makes a noise sometimes pretty and soemitimes… well, not so pleasing to the ear! Soon he wasn’t content with that. He wanted to sit with his daddy. So down he went and up he climbed, announcing as if no one else were in the room that he wanted to sit on his daddy’s lap. All this was happening while one of the directors was welcoming us all to the graduation.

Hmmm, what to do? Pick him up and take him out and cause an even bigger stink, or just let him be and see if he would settle down? This question went around in my head while a hot flash trickled down my back!

Just about the time I was going to reach for him, the director asked us to stand. I watched Bryce stand with his little boy in his arms and it was as though they were one. With his head on his daddy’s shoulder and a one-of-a-kind look of contentment on his face, he clung to his daddy. It was the sweetest picture of a little boy hanging on to his daddy, eyes sweetly closed, an angelic look on his face that comes with contentment, when all else is right with the world because of who you’re with.

The director began to pray, and Bryden let us know he was listening with a resounding “Amen” at the end. The sound of laughter erased my prior question, at least for the time being, and we sat down to listen as the director explained what the graduates had to do to get where they were today.

Then we got to hear from each of the graduates as they gave a quick testimony of what being in the program had done for them thus far. I just knew George was practically holding his breath waiting to see his son stand up in front of a crowd and speak, no matter what he said or how he said it, because George’s greatest fear is speaking in front of others. In fact, he has warned me to never invite him up to the stage to speak at one of our events.

Bryce didn’t disappoint and delivered quite well, even making us laugh through the tears as he shared the sovereignty of how God had intervened in his life just in time and how he just wanted to concentrate on getting healthy and learn how to have a relationship with this God he had been running from , the one his dad had been trying to introduce him to for years.

That’s when the final poignant moment of this day happened, when I recognized the elation I was feeling was similar to when my own son had stood before us and declared his commitment to sobriety, and to God. God was blending our family, one child at a time and I couldn’t have been more proud of him if he were my biological son!

Join me Wednesday for more!

Smiling,

Evinda

Nana Holds

Thanks for joining me today for more of this life-changing series, Nana Holds. At least it’s changing my life and I pray that if there are any other nanas out there entrusted to care for their grandchild or grandchildren that they would be greatly encouraged through these words. Grab your coffee and come on in. We were at our first court appearance but we are not alone.

Though the courthouse is anything but unfamiliar to me, the thought of being on the other side of the bench was not a comforting one. Being in the court-reporting chair and being at counsel’s table before the court is definitely two different experiences! But let me tell you what happens before we get there.

I was trying to think of a name to give Bryden’s mom out of respect for her privacy and the first thing I thought of was BM for biological mom, but I better not do that because it could also stand for something else and that wouldn’t be very nice:)  We’ll just call her bio mom.

She came toward us and was very cordial. She seemed a bit anxious, as we all were, but nothing out of the ordinary.

What was somewhat out of the ordinary is the amenable attitude towards us, considering the situation. I mean, we are literally saying we don’t believe she should get custody of her son so I’m sure you can imagine how awkward it was, or at least could have been.

But she seemed to have sanity wrapped around her, at least for the days surrounding this process, and as the Court questioned her, she responded, and quite confidently, that considering the circumstances, and in light of where she was living — she was staying with her grandma who lives in a seniors only apartment complex and no children are allowed — the best place for her son to be was with us. “However, she said, I do have a declaration I’d like to file in rebuttal.”

I could tell the Court was trying to hide her disregard for bio mom’s ignorance of court rules and procedures as she looked up and matter-of-factly replied, “Then I suggest you get it filed according to the rules of Court before the next court date because I can’t look at it until it is.”

I turned my head to hide my internal smirk that I just know was about to bust outward and then looked back again as the Court declared: “This court awards temporary guardianship of Bryden Lepins to George and Kim Lepins. The next court date to establish permanent guardianship is September 24th. Thank you very much.”

I turned to George and he and I smiled at the irony of the court date. We would be appearing before Her Honor on my husband’s birthday!

Join me Wednesday for more of Nana Holds.

Rejoicing,

Evinda



P.S. Join me and Steve today at www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power for more on breaking free from co-dependency!

Nana Holds

Thanks for joining me for a little break at Coffee Hour! We are officially into 2013 with the first day back to school, and the return to work after the holiday. Oh, these little coffee breaks are so important. Grab your coffee and come on in.

As the weeks turned into months, in the background the paperwork to become Bryden’s legal guardian began. I have to share how that started, though, because it was nothing short of a divine appointment. It happened because of a deposition I reported.

My office had sent me to this particular job because it was a new client – I think they think I have PR skills, but actually, I just like to talk with them and ensure great service. Anyway, there we were, in the midst of the deposition and our new client was firing away with his questions. His client was sitting beside him and on the other side was this young woman who with every answer was sounding more and more like Bryden’s biological mother. It wasn’t of course, but her issues were like those of his mom. It was through the course of the questioning that a light went on in my head and then my heart. I wasn’t there just to report this deposition; I was there to retain this attorney for he specialized in guardianship matters, and he was a fellow believer!

After the deposition was complete, and the witness was long gone, I told our new client of my situation and before I left, I met with his paralegal and the process officially began!

Here’s the super crazy thing about that: Just the day before, I had gone to the courthouse, found out where to go, stood in line, spoke with the person at the window and thereafter walked out with a stack of paperwork an inch thick! No exaggeration. With every step I took to my car, I became more and more overwhelmed with this mountain of paperwork. It was another one of those moments where I looked up and said, “Really?” Even though I knew in my gut we had to do this to protect little Bryden, all I could see was this mountain of paperwork and I can get really overwhelmed with things like this. I am not a procrastinator by nature, but this is the sort of thing I tend to put off like it was the plague.

I got back to my car and I knew what I needed to do. I needed to find someone who could complete this paperwork. It was going to be vital to my sanity. I’d rather work an extra deposition or two and keep my sanity, and not put the sanity of everyone else who is in my world at risk, rather than have to plow through the inch-thick stack of questions and take the risk of missing something or answering something incorrectly because of a lack of understanding.

So I did some checking on my smart phone (definitely smarter than me in some things!)  What an amazing thing, this technology stuff where you can receive answers at the snap of a finger just about! Anyway, I had actually found a paralegal that was close by and made an appointment to meet with him in just two days.

But God had another plan and intervened the very next day! I just love it when He shows up like that!
Join me tomorrow – oops, Wednesday for more of Nana holds. Tomorrow I have a special invitation for you!

Smiling,

Evinda

P.S. Please join me and Steve today at 1:00 Pacific time for our Blog Talk Radio show. We are talking about breaking free from the most silent yet loud disease of co-dependency. Even if you think it doesn’t concern you, tune in with us. You’d be surprised! www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power

Nana Holds From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Happy New Years’ Eve day! Thanks for taking the time to join me today for a little break. Grab your coffee and come on in for more of those significant moments in this journey with a very special little boy!

So life was settling into some sort of “normal” routine and the realizations that come with this huge responsibility were also taking root in our lives. We were learning the importance of follow-through with this little guy, which you cannot really put an amount on, because it depends on the situation. We weren’t trying to exasperate this little guy, though at times he did exasperate us! The truth is we both have learned from our original parenting experiences and both of us know too much now to parent blindly and not follow through with directions and/or some sort of discipline and/or consequence for bad behavior.

Time out became our weapon of choice and as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, time out happened less and less. Don’t get me wrong; we weren’t any kind of drill sergeants, and I can hear you saying, “poor little guy has had it so rough.” You are right; he has but we know that we know that we know that to discipline him was/is to love him. The key was doing it without anger! To let him run amuck was not going to be doing him any favors in his

future, nor anyone else for that matter. Besides, we get to see the result of his mom and her parents not parenting him every time he comes home from a visit with them. And I don’t say that to be disrespectful; that’s what they know, or I should say all they know, but George and I have received more tools and we are accountable for what we have learned.

Every time he came home from a visit with them, we noticed a couple of things right away: He was very, very aggressive and often mean and his listening skills had diminished somewhat. All of that would require an attitude adjustment. At first it took a couple of days for the adjustment, and that was with me, George and Suzanne doing the adjusting. (We’ve actually got that adjusting period down to about thirty minutes!) My new prayer became: “Give me the mind of a two-and-a-half-year-old.” And it worked! God heard my cry and that’s exactly what began to happen. We were able to parent/discipline him with patience wrapped up with love.

Yes, while Bryce is working at his new job, God is working in this house through this little boy, separating what is bad from what is good and leaving us more complete, more Christ-like!
Have a safe and memorable New Years’ Eve and be sure and come back tomorrow for my New Years’ wish for you! We’ll pick up with Nana Holds next week because we have our first W0W (Weapons of Warfare and Words of Wisdom) of 2013 on Wednesday!

Blessings to you,

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me today for a little break. I earnestly hope you enjoyed your CHRISTmas and that you made memories to cherish for years to come. Grab your coffee and come on in.

Something I didn’t mention up until now is the internal struggle I was having about giving up my weekends with my hubby. I mean, I was doing it, but there was definitely a struggle. My social world suddenly shrunk and it was like we were somewhat isolated and while I enjoy isolation I also like to nurture my/our friendships. Marriages are life-sized mirrors and friendships are like mini mirrors that reflect both the good and the not-so-good in us. Anyway, after several weeks of receiving a few invitations to do things and having to decline – I was actually able to laugh a bit about it when I heard myself say “We have to get a babysitter” – we received yet another one from a girlfriend and friend of CPM and she invited us to attend a car show with her and her husband and then back to their house for dinner.

Well, my hubby loves car shows but my first reaction was to decline, yet again. I reminded her and me that we had Bryden now and I was about to enter into my own pity party when her words pulled me out: “Well, bring him. We’ll find something for him to do.”

So that’s what we did and I’ll always treasure her insistence that we get together and her persistence in seeing it through.

We had an amazing time and Bryden was definitely the center of attention and no one seemed to mind! He was absolutely adorable, engaging and endearing.

My two girlfriends and I were outside in Teresa’s little haven she created all within an EZ Up. It was/is so tastefully done with a comfy couch, a couple of chairs, a coffee table, some potted plants and flowers everywhere, soft lighting, and for the background sound effects, she had a garden-sized water fall sculpture. It’s a great place to sit and read, or talk as was our case.

So there we were, in the midst of a passionate conversation about something and here comes

this little man in a toddler’s body with his hand outstretched and wearing an incredible sense of pride as he handed over what had to be the largest rose I’d seen in a long, long, long time! And talk about leaving me speechless! Why in the world and how in the world could he do something so sweet for me? It was something too hard to fathom, though I reveled in the beauty of it for some time that evening, in between the giggles and fits of laughter inspired by Bryden.

Both couples seemed to truly be enjoying him and didn’t act annoyed in the least that we didn’t get a babysitter for him and brought him along. It was an awesome time that evening and for the first time in weeks, I remember thinking, maybe there’s life after all with a two-and-a-half-year-old!

Have an amazing day…

Evinda

Nana Holds-From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Happy day after Christmas! I don’t know about you, but this day after Christmas, all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch and watch movies all day! After we have our little coffee break, of course! Thanks for stopping by! Grab your coffee and come on in.

So just a few weeks after Bryden’s daddy’s “promotion,” he called us to share with us that he was getting baptized and that we could come if we wanted to. They were conducting the baptisms at a beach almost two hours away. (For the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the beach!%^&*()_) )

I smiled from the inside out as reality permeated from my mind to my soul. The transformation was continuing and this public confession was going to be like none I had ever seen before. A baptism in the ocean!

Bryce Baptized!

Bryden was visiting his grandparents on his mother’s side so we didn’t have him with us that weekend, which is probably a good thing because I don’t know that he would have been able to handle his daddy going way out there with the crashing waves and then being pushed down under! Oh, but we did, with joy and thankful hearts. The four and a half hour drive for that one hour was definitely worth it. It’s what parents do; it’s what the Bride of Christ does, comes alongside and cheers, supports and encourages steps that bring one closer to Christ Himself.

The next couple of weeks held some more poignant moments that worked like softener on my heart which unbeknownst to me was a bit hard when it comes to loving and being loved uninhibitedly. Bryden was enjoying going to church and being with others close to his age. An added bonus was Donald and Suzanne began going to our church so he got to be with his little playmates on Sunday mornings, too. These things all added up to give him a sense of “normal.” The seeds of the things of God began to plant in his little heart as well and we continued to water them with nighttime prayers which he began to repeat almost word for word after only a few weeks. Sweet little sponge!

Flowers from Bryden

Sundays after church we would go out to breakfast down the street. Boy does that little guy love pancakes, especially with lots of syrup! But one Sunday, on our way back to the truck, Bryden suddenly became preoccupied with something. I turned to see Papa stopped, watching him as he bent over and yanked with all of his might a little clump of flowers. I almost told him not to pick the pretty flowers, and then I remembered the one time he and his dad had come in from playing. Bryden had a flower and he, ever so sweetly, walked toward me with his hand outstretched holding his flower with pride and said, “Here Nana,” while his dad looked on with a rare smile.

History has a way of repeating itself, and that’s not always a bad thing, because Bryden, when he had conquered the desire of his heart, walked over to me ever so sweetly, innocently and joyfully and with his hand outstretched and a smile on his adorable little face  hesaid, “Here, Nana!” I bent down to hug him and exclaim how beautiful the flowers were, that Nana had never seen anything more beautiful! Again, I felt something in my heart move, almost like fingers molding clay . . .

Join me tomorrow for more!

Joyfully,

Evinda