Jenn's Journey

Here we are, together again for a few moments on a Monday. Grab a cup of tea or coffee, and read some of my thoughts!

At one point in my life, I did not understand forgiveness. As I've grown older, and maybe a bit wiser through life’s experiences, I have gained more clarity on what it means. I recently had an experience which showed me that I have been granted forgiveness towards a person who has hurt me deeply. The moment it happened, I was completely overcome with emotion.

Forgiveness has been a journey for me. I've spent many nights praying for it. I've read articles, the Bible, and talked with others who've gone through abusive marriages. I struggled to understand how to forgive when the verbal abuse continues for what has seemed an eternity, seven years. Often I'd think I could catch my breath and, bam! I'd get another nasty letter.

I've taken the trench classes to better understand myself, and others. With all of this comes the understanding that forgiveness is not excusing bad or abusive behavior. It is not a free ticket I hand out to an abuser. Instead, it is something that has come gradually.  I have had to let go of my need for a realization from the other party of the wrong done, let alone an apology and change.

It has been very freeing to see the change in myself with these realizations. As you know, if you've followed my blogs, my ex and I went through infertility for five years before adopting our daughter. Within one year of that, he had left me for someone else. He cited one of the reasons for leaving was that I could not bear children. As you can imagine, this was incredibly painful. Those words have echoed in my ears and the pain was refreshed when he went on to have a baby with another woman.  Now, don't get me wrong; I am extremely happy with how I became a mother. It was ordained by God. I am also glad that I was rescued from a terrible marriage. It’s becoming free of anger, and yes, even hatred which has been quite the challenge.

Last week, my daughter got a phone call from her dad right before school. I could hear the conversation and he told her that her baby sister had walked her first steps the night before. My daughter excitedly shared the news with me while still on the phone. My first thoughts were of how happy I was for them all…and how sweet it is to see your child's first steps.

Wait a minute!!! I stopped short, and realized that I felt genuine joy. In the past, I may have rolled my eyes, or had unkind thoughts. In that instant, I realized, I have forgiven him. I do not have the same simmering emotions towards him that I once did. Tears rolled down my face at that moment. I thanked God for the work He has done in me that brought me to this experience.

I realize that I will still have difficult times with this man, and I may even feel anger again. However, there is a weight off my heart and I will be eternally grateful.

If you are on your own journey of forgiveness, take heart. God will grant it to you, and it will be at a moment you least expect it. Keep praying, keep moving forward and see what God will do!

Until next week, be blessed,

Jenn