Jenn’s Journey

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Good morning! I just finished an early morning walk in the rain washed air. It was very weird to be wakened in the night to a thunder and lightning storm, but, oh, how nice to have the rain! While on my walk, I was mentally preparing my blog for you all, so thanks for stopping by to join me!

The other day I was sharing with a friend a question I have. That is, at what point is looking at the past too much, and where does "What's Next" really begin? I am a member of several abuse survival groups, private ones, where people feel free to share their stories. People from all stages belong to the groups, those who are actively in abusive relationships, those who are just getting out, some who've been out for years…and I have found it to be helpful to know I am not alone. It's not just me! There is something cathartic about sharing stories and growing from the knowledge and support of others. At times, however, I wonder, does it benefit us to rehash those stories forever?

Anything from our past does affect who we are in the present. There is no doubt about that. As I've said in my other blogs, understanding this has made a great difference in my journey towards healing. I have a quote -- yes, me and my quotes -- which I have in plain view, which says "Stop replaying the old painful story. Choose actions that create a better outcome."

The friend I was talking with the other day pointed out something that I think is brilliant. She's younger than me, and yet so wise!! She said that we can divide ourselves up into parts…for example, there's the mom part of me, the friend, the caring hygienist part, and a daughter…you get the picture? Some of those parts I have down pat; for instance, I know what I am doing as a caring hygienist, and I have been told I am a loving, caring friend. However, because of things from the past, our 'parts' can be affected and some of the pain in one of them can spill over into other parts or relationships. So, then, instead of being in balance, one part can dominate the others.

See, the woman side of me, the emotional part, is wounded, obviously. I believe it was wounded long before my marriage though; that added a whole other dimension. Close, intimate relationships have not usually been supportive for me, and I have been trying to meet my own emotional needs for years, to no avail might I add. Often, in close relationships, I see the person as an enemy rather than an ally. I react defensively, especially when I feel I am not being validated in some way, or if I feel attacked. I also have a very hard time giving emotional support in relationships…so those close to me can feel I do not give back.

Here is where I think I go from here: acknowledging that the wounded part of me runs a lot of the other parts. This is not to put myself down at all; it's just a realization. If I were to look into myself and see what that looks like, I see a tight ball encased in darkness. Once in awhile, it sees light, gets afraid that the light won't last, so it tightens itself up even more.

So, what do I do? I have to give those wounds to the ultimate Healer. It's easy for me to think Jesus is the same way towards my emotions as I have experienced from people. But that is not true. His word says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Sure, wounds leave scars. Even Jesus carries scars in His hands. Part of moving forward for me is allowing Him into those broken parts and allowing the Light in.

Until next week, be blessed,

Jenn