Well, I’ve come to my first big trial in Texas and right now, there isn’t much I can say but there is so much that is going through my head and through my heart. Like a piece of drifting wood caught in the middle of a raging ocean, I find that right before I reach the top of every violent and towering wave, my hope of seeing land, as I tirelessly climb to the top, never gets any more visible than the hope I had at the top of the first wave, but I know someday I'll see land so I cling to hope.
I can’t tell you how I feel and why. I just know that I need Jesus. He is my hope where there is no hope. I’m not quite ready to share what’s causing me to feel this way. All I can tell myself is that He said that He makes springs in the wastelands; He made everything out of nothing. [Isaiah 43:19]And honestly, that is what I have turned my life into… nothing. Oh, how I relate to that saying, “if only I knew then what I know now.” I surely would turn my life into gold with choices that propelled me into God’s pleasing and perfect will instead of making choices that scratched just the surface of deep emotional itches.
But you know what? Who would I be today if I hadn’t gone through the consequences of those choices and where they took me? Would I be able to really see the beauty of light if I hadn’t spent so long in the dark? Would I really be able to cry when joy overwhelmed me if I had never felt such deep sorrow? Would I really know God passionately if I never had to seek Him with all of my heart on my knees crying out in desperation, “God I can’t do this anymore I need you to save me, to show me, to comfort me, or at least to give me the strength I need to keep going!”? Would any of us know anything if we didn’t feel compelled to ask Him, “Why?”
Ohhh but it is such a rich beauty because with the deep purples of despair, and the bright reds of anger and hatred, a brilliant orange mixes with a living yellow, blue and pink to show that something new and exciting is on the horizon. Yes, trials are and can be something that gives life and life so colorfully, abundantly, and beautifully.
God, who am I that you are mindful of me? [Psalm 8:4] Haven’t you seen what I have done? Don’t you know who I am? My thoughts are shameful and my heart is deceitful, God? I know that you say that You forgive unconditionally but it is so hard for me to believe that. I am unworthy to even speak Your name but You have given me breath in my lungs and Your name is on my lips. You are my master, God; teach me; discipline me. Wrap me up in your arms and love me like a father loves his son and never let me go. I desire to be obedient to you, God, as you desire obedience from me. I want to do your will and not just hear your will and I long to know your will in my heart. Teach me how to trust you and what that word even means. I love you, God. Please don’t let me stray from you.
Jeff
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