Man oh man, life is so hard sometimes! There is an old adage that goes, "You can't pick your parents," and that is so true. Thank God that He uses all things for good to those who are called according to His will -- (Romans 8:28) -- because if He didn't, the painful things that we go through would never make sense and/or come to any sort of resolution. And what's more is that our victories wouldn't be so beautiful, adding such colors and fulfillment to the canvas of our life, and our faith wouldn't be as deep. But even so, that bright side is hard to see sometimes.
My Dad has kind of been in my life for a few weeks now and it has been the most emotionally exhausting, short period of time that I have experienced in a long time. I can't explain to you how much power this man has over my emotions. He has let me down more than hell has misery. What I mean is after all these years of him being in and out of my life, mostly out, I still get my hopes up every time he says that he is going to do something ... and I still get my hopes crushed every time he doesn't do it. The frustrating part: I know better!!!
For some reason, I am looking for the emotional structural integrity that an emotionally healthy person has, and I am looking for it in a spiritually and emotionally depraved person. It's just not there. This last short stint has made me realize that I need to look for the right way to accept who he is and I do know that I cannot change this person I call Dad. I am praying for wisdom, for God to show me the right way to detach where I need to and still love this person I call Dad. I am looking for opportunities as well as the right way to be honest with him and not feel bad when it comes to letting him know that what he is doing is hurting me. I am looking for the ways to forgive him and still be close enough to him so that if God wants to use me, I won’t be full of bitterness or resentment. I am looking for the right way to take my eyes off this fallen man, just like we all are fallen, and to put them on God.
I’ve realized that it's hard for me to stand on God's promises sometimes because I have it in the back of my head that He is going to let me down. I thank God, though, that He is not like a man that He should waver back and forth but that He is the same today, yesterday, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) And even though I am shaky when it comes to certain things, God can handle it. He's not going anywhere.
Thank you, God, for setting me free. Thank you for buying me back from a dark slave master who tried to steal everything that You gave me and get me to throw it away. Thank You for loving me beyond me and my defects, and thank You for being so big that You can take those defects and use them to create a beautiful picture. You are so very good to me, God. Please show me what it means to truly call You Father, to call You my Dad. Please let me know You like a son knows his Poppa and like a friend knows their friend. I love you, God, and You are my Lord.
Jeff
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