Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to give yourself a little break and join me for more of Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and let’s go down that river of “Denial”!
That is the next category of this relationship infection, aka, co-dependency. There are only three symptoms but each one runs deep and may require you to rewind the movie of your life!
“Do you feel yourself denying the basic problems in your family?” Oh, how I swam up this river in my son’s adolescence and I’m so grateful to be in His boat of grace floating down the river of Live instead of Denial. My answer was and is no. In fact, at times, I can be somewhat hypersensitive about “basic problems” in our family and I have to pull the reins in on my emotions so I don’t get ahead of God, or think I’m going to go ahead of Him.
I can hear you asking, “Well, what are the ‘basic’ problems in a family?” I’m so glad you asked. I feel like the host of “Family Feud.”:) Survey says – oops, before we get to what the survey says, we need to identify what kind of family. See, there’s two-parent family, a single-parent family with the other active in child’s or children’s lives, and then there’s the single-parent without any sort of co-parent. Then there are adoptive families and step-parent families. Believe it or not, the top basic family problems are not family-specific; they are all universal! Now, survey says: Co-dependence – see, this is a real problem! — Communication problems – this leads to poor conflict resolution — domestic violence, anger, addiction, divorce, illness, in-law challenges, infidelity, financial difficulties or excesses – hmm, excess is interesting, but think about it; money solves but also starts problems! Then there’s the inability to forgive; and finally, sexual abuse.
Wow, and that is not an exhaustive list and I don’t believe they are in the correct order. These are the “basic” family problems that are knocking on our doors and entering our homes at a pace faster than I’ve ever been able to run. They are real problems and they have real solutions!
Join me Monday for another category of symptoms in this relationship infection. Remember, we can’t treat a symptom if we are unaware!
Joyfully,
Evinda

Nana Holds!

P.S. Tomorrow is already the 1st of the month, so it’s WOW time again!

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July 30th, 2013

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thanks for joining me for more revelations inspired by and through this season of Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and come on in.
I hope you are not scratching your head and wondering why in the world is she spending so much time on this infection thing and its symptoms! This is the foundation of this whole series, the why, the how. All of us could use help in the area of relationships so if this is not really speaking to you in your relationships, take a minute and think of someone you know who is struggling in this area. In the meantime, hang in here with me and trust that there will be a diamond for you sparkling through a symptom and/or the discussion that follows thereafter.
The next category is rage. Wow, as I write that word, something on the inside of me sort of clenches. So many of us shy away from anger or shut down if someone is venting their anger on or toward us. Many of us have come to believe we shouldn’t be angry; that it’s a sin. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Jesus Himself showed anger several times throughout scripture. The key is not to sin in your anger. I didn’t understand this at the time of the event as well as I do now so my answer to “Do you feel persistently angry with your spouse, other family members and/or yourself?” was a not-so-convincing no, with the lean towards “no” based on the words “persistently angry.” I wasn’t persistently angry, but I was persistently frustrated with myself.
Much has happened between that event and now. There was a three-month period where I was consistently angry with my husband, but I will reveal the circumstances surrounding that anger in upcoming segments of this series. Suffice it to say that I have since learned the reason behind my frustration/anger so that answer is more of a confident “no.”
Let’s stay here for just a moment longer. Jesus tells us to not “sin” in our anger; He doesn’t say do not “feel” angry! Do you see the distinction? When you are angry, what do you do? How do you deal with your anger? Let’s return to the symptoms of “rage.”
Are you afraid of losing control if you let yourself get really mad? Are you angry at God? Do you ever get back at others in sneaky ways, perhaps without being fully aware of the behavior at the time?
I asked all of those in one-lump paragraph for the sake of time, but in order to comply with the vision of being a “transparent unpacking production,” I’ll answer them separately. At the time of the event, I was more confident than I had been in months prior of the ability to not lose control in my anger. Maybe because I had, in prior years, worked through my anger with/at God! And as far as getting back at others in sneaky ways, oh, that was the old me for sure. I used to manipulate things in my first marriage, in my parenting, all without being totally aware of doing it, let alone the effects it had on others in my world. I’m so very glad to have accepted the antibiotics from the Great Physician.
Are you in need of a cure for any of these symptoms? Give Him a call. You won’t have to make an appointment; He’ll see you right away!
Joyfully,
Evinda

Nana Holds!

P.S. We’ll pick up with this tomorrow instead of doing our usual Wednesday’s Word!
P.SS If u haven’t stopped by my new website, try and come by today! Keep your sound on… www.evindalepins.com

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July 29th, 2013

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thanks for joining me for more of Nana Holds and all the relevant revelations He’s revealed along the journey with little Bryden, who is now getting so big! Time’s a flying, so let’s get our coffee and come on in.
So we are still in the midst of discovering if we have any of the symptoms of this relationship infection and if so, how many. As I mentioned, there are several categories, two of which we have completed. The next one is “Despair,” so let’s get to it. “Do you feel hopeless about changing the current situation?” My answer then, at the event, and my answer now is sometimes yes; sometimes no. Let me explain.
When Bryden first moved in, I kept telling myself it was only temporary; this is just a temporary sacrifice. But when his daddy made his choices that took him away, I realized in the depths of my soul that this was more than a temporary sacrifice. This was a major Master’s Program and I had better start showing up to class with all I am. As I share this with you, and I search my heart about the future, I can’t feel helpless but I am over trying to figure Him out so I have surrendered to Him in all my current situations. It’s sort of like being in the theatre watching a suspense movie; I think I have an idea how it’s all going to end, but can’t guarantee because people’s choices are involved but He is on the throne of my life. What about you; is there a current situation that you feel hopeless about?
“Do you tend to be pessimistic about the world in general?” Wow, this is a relevant question, especially considering how our world keeps sliding toward that slippery slope of immorality. Seriously, all of us know a Negative Nellie, one who seems to find the negative side in all things. We could spend hours on all the reasons why, but suffice it to say, when Negative Nellie goes to a restaurant, she is ushered to her table like this: Bitter, your table is ready. Bitter, party of 1, your table is ready. See, life is full of trials, circumstances that turn up the heat to enhance the refining process that we may become more Christ like. I’d have to answer that question the same way I did on the day of our event: Though depression threatened to overwhelm me many times, I did not and do not remain pessimistic.
If you answered yes to that question, please email me and let’s have our own coffee hour and talk about ways to overcome that pessimism.
“Do you have a sense of low self-worth or failure that does not reflect your skills and accomplishments?”
Transparency brings clarity and my answer then was yes! I have struggled all my life to see myself as Christ does. He has used many things and many people to reflect His love to me, to be that mirror reflecting how He sees me. It’s taken me a long time to get where I am and as I look back to all the faces of love, the cutest one staring me in the face is the loving face of little Bryden.
Since the event, I have come to a better awareness of my self-worth, from His perspective. I love His gentle ways that have taught me to appreciate the skills and accomplishments He has brought me to and through. What about you; if you were to rate your self-worth on a scale of zero to ten, zero being low, ten being high, where would you be on that scale?
I’ll let you go for now. Join me tomorrow for more of Nana Holds.
Evinda

Nana Holds!

P.S. Don’t forget to join us on the air today at www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power for our talk show on Co-Dependency, that relationship infection, and how to break free from it.
p.s.s. I’d love it if you would stop by my new website and sign my guest book! Since CPM is not a nonprofit, I had to get my own site. Please, come by and let me know you did. Keep your sound up; you’ll b in for a real treat! www.evindalepins.com

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Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklitpower

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thanks so very much for joining me today for more discoveries and revelations from this life-changing series of Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and let’s get back to the fear section of these symptoms of the Relationship infection.
So the next statement we need to look at is this: “Are you afraid to approach others directly, especially when it’s the addict or involves conflict?” Again, I was leaning more toward the no on this, but not quite there. How about you? Did your heart skip a beat when you read the word “conflict”? I know many think that conflict is a negative subject and therefore avoid it like the plague. I will confess to you in my early unpacking stage, I was definitely one of those. However, since He’s removed many of the pieces of my emotional junk, I am learning that conflict can be a character developer and therefore positive, not negative.
How we handle conflict proves this. I’m in no way a pro with this, but I am getting better at allowing Him to guide me through conflict. Resolving conflict involves taming the anxiety before confronting the conflict – easier said than done; praying for wisdom and discernment, leaving emotions out of it as much as possible, and finally, timing! That last one is a doozie; trust me!
I think I’ve received the majority of opportunity to learn this in marriage, but also as Bryden’s guardian/Nana, especially when it comes to dealing with the conflict that inevitably comes to the surface from others who love Bryden. We are each individuals with our own ideals, habits and value systems, each of us doing the best we can with what we have.
This statement is a definite telltale of a symptom of the relationship infection: “Do you avoid taking risks with others because it is hard for you to trust?” As I stood before the friends of CPM, my answer was yes, but I thought it was no! I know, that sounds crazy, but as I share this with you today, I am in the process of processing ( ) a possible risk that my husband is asking me to take and while my spirit is encouraging me to encourage him in this possible venture/risk, my flesh is incredibly anxious! This will involve giving more of me than I’ve given in this – or any other – marriage but as I remind myself that He is my First Husband, my anxieties are put to rest – this is a process I have to repeat over and over and over again.
What about you? Have you denied taking a risk with someone because of your lack of trust, or maybe who you trust? The risk could involve the relationship itself, but anything that involves vulnerability to anything!
And the final statement we need to examine our hearts about is” “Do you often have anxious feelings or worry about what will happen next?” My answer at the time of this event, on Bryden’s 3rd birthday, was definitely “no,” the key word being “often.” But it wasn’t always this way. Fear used to drive many of my feelings which led to actions, actions that usually had a negative effect.
See, there are at least ten verses in the Bible that speak to us about anxiety in such a powerful way as to walk us right past anxiety. One of the shortest, easiest ones to remember is Psalm 56:3: “Whenever I am afraid [anxious], I will trust in You.” (NKJV) This one is a favorite of mine, and I hope it plants in your heart and blossoms in your heart any time anxiety rises, threatening to do you in. Philippians 4:6-8: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.
Join me tomorrow as we tackle the next category of symptoms of the relationship infection. Remember you can’t diagnose the infection if you don’t know the symptoms; wisdom and knowledge bring physical, emotional and spiritual health!
Evinda

Nana Holds!

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Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

It’s a beautiful day! Thanks for taking time out of yours to come visit with me and share more of this life-changing series, Nana Holds. Grab your coffee and come on in.
If it seems as though I’m stuck on our event, it’s because we need to stay here for a while. Why? Because this is the meat of the entire series, Nana Holds: relationships, how to thrive, not strive, in them. So, please, hang with me; I’m certain there will be something you can take from each coffee hour.
With the revelations flying at me almost faster than I could process, I was able to stand before all those who attended this event and confess that God has gone through great lengths to get me to see that I am still infected with this relationship infection and I am humbled at what He’s done to deliver the diagnosis of this infection.
The Word reminds us that He uses ALL things, and I couldn’t help but find the symbolism of my sinus infection, my need for a physician, and my relationship infection and my need for His antibiotics, but first He had to reveal the diagnosis via the symptoms. So what I’d like to do with you today is share a series of statements that we will either agree or disagree with. Consider this the blood test for this relationship infection that I keep referring to, a way to determine if you are infected, and if so, how deeply. Remember, these are relationship-oriented statements, many of them based on being in relationship with someone with an addiction [addiction of any kind, i.e., food, control-not just drugs and/or alcohol], but as you will discover, they really are relevant in all relationships, friendships, etcetera.
There are actually eight categories, so we may not get through all of them today but for sure in our next coffee hour with Nana Holds.
As I share each of the statements, I’ll share what my answer was at the time of this event, and in my journey with little Bryden, and what is now; my hope and prayer is that my transparency will inspire you to freedom in voicing your responses. Don’t over-think them; just go with your initial gut response.
The first category is fear, aka, false expectations appearing real. “Do you become preoccupied with the problems of others [especially those of the addict]? My answer was actually leaning more towards no but I wasn’t quite there yet! I know that doesn’t make much sense, but at this point, I was learning the balance in ministry and truly searching my heart for doing what I now know I’ve been called to do. Today, that answer is an emphatic “no”!
The next statement: “Do you try to keep things ‘under control’ or ‘keep a handle’ on situations?”
My answer on that day was a definite no! I’ve come to learn that “control” is a delusion and since I’ve become a pretty transparent person, I would be kidding myself if I thought I was in control. I’ve learned that nothing knocks HIM off His throne and I’ve come to trust His promises, especially Romans 8:28!
The next one is “Do you take more than your fair share of responsibility for tasks that have to be done?” My answer at that time was yes. If you answered yes to this could it be that it’s just easier, in your mind, to do it yourself so you know that it’s done, and done the way you like it?
I could spend a long, long time on this one, especially as it relates to marriage. Suffice it to say that by and through His grace, I’ve learned to delegate, in ministry, in marriage and in the guardianship of this amazing little boy. In that learning process, my faith is stronger and my trust in Him has increased as I accept that mistakes will happen but His grace will cover them!
Join me Thursday for more discoveries of symptoms of the relationship infection, all because Nana Holds!
Joyfully,
Evinda

Nana Holds!

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Nana Holds-from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

July 22nd, 2013

Nana Holds-from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thanks so much for joining me today as I rewind what I shared at our Revival for Relationships and how that was and is intertwined with this amazing little boy whom God is using to peel back and reveal the layers of behaviors that needed healing. Grab your coffee and let’s get back to the event.
As I stood before the crowd that day, my heart yearned to comfort those who were infected with this same relationship infection that had been coursing through my veins and ruining many of my relationships, unbeknownst to me for much of my life, but brought to the surface of my life in the days, weeks and months that followed all because of my marriage, and Bryden.
Like any other problem, the first step in solving it is admitting it. You can’t admit something you aren’t aware of so let me share the definitions for the word infection: “Invasion by and multiplication of pathogenic microorganisms in a bodily part or tissue, which may produce subsequent tissue injury and progress to overt disease through a variety of cellular or toxic mechanisms. Can also be moral contamination or corruption”!
Now, I don’t know about you, but that last statement is a hum-dinger! The reason I say that is because infections are not part of God’s design in us or for us! See, He is predictable, consistent, loving, unconditional, the parent I never had, my first husband, my provider, my most important relationship! But, it’s been a process to get to those proclamations. It wasn’t always this way!
The crazy thing about this infection: I didn’t even know I had it until four months before this workshop. Don’t get me wrong; I knew I had issues. My marriage continues to reveal that, but when Steve and I started doing our Blog Talk Radio show on co-dependency, that is when I found out how infected I was and I’m so excited to humbly admit that my infection’s harmful bacteria is decreasing more and more each day. Rewinding my life’s movie back to our event in February, I smile with humble thanksgiving at the evidence of His transforming power in my life and hence, in my relationships.
My relationship with Him is what keeps me in this infection-fighting process, His grace bathing me each day as I get closer and closer to relationships Jesus-style!
Join me tomorrow for more life lessons from Nana Holds!
Evinda

Nana Holds!

P.S. Join us today at 1:00 Pacific time for our Blog Talk Radio show on Co-dependency, its symptoms, and how to become symptom free! www.blogtalkradio.com/Chicklit-Power

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July 19th, 2013

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thanks so much for joining me today for Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and more of this life-changing series which I pray will one day become a book that encourages parents who are parenting their children’s children. Grab your coffee and come on in.
So as I stated, if we have any sort of interruption in our childhood wherein acceptance, security and hope are broken, as we get older, to obtain what we deem acceptance, security and hope becomes infectious. The crazy thing is that because of that interruption, our perception is somewhat skewed in this area, we don’t know what those needs really look like if we didn’t get them as children, this can be one of the toughest infections to treat. Another incredibly sad side effect is it affects every single person we try relating to or with! If this infection goes undetected, as mine did for years and years and years, it has the power to destroy our relationships.
As I stood before the friends of CPM, I confessed that it was/is the worst infection I had ever had, running side by side with my sinus infection that put me on steroids for ten days, sending my menopause to a whole new level! Oh, there’s almost always something to laugh about in the midst of a storm!
Incidentally, why is it when we are physically sick we want a cure ASAP? Most of us will usually go to the doctor because we don’t have time to be sick! Maybe I’m singing in my own choir, but I know when I am sick, I want a cure yesterday! This was such a real example to me at this time because I’d been to my doctor once and after one round of antibiotics and thirteen days of little sleep, I’m in urgent care feeling worse than better; I can’t breathe, feel as though I’m going to crawl out of my skin and jump on my broom that had been parked for a while. I was having out-of-body experiences as I felt myself put a harness on my tongue so it wouldn’t lash out at Bryden and/or George. My anxiety’s running high and I admit, I think my hormones are raging along with my sinuses. The physician gave me a shot of anti-anxiety, more antibiotics and off to bed I went! I slept so well! I needed a physician! I wanted to feel better and I wanted it now!
Here’s the crazy revelation: Have you ever heard people suffer from shame when they say: “I have strep,” or “I have the flu”? No, in fact, usually people announce when they are physically sick, at least I do! So why can’t we be as eager for a cure when we are suffering from an emotional/spiritual infection that is harming our significant relationships?
Join me Monday for more about who, what, where and why God is using whom He’s using to teach me priceless lessons in and about relationships!
Joyfully,
Evinda

Nana Holds!

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Tags: antibiotics, anxiety, co-depen

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

July 18th, 2013

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

Thanks for stopping by Coffee Hour @ Chicklitpower. I’m so glad you’re here. Grab your coffee and let’s get back to Revival for Relationships and Bryden’s 3rd birthday!
Oh, how relevant are the things I’ve learned this past year and a half, about myself, Bryden, children in general and the value of relationships. Every one of us is born with a God-sized hole and each of us has the same basic needs: Need for acceptance, security & hope.
Our parents were the representatives for that God-sized hole and if they did not fulfill their role, then how do we allow Him to fulfill that or anyone else? When the needs of acceptance, security and hope are not met, life turns into a mission, a mission of control in search for preservation, protection and sustenance, and if trust has been broken, then we come to trust only that which we can control.
Control in and of itself is a delusion and the less I hang on to it, the more in control I am! I shared about my failed relationships and how I was finally realizing what had destroyed them: what I’ve come to call “the relationship infection.” Every new relationship was a quest, a search for acceptance, security and hope, and if I ever felt that slipping, which happened all the time, I tried to hang on to it even more by trying to control in whatever way I could.
Now I must confess that as I stood before the crowd, I was focused on what I had learned up to that point about myself and had not quite made the connection like I have at this point in the journey, today. But as I wrote that last paragraph, the little face I keep seeing is Bryden and suddenly it clicks: He and I have so much in common, and that’s not to bash his parents or mine. All parties involved were/are working with what they were given in their early years and so the cycle begins. But what I know that I know that I now know by and through experience, and with the help of an amazing book, How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovitch, that these things can be unlearned, a new imprint created. It’s never too late for God.
What a beautiful privilege to be granted: to be part of little Bryden’s framework, and the nurturing, fulfilling his need for acceptance, security and hope. What child doesn’t deserve that? Just because I didn’t get it doesn’t mean I am incapable of giving it. That is the brand new truth that I was just beginning to recognize on Bryden’t third birthday as I stood before the crowd present at our Revival for Relationships workshop!
Join me tomorrow for more,
In His transforming love,
Evinda

Nana Holds!

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Tags: acceptance, audience, chi