Evinda Lepins

June 18th, 2013

Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Thanks so much for joining me today for a little break at Coffee Hour with Chicklit Power. If you are a return visitor, thanks for coming back. And if you are new to this series Nana Holds . . . Well, I guess all I can say is come on in but you may want to visit the archives to get the full transformation going on within this circumstance that has forever changed our lives and continues to do so. Grab your coffee and come on in. We were right smack in a painful truth, and how He used it for His glory: a troubled marriage.
As much as I was able, I tried to be empathetic, comfort him with the comfort I have been given time after time after time, but in actuality, I think I could have done a better job. I mean, I had walked through this knife-cutting, heart-wrenching pain brought about by my son’s bad choices and I remember wanting to die. Is it any wonder his steps were heavy and he wasn’t singing in the shower? I had already walked through it so why didn’t he understand from my experience that God was working all of this out for His glory and our good?
No, I wasn’t really looking to try and understand his pain; I was trying to learn how to live in the moments instead of merely survive. My emotions were tuned into all that I was learning, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My peeling process was quite intense and his unhappiness was like an obstruction to my process, or so I thought. Oh, silly girl, He even used that! A familiar feeling was looming over me: Terror at the thought/fear of yet another failed marriage! I was feeling so alone despite being married.

Papa smiles

But I had come too far, learned too much to go back. My journal entry to Him for January 20th reminded me of this: “It’s uncomfortable to think of You as lonely when you wandered this earth, going from place to place, teaching and healing. But of course You were! Every time You looked around and the evidence of Your Father’s absence assaulted You through the lives of godless men and women everywhere. Of course You felt alone, and sad, frustrated. Oh how could I ever doubt You? You understand so much more than I give you credit for.”
And just below this entry, another entry telling me what we did that very day: visited our old church for their first service in their long-awaited new building. Suddenly another light comes on as it relates to my husband and the contributing factors to his depression and unhappiness: He missed his home church, a church he gave a piece of his heart to.
Oh, the truth that things are never as they seem hits me over the head ever so gently and keeps me hanging on in this heart-transforming process as He cuts away what needs to go in me, reminding me to let Him be God in others’ lives, including my husbands'. That day, God poured more compassion and understanding into my heart for my husband and we began to make our way back to common ground.
My heart is fluttering as I relive yet another moment captured in a journal entry: “Thank you Father for the moment of connection with George last night. We had just put Bryden down and we were sitting next to each other on the couch. He had his arm around me and I was leaning into him. I felt his eyes on me so I looked up and what I saw took my breath away: his eyes were smiling and filled with love for me!
Join me Thursday for more of the beauty made even more beautiful because of the pain.
Evinda